My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Agree completely. It’s a horrible thing to do to children who will already be feeling anxious about not finding their classroom.

I’m sorry your daughter is feeling so nervous about secondary school.

It can be easier to fit in at secondary as there are more people and you are more likely to find a group you fit in with. The library is usually a great place if she gets overwhlemed with the school.

There will be plenty of others in the same situation!

I would not talk about it much in the next 2 weeks, just keep it very matter of fact so she knows it isn’t an option she is going to school. Don’t try to ease her fears, sometimes you discussing them can reinforce that there is something to be worried about. I’m not saying dismiss them and move the conversation forward.

Schools are reopening around now after GCSE results, so contact them and see if the year 7 head of year/ her tutor is contactable to get some pastoral support in place right from the get go.

You sound like you baby her OP, calling it “big school” and not letting her have a phone. All the other kids will have phones, she will be really left out and possibly teased if she doesn’t have one. All their social arranging and chit-chat outside school will be done by phone. Get her one now!

And I’m not sure what you mean about the shoes, but get her the shoes she wants too. These things are important for 11 year olds.

This would not be acceptable at my school at all! If anyone heard you deliberately give instructions like this you would be reported. You want them to be late so they learn the discipline policy!

If I wasn’t teaching I walk them to the next class (like a mother duck and her ducklings) if I wasn’t teaching I would grab an older student and get them to walk them there (and email their teacher so they know there is a reason they are late, plus give them a merit).

Also a physics teacher - happy for them to know that teachers are there to support and help them!

Get her some all black air force 1s and a phone ( even if no social media ) now.

When my daughter was due to start secondary they were all in whats app groups in the summer holiday finding out who was in their forms, and her now best friend was someone she met in this group and arranged to meet on the first day of school to walk into form with!

you can still monitor and check whatsapp etc.

You need to let her grow up a little. Sending hugs, I know its hard.

I agree with a restricted phone for communication. I don't think anyone should do anything because they'll be bullied otherwise, as seems to be a theme on here. My 13yo starts today (Ireland so Secondary is later) and has a phone but hasn't brought it as no phones allowed during the day, a plus in my opinion.
Anyway OP the bigger picture that comes across in your OP is there's a lot of work to be done in terms of confidence and anxiety in your dd. I do think your own handling of it may not be helping it, sorry, and Big School stood out to me also. Some reflection and some planning now would be worthwhile I think so you can bolster her a little more as she is moving towards independence in these next years

I suspect the other kids will have been in contact over the summer to discuss some of the things she’s worried about.

There was lots of chat on my DD’s group chat about shows / water bottles / bags. Meeting up at the bus stop on day 1 etc.

As a parent it is my job to help dd navigate the use of a phone and her online life. I much prefer to put in the time to talk about internet safety and her online footprint than not give her a phone and her be excluded.

Kids in secondary school don’t go to play dates arranged by parents. They speak to each other and meet up. Even before phones, my mum would have had no involvement in me making plans with friends - ie no contact with other parents. Surely you remember that?

Editing to fix typo and to add - I have a very “young” 11 year old. Her phone has not made her vulnerable or older than her years.

Mine has the same. She has a Gmail account we can monitor for Granny/overseas friends/her grown up cousins.

She does ask if we can arrange some outings where they cost money or need transport. She's been crabbing with a friend and I took them (needed the car) and to the trampoline park with another (she doesn't know the bus route well enough and it costs).

Accentuate the positives:

Certian kids that she didn't get on with at primary won't be there.
New friends.
If she's wearing the official uniform she won't get penalised for uniform infringements.
Clubs- there may be one for her.
Learning exciting new stuff. For me it was languages.
Sports- it's not just about being in the classroom.

She needs a phone. My daughter started year 7 last year - the first thing they did was create a class WhatsApp group - she’ll be left out if she doesn’t have one. Yes, it needs monitoring and goes against everything we know, but you’re setting her up for isolation without one.

As long as she’s not wearing the Clarks rubber soled Mary Jane types (ie the school shoes we buy when they start primary), any kind of ‘grown up’ loafer (next (school), river island, new look) or kickers is fine. Plain black Nike rucksack. (Although lots moved on to the Le Pliage bags - ridiculously expensive but mentioned as it’s the trend).

Totally accept phones/the ‘right’ shoes/bags shouldn’t be a thing, but they are and secondary school can be a cruel place.

It is a scary time for them my DD started high school on Monday and had a few rough days. She was supposed to start last week but was poorly with Covid so she has found it hard starting later. However I will say she’s had to call me a couple times on her break and lunch so I do think a phone would be beneficial. As I can’t get parked straight outside the school I text her where I’m parked also. Calling it big school and play dates really are a bit young. She will be okay once she’s there and found her feet xx

You need to stop babying her for a start.

"Big school", "playdates".... she is 11 going on 12 depending on when her birthday is. When I was going into year 7 I was managing my own social life at this point with friends from primary school or friends who lived in the same street as me. I had a brick phone as smartphones obviously weren't around then (Nokia 3210!). I accept times have changed and kids are treated as younger than they are these days but this is a bit ridiculous.

I agree with others that she could have a non smart phone to mainly call and text, and lots of children around that age have those types of phones now. She will most likely feel left out if she doesn't have some sort of phone to communicate with her friends and her only option being her mum to manage her "playdates".

You need to inspire confidence in her and treat her like she is capable and mature enough to go to secondary school and make and manage friendships independently, and part of that will be accepting she is no longer a baby anymore.

