My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Genuine question, how does she access her homework apps etc? Literally every piece of homework is set on their app and they have to check it constantly.
DS2 is in Y9. Their school doesn’t allow phones during the day either, it has to be off in their bags. But I cannot imagine getting to 16 and not allowing a phone.

I’m sorry but I’m going to agree with vast majority of people on this thread - get her a phone. It can be a brick if you prefer, it can be a smartphone with the apps locked down so no TikTok, WhatsApp etc until a certain age. It will help her communicate with her friends, make arrangements etc.

You can put rules in place that you check it, that the passcodes etc are locked down so they can’t be changed etc.

Are people who went to her primary school and bullied her going to the same school.

So you take the phones into your bedroom for the night. If children are sneaking around and breaking the rules then apply consequences, ie - they lose the phone.

I am yet to find an app that my 15 year old son can get round. Why would he even try if the rules and consequences around phone use are made clear?

Are you always so insulting to parents that choose differently to you?

She uses the family PC at home. I haven't yet found an app that can't be mirrored on there, and her homework tasks are also set on websites.

She not yet had any problems arranging to meet up, her friends just turn up at the door or call on the house phone.

I do feel like she will be left out if she doesn’t have a phone. Her friends will all be messaging etc and she won’t and bullies can pick on children for things like that. Re school bag, something plain, black and not too big like this. Lots available in sports direct
https://www.sportsdirect.com/nike-heritage-backpack-715340#colcode=71534003

pencil cases and waterbottles again something plain ish, doesn’t have to be black I’d say but obviously don’t get something from smiggle, help her choose a bit more of a grown up one.

school shoes, DN is going into year 10 this year and she has shown me the types of shoes everyone wears, I’ve linked them here for you x
https://www.clarks.com/en-gb/finja-brogue-youth/26178287-p
https://www.clarks.com/en-gb/tapa-edge-youth/26184979-p
https://www.clarks.com/en-gb/loxham-brogue-youth/26151595-p
https://www.clarks.com/en-gb/finja-bloom-youth/26180829-p

Re the shoes bag etc. She needs to have the same as everyone else to fit in. What are her friends getting? Why not get her the same as them?

bags shoes etc are all part of fitting in with the tribe. And that’s so important at her age.

said as someone whose parents didn’t get that and who was bullied the whole way through school for being different. (In lots of ways)

I don't know how you access your time table, your homework due etc without a phone.

OP is this your first child to move up to secondary school?

As a teacher, I'd recommend she has a phone, even just a text and call one - its really sad, because we didn't need them, and I'm not sure its a healthy way to communicate, even for adults - but its where were are. That's how they will communicate and even if not bullied, she will be isolated and not be involved.

Phone use is banned in most schools, they don't need a phone during the school day.

Completely different to communication issues

I’d contact the school and let them know. Senior leaders will be going back in over the next 2 weeks and will pick up messages. I’d reassure her over the shoes and consider a basic text only phone.

I agree with the comments on here. Going to secondary school for many is a big shock, because they are mollie coddled and not prepared. The transition means they have to grow up very quickly. Who calls it big school to an 11 year old, she is a young lady, not a toddler. If she cries, it won’t be for long. The pastoral team will chivvy her along. But you need to do the same at home. Give it a year and she will be rolling that skirt up and driving you mad.

This is one area where the private sector has an advantage, prep schools gradually phase out class teaching after year 4 or 5 and the pupils move round to specialist classes and have more independence by the time they move at year 9 to senior.

In the state sector we used to have middle school, which served the same purpose, a gentle transition.

It’s easy to say you don’t have to worry about your dc being able to join in and communicate with people out of school when you have a kid who is popular with loads of friends. The OPs kid is not popular, doesn’t have loads of friends, has anxiety, has been bullied in her previous school, and can’t even do something basic like have confidence in her choice of shoes. She needs all the support she can get. It is a ton of work allowing 11 you to have phones - you need to be on it, you need to have difficult conversations, much easier to have a blanket “no” and naively assume that the 200 other kids in the year having phones won’t impact an already isolated kid. Do people honestly think that horrifying content is not being shown to people because they don’t have a phone of their own? The crux of it all seems to be a massive lack of confidence. Happy, confident, kids pick the school shoes they like - she assumes what she likes isn’t “right” so is second guessing a bunch of strangers to try to fit in. It doesn’t sound like she has a great relationship with her primary class who are moving to the same school so I wouldn’t encourage her to cling to them and I certainly wouldn’t be organising “play dates”. Encourage her to join new things - lunchtime and after school clubs where she can meet different people. I wouldn’t let her near social media because she sounds immature, even for an 11yo, but no texts on a brick that mum has access to? I would make the effort in the circumstances. My kids school had a blanket phone ban (not even turned off and in the bottom of your bag) and if found they were confiscated for 6 weeks if found but the bus company changed their system from a card to an app and they now can’t get to school without them (technically they can but it’s 4x the cost). I would also contact the school - someone will take an interest in lost y7s and try to get them together.

