My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Yes, and though everything is on their phone they get also punished for looking at their timetable on it in the corridor. I always printed the timetable off and laminated it so DD2 could have it in her blazer pocket.

All the homework apps are a bloody nightmare as well, it just makes teachers set far too much homework and kids get absolutely buried in it. And it is making them use devices which are also a massive distraction, or which they are being bullied on.

I'm afraid school is really fucking scary for many kids these days as schools fail in the most basic ways to keep them safe. I hope OP's daughter does well, but be prepared. Also be prepared for the school to gaslight the shit out of you and make you feel like you have failed as a parent, when the failure is purely on their side. It's absolutely Kafkaesque.

Yes as the teaching staff are not there to belittle or mock the students! A group of year 7s you don’t know. So don’t know if there are any other issues. I would probably talk to your HOD so they could have a word, if I thought it was a misguided joke. But I might also speak to someone higher up if it was repeated undermining students. That is just not in the school culture where I am.

We are teachers, we are not there to play one sided jokes on students, especially the younger ones.

Not sure if op is coming back - but aside from the phone / language / bag / shoes debates, my other suggestion would be for her to practice the journey to school and back alone, if she hasn't already (you talked about walking to school, I'm assuming you won't be walking with her every day). My DD will be going on the bus so she's had a couple of trial runs this summer without me.

I agree with the comments here. My children are both secondary school age - I remember my daughter swapped phone numbers with lots of other girls she met on the transition day and they were messaging each other in the summer holidays which helped. She’s not allowed social media like Snapchat etc still now but being able to message her friends is enough. She chose her own shoes, bag etc. We also didn’t go on about it all summer, it can be a bit much. Good luck, I hope she can settle in and realise it’s not as bad as she is imagining.

Sorry if I didn't make it clear, the first I heard of these incidents was when the school sent out an emergency email warning parents of what had been reported.

I am on the parents WhatsApp and the schools Facebook group, that was where parents of the children involved were asking how this could have happened, as they could have sworn their child's phone was locked down and they didn't have access to them at night.

Stop calling it big school
Stop calling them play day
Give her a phone and let her arrange her own meet ups, without mummy being around.

So you are going off third hand information and believing it when you are told by parents that they were monitoring the phone?

Hint: they were not and are too worried/embarrassed to admit it.

Please get her a phone. She may need some apps for school anyway, and she’s going to feel very excluded when others are arranging socials by phone.
it struck me that she’s worried about shoes and so on, did you let her have input into this? No child wants to be the one that stands out as different.

You can't send her to school without a phone -- wouldn't you be worried, quite apart from how weird it will make her look? My mam got me a phone to go to secondary school specifically so she could contact me and we'd both feel safe, and that was over twenty years ago!

I would definitely reconsider your thoughts on getting a phone. My dd is also entering y7 in September, her and her friends have been chatting non stop via their phones about starting high school and planning where to meet, who to walk with etc. She will be excluded from things because she’s not as easily contactable.

She has WhatsApp but I check it regularly. No other forms of social media.

It’s also a brilliant way of tracking where they are. Not sure if your dd will be walking to and from school but my dd is and her phone is now set up to send me notifications when she leaves home and arrives at school then vice versa.

Agree with the big school and playdates.
In secondary you eill not meet any of their friends parents or know them. They arrangw their own meets and drop ins to each others houses. I only meet them when my son requires a lift and then it is just a wave or the occassional chat. Tho other parents will not be getting involved in their kids social lives and arranging meet ups. I usually get a text from my son at the end of the day, can I go to Jacks house, or mum I am doing rugby after school tonight as Max is doing it. I say yes ot no depending. So a phone is important for socialising, at least a brick phone. Not every child will have one no, but the majority will. The right shoes and bag will help with bullying and hairstyle. Subtle things like the right parting. Also socks seem to be a thing now. Its knee length socks with the bow in our area that all the girls are wearing with their uniform.

Mine DD is too. The closer is gets and I am dreading the first day. I loathed to let her have a phone but they have all been meeting up in the holidays and I the keeping the connections with the kids she is moving up with is helping but she won’t try her uniform on and is starting to dream about it. It feels awful knowing she is so anxious.

Mine had to have a phone and a fairly new model to be able to have the apps to complete their homework. The alternative was no lunch and spending every lunch or break in using the schools computers.