I agree with bingeing tv series. It takes away some of the mystery and it shows how staff are generally supportive, nurturing and in control. The most challenging kids are shown sympathetically and fundamentally good.
I think shoes are often regional so maybe check with local mums. Kickers considered a bit babyish here! Black accessories, coats and bags are the norm.
I work with a year 7 nurture group and I can categorically say by Xmas they are loving it. They adapt so quickly.

As a parent of a child going into year 8, so just done the first year at high school, I would urge you to get her a phone asap. The problem is, you’ve already isolated her by not getting one until now. The class WhatsApp’s will likely already be set up, and the discussions about shoes, bags, meeting up on the first day etc will already have happened. DS had already met most of his form by this point last year as they’d organised a meet up in the park (completely organised by the kids, no parent involvement).

Has she been out and about with her friends over summer? How does she organise this?

Those on here that are denying their children a phone until they are 13+, how will you teach them to use it safely when they are out most of the time, and full of hormones? Will they be confident to come to you when they receive a d*ck pic? Or will they hide it because they are worried you will remove the phone? Same if they are being bullied online etc

The point about her not trying on her uniform is a bit worrying. She has to try it all on in case there’s a problem on her first day which will cause further anxiety and distress.
Take her out today, ask for advice in shoe shops for what teens wear as long as it’s in accordance with school policy and buy her a cheap phone. If she gets on with it how about a nicer smartphone at Christmas? Just an idea. Just please reinforce all the positives so she’s looking forwards to her new chapter in life.

Reported!! your school sounds like a lovely place to work! we don't report each other, thankfully its a good, eclectic working environment, not a latter day Stasi run institution like many these days!

My Dd is starting in yr7 in Sept too. I agree with other posters that calling it "big school", it makes it sound scary.
My DD is shy, can be anxious & over think everything but I've just kept it quiet breezy & matter of fact.
Inside I'm worried about bullying re one aspect about her, but she doesn't know that.

About a smart phone, they need it at our school as it's used for their school apps - it has their homework posted on it by teachers, their timetable (there is paper version but easily lost), behaviour / reward points, messages from teachers about changes to homework or to teachers if they have a question etc.
They also do some homework on apps too. Having a phone enables them to contact you to/from school, plus tracking them on their journey. Not to mention the social aspect or arranging meeting friends. They'll stand out not having a smartphone. You can control & know about every app that's downloaded, put ages restriction on etc.
Good luck to your Dd for September - I'm sure she'll find her feet & be great, it's a fresh start for her - turn that to a positive.

She needs a dumb phone at minimum, both so she has a direct line to you, and so she can text friends. In a world where many families don’t actually have a landline anymore, it’s often the only way to contact people.

My DD went to secondary school last year and I thought about it hard before I gave her one of my old iphones. But really- it’s been the way she and her friends all chat to each other, make arrangements to meet up etc.

Those parents who didn’t supply phones had done so by the end of the year as their kids were missing out on all the spontaneous fun.

I would report you if my child came home and told me you’d done that.

I would be speaking to the year head and the headteacher. Your behaviour is unacceptable.

I think not getting her a phone whilst well intentioned is a bit midguided. I reckon from my anecdata that 90% of year 7 have a smart phone.

She can build social networks and ask these questions.

If I was worried about a situation this is the first thing I would do (reach out and find answers- like you have here) she could be asking her friends about shoes and bags and meeting up.

Is she very immature??

OP why do you assume if day 1 is a bad day it’s downhill from there?! Think about it - that cant possibly be true ,otherwise the majority of us would have never gone to school!

You need to find a girl already at that school and make sure your daughter has the fashionable shoes, bags socks so she doesn't stand out. At our secondary it's Nike air force 1 and white Nike ankle socks over black tights. If she's been bullied previously then she'll want to be almost invisible with identical bags and clothes to everyone else.

And rethink the phone. All the kids arrange walking to school with each other and going out after school by phone. She'll miss out on loads. You can monitor it and put loads of parental controls on it, but let her arrange her own social life via a phone or she will be the weird kid.

If you knew this after the first incident why weren't you reporting it as a safeguarding incident?

Agree with PPs that she needs a phone. That’s how they arrange their social lives, chat after school, etc. they’ll be swapping numbers and she’ll look weird that she can’t get involved. Sorry to be blunt but that’s the way it is. I’d get her a smartphone with just WhatsApp and strict controls and just take it away in the evenings/weekends when you don’t want her on it. But don’t make her the only one without one. Other parents saying their kids aren’t getting one, that’s fine but they’re few and far between and probably already have established friend groups or are very confident. Why make it harder?

re shoes most girls at DDs school wear brogues or loafers. DD last year in year 7 chose lace up chunky shoes but doesn’t mind having her own style. This year she’s following crowd with loafers.

I’d stop talking about it for now, enjoy the last few weeks of summer. Play it down and send her in brightly and confidently. Give her a couple of tips for talking to new people and remind her that everyone is new. If she has a bad first day remind her it may take a few weeks/months to settle in and find her people. Don’t get down with her, act confident that she’s in the right place and keep giving tips, ie: smile at everyone and say hi. Compliment the other girls on their shoes/hair/bag whatever. Be friendly and keep trying. It might take some time but she’ll get there.

I think you need to have confidence in your decision not to give your DD a smartphone. There is plenty of evidence of the kind of harm having access to social media and apps have at this point hence the Online Safety Act and the government’s continuing attempts to tackle these harms. Some platforms have said themselves that children shouldn’t use them.

A brick phone for texts and making calls might be reasonable for chatting and arranging meet ups.

I think your DD is still suffering the emotional effects of the previous bullying. I’d try and keep reminding her that just because something has happened in the past it doesn’t mean it will happen again in the future.

(But, if she does unfortunately experience bullying at secondary, imagine how much worse it will be if the bullies have 24hour access to her through a smartphone!)