Please get her a phone. The other kids will be able to arrange meet ups and she’ll end up left out. She doesn’t need social media and you can of course monitor her messages but a phone will help her with communicating with friends. It will be useful for you to be able to get in touch with her when she’s out.

No wonder she's worried. You are depriving her of things which she needs in order for her to feel confident. If she doesn't have a phone she will be excluded form her friends on social media- it's how kids communicate these days and without that she will feel excluded. As for the shoes, get her the shoes she wants. Fitting in is the important to children at this age. Also, calling it 'big school' suggests you are talking to her like she's younger than she actually is.

We all know bullying is wrong and shouldn't happen and it should be dealt with, but I work in a school and it's often parents that makes some children stand out and be the targets for bullies: parents that restrict their children socially, parents that dress their children in old fashioned, strange or 'babyish' clothes etc.

One little trick I have to help out the new intake is to give them batshit directions. Last year a small group of worried faces appeared at my lab door "...sir...we are looking for the chemistry lab..." - ah ha, no problem, grab a bit of paper, make a note - go back the way you came, down the stairs, left along the corridor, out of the double doors, across the courtyard, in the double doors, up the stairs to the fourth floor, along the corridor, down the stairs to the first floor, along the corridor, 5th door on the right.

Off they go, to which the technician comments that is an odd route to get to the room next door to the one that we are in.

This establishes 4 things, bonding between the group of 5 children who will almost certainly get lost, a working appreciation of the discipline system as they will be late (but let off because its only week one), a grasp of the labyrinthine school layout, and the fact that the bloke who teaches physics is a nutter!

All good.

Its amazing that by the end of week 2 all the little terrified year 7's are in the main well adjusted to, and enjoying secondary.

Problem is I think it's different in different areas, my kids and their friends would never wear these, they all wear Mary janes or them bloody horrible impractical things that look a bit like ballet pumps. Trainers are air force 1s. This is why it's important to let them choose what they want because they will know what everyone else is wearing or choose what they feel comfortable wearing if they're not fussed about wearing the same as everyone else.

OP i know its incredibly late in the day but is it possible to take her on a shopping trip? get her to pick out some shoes, a bag, trainers, maybe some cute stationary etc. grab a hot chocolate or lunch and try and make it into a more positive and fun experience for her.
It's hard, the change from doing everything for them at primary to the sudden independence they want/need in upper school, but you need to let it happen otherwise she is going to be bloody miserable.

At this age they make plans by messaging each other. Children who don’t have phones do miss out because the others are not going to message them via their parents. They are also out of the loop on class chats, info about homework, what to wear on school trips, who is doing what club, meeting up after school, in jokes etc. You are cutting them off from one of the main forms of teenage communication. You might have to face your fears and get her a phone of some sort.

Big school? Play dates? The kid is almost 12, not 3!!!
Perhaps you babying her is giving her this anxiety.
Get her the shoes if it's that important to her and let her have a brick phone so she is less insecure about walking there by herself (which she should be doing at that age).

All this. It's not 'Big school', year 7s don't go on 'Play dates' and everyone else will have a phone of some sort.

Do you know any older children at the school? They could offer advice on shoes, bag, water bottle etc.

An older child could also be a point of contact for her.

That’s a horrible thing to do. I have adhd and one of the symptoms is no sense of direction and you doing that would give me a panic attack. As an 11 year old I’d have been in pieces. And probably not able to go to school the next day.

People like you who play such cruel tricks shouldn’t be teachers.

That’s to do with your child’s friends or cohort. My DD’s were not sent beheading videos. But they did arrange netball games and jaunts to the town on Saturdays.

I’d rather talk to my child about the ways to manage a smart phone than tell her that the world is a terrible place and she might get sent a beheading video and that I don’t trust her enough to have a phone. If you are assuming that your daughter will sneak a phone up to her bedroom if she had one then yes, you do have a problem. Neither of mine have done this.

Big school and play date? Is your child quite immature/young for her age?

The language you use about your daughter is very infantalizing, and I wonder if you seeing her as younger than she is is feeding into how she sees herself and this fear of "big school".

As everyone else has said, get her the phone and the shoes (if you can afford them. Vinted might be a good option). These won't solve the whole issue, but they're an easy fix to help along the way.

I honestly think a key part of parenting is understanding your child's world. It's easy for us as adults to think having a particular pair of shoes or a phone doesn't matter, but when you're 11/12, it really does!

As adults, we think it's good to be individual and stand out from the crowd. But when you're a nervous 11 year old about to start school, the last thing you want is to stand out from the crowd! X decades later, I still remember that I was one of the only people in secondary school without the right shoes. It sounds silly to say it as an adult, but at the time, it genuinely made my life at school harder.