Actually also regarding the phone. All my sons homework is in an app. And his timetable. And its got a featurw where the app is replicated on my phone and I can check the homework.
We also have life 360 on it so I can track him.
He also has his banking card app on there and they all go to a coffee shop after school sometimes or often there are sports things that he decides he wants to do on the day so he needs to let me know what he is doing.
I mean in my day we didnt have phones and I eoukd get home when I was home but its different times noe and I want to know what he is doing.
There is absolutely no way another parent will be contacting you to arrange for your daughter to come over to their house to spend time. Its eithet the kids arrange it on whats app then tell their parents what they are doing or she will be just not invited. Most people dont have landlines anymore either. So how will anyone ever speak to her??

If you're getting a phone when she's 13, just get her one now do she's not left out and can start chatting with old yr 6 friends?

My older son arranged gettingbto school with mates on first day and younger son doing the same now.

Shoes - if allowed i imagine nike airforce style (or we get the similar cheaper nike ones from sport direct) will be suitably 'cool'?

Agree with others about language...sounds young (and uncool) - high school/sec school or meet ups/hang outs probably better. Can she meet friends for shopping, or in cafe without you there?

Maybe reassurance that high school isn't like American movies with bullying, nerds, mean girls etc (my son was really worried about that!).

Stop treating her like a baby… her fears are legitimate. As long as her shoes aren’t Clark’s she’ll be fine on that front, I’d go kickers.

Re the phone that ultimately your decision but I would let her have one.

please stop calling them play dates… kids her age hang out

Dont walk with her on her first day… let her walk with a group of friends

Kickers shoes, plain rucksack, mobile phone

did she not have a transition day? Our school did , tour of school, taster lessons, met kids from their form etc makes it less scary.

My advice as a teacher would be -
Tell the school she is particularly anxious about starting and they will tell her teachers to keep an eye on her and check in that she's ok.
Get a bag that isn't babyish and yes to the Nike AF1s or Nike courts.
She won't want to wear a coat.
Not having a phone will mark her out as different, and I think she'd feel a lot more positive about starting if you relaxed this. You can always take it off her at home and supervise her use of it.

Id consider getting her a phone
Life 360 is amazing.

No I personally know two of the mums, and they aren't bad parents. They genuinely thought they had things under control as they'd followed all the advice.

This post is a bit outdated tech wise, but is just an example of how easy it is to get around apps designed to limit smart phones.

https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/iro3pr/parents_put_parental_controls_on_your_phone_heres/

Do you baby her OP. My dcs went to "big school " knowing no one but they had a transition day so had talked to other dc then. Plus at that age they were out and about with their primary school friends most of the summer holidays. They didn't need me to arrange playdates

With all due respect op, it sounds like you’re babying her.

My DS is off to comprehensive in September too. He’s had a phone for a year and is already communicating with other kids he’s going to be in school with. Whilst they don’t need a phone, the school have told us that lunch orders, class charts, homework etc will all be on apps so it’s useful to have. I would reconsider if I were you. My child is closely supervised on his phone, I’ve changed settings so he can’t just be added into groups etc and I monitor it closely.

I’ve liaised with other parents to see the types of shoes, bags etc they’re purchasing to make sure my child isn’t feeling out of place, have especially taken advice from parents who already have other older children in the same school.

My DS was nervous after the first time we went to an open evening at the school but over the year through bridging etc, has got to know a lot of the children, they’ve been texting and making friendships already. He’s now very prepared and quite excited although I’ve no doubt he’ll be nervous next week. But I’m not concerned.

I really think you need to get her a phone.

Her friends will already be making plans and eases each others' worries on theirs and she will feel so much better knowing she can get a hold of you before and after school if there's a problem.

Unfortunately she's right, she absolutely will be left out for not having a phone.

She most likely already is being and it sounds like she knows it.

There's a reason why most parents relent on phones at this point.

Stop calling it “big school” for starters.

Get her a phone, she’ll need one as high schools have homework apps that she’ll want to be able to access

I’m shocked by all the comments telling you to buy her a phone! My DD is younger but I didn’t wouldn’t her to have a smartphone until she was year 10! Maybe something more basic she could make calls and text on. If every parent refused it wouldn’t be a problem.