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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

My daughter is terrified to go to big school

418 replies

Suede82 · 22/08/2025 03:00

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

OP posts:
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Needpatience · 22/08/2025 08:02

I would def try and ask a mum who has a girl already at the school. Schools have a non official uniform often eg black puffa jackets, jd bag for PE kit. But each school is different. She will be confident on day 1 if she feels like she fits.

Kids make plans by messaging each other. She may miss out on the social side by not having a phone. She’ll sit with friends that have phones and see content on theirs so you can’t completely protect them from the world.

Jackiebrambles · 22/08/2025 08:03

Agree she will need a phone to arrange getting together with her new friends? You absolutely cannot do this for her. I got my son a phone at end of year six so he could swap numbers with friends who were going to different secondary schools. At first I said no WhatsApp and only texting but I let him have WhatsApp at end of first term as it is so much easier for him to communicate with kids who have different phones. He has limits and understands the rules. He knew hardly anyone and has made a lovely group of new mates and has thrived.

PreciousTatas · 22/08/2025 08:03

People are being over the top about getting dd a phone, probably to cover for their own lax and lazy parenting.

Dd has lots of friends and is very popular.

She is in year 8 and doesn't have a phone. They aren't allowed them during school hours anyway after a huge porn/bullying scandal through whatsapp broke out in year 7 last year.

She chats to friends on the house phone and when she has gaming time. She knows she'll be getting one when she is 16.

There has been plenty of research showing the very negative affects of allowing under 16's access to social media and phone use (especially if they are allowed them in their rooms at night). Getting your dd a phone is not a neutral act, it's a negligent one, often by parents who are constantly glued to theirs too.

MarketSt · 22/08/2025 08:05

I’m sorry to say that she will absolutely miss out by not having a phone.

DD is in Y7 and there were a couple of kids without a phone and it meant they got missed out on certain things because there wasn’t a way for them to know they were happening.

Also - you really need to treat her as the age she is and use words that are appropriate for that age!

Betty197 · 22/08/2025 08:07

My daughter is going in to year 9 now. But I remember her nerves. I do think she should have a phone. My daughter has WhatsApp but can only chat to her real friends. Does not join group chats etc. its important they feel included.

also all homework , timetable etc is uploaded to an app. I have the app too but think its important she takes control of her school work etc

TheNightingalesStarling · 22/08/2025 08:08

PreciousTatas · 22/08/2025 08:03

People are being over the top about getting dd a phone, probably to cover for their own lax and lazy parenting.

Dd has lots of friends and is very popular.

She is in year 8 and doesn't have a phone. They aren't allowed them during school hours anyway after a huge porn/bullying scandal through whatsapp broke out in year 7 last year.

She chats to friends on the house phone and when she has gaming time. She knows she'll be getting one when she is 16.

There has been plenty of research showing the very negative affects of allowing under 16's access to social media and phone use (especially if they are allowed them in their rooms at night). Getting your dd a phone is not a neutral act, it's a negligent one, often by parents who are constantly glued to theirs too.

No one has said give her unrestricted access to social media, just to give her independent means to make arrangements with friends. Most people don't have house phones now, so that isn't an option. Even phone calls are not that popular as it requires both to be available at the sane time.

Also they will need some form of Internet access fir homework.

BetweenTwoFerns · 22/08/2025 08:08

TheNightingalesStarling · 22/08/2025 08:00

There is a programme on CBBC that follows Yr7 through their first year of Secondary. (Each series is a different type of school, the ones set in a girls boarding school won't be as useful!). Think it was called Our School or something like that.

That sounds good.

The thing I liked about Educating Manchester is it showed the little rascals as well as the well behaved kids. It’s the rascals my dd was worried about. On Educating Manchester there were kids getting consequences for fighting and kids storming out of lessons and we got to find out why those three were happening. And what isolation was, what happened if you didn’t do your homework or you forgot a book and why there were teachers roaming around with walkie talkies

In the opening titles there was a lady saying ‘did you stand on his head?’ I can remember my very quiet well behaved daughter’s eyes going like saucers when she heard that for the first time. It was that sort of shenanigans that she was scared of. So seeing it was helpful to her.

boredsolicitor · 22/08/2025 08:09

Another vote to say give her a phone and just put controls on it if you’re worried - isolating her otherwise

Wolfpa · 22/08/2025 08:09

Could you be adding to her anxiety by treating her younger than she is?

some of the language that you are using isn’t appropriate for someone her age. Big school and play dates are something that are for people much younger.

can you give her some confidence by doing something a little more grown up?

nellietheellie75 · 22/08/2025 08:10

It's high school not 'big school' and why are you arranging 'play dates'? She's a preteen not 4 years old.
ask her if she wants a sleep over and let her arrange it.
Not having a phone will go against her unfortunately. Guarantee most of the other dc will have them and will use them for contacting each other outside of school. She doenst have to have social media. But a means of contacting you and her friends is importnat.. These are areas you have control over, and can change.

Toomanywaterbottles · 22/08/2025 08:11

Your language around secondary school is concerning. Big school, play dates? I genuinely thought she was aged four until near the end of your post.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/08/2025 08:11

I agree, the way you are talking about her seems more like how you would talk about a younger child. It's not right but at that age her peers can be very quick to exclude or be mean about people that act young for their age.

I'd be asking the other parents you know about the norms around mobiles and social media. I think in general if you don't communicate in the same way your peers do you will get left out from plans. Even as an adult with caring friends people will forget to phone Sarah-that-doesn't-use-facebook-messanger and tell her that the meet up is now at the Kings Head. I'd really rethink this if it will mean her being left out of things.

MellowPinkDeer · 22/08/2025 08:12

PreciousTatas · 22/08/2025 08:03

People are being over the top about getting dd a phone, probably to cover for their own lax and lazy parenting.

Dd has lots of friends and is very popular.

She is in year 8 and doesn't have a phone. They aren't allowed them during school hours anyway after a huge porn/bullying scandal through whatsapp broke out in year 7 last year.

She chats to friends on the house phone and when she has gaming time. She knows she'll be getting one when she is 16.

There has been plenty of research showing the very negative affects of allowing under 16's access to social media and phone use (especially if they are allowed them in their rooms at night). Getting your dd a phone is not a neutral act, it's a negligent one, often by parents who are constantly glued to theirs too.

It’s really interesting to me that you claim the ‘“lax and lazy’ parents give their kids phones .

it is absolutely my view that the safe and effective management and building boundaries for kids re phone is the complete opposite of lazy parenting and in fact, the lax and lazy parents are the ones that deprive their kids and just say no so they don’t have to manage it.

if you parent properly and install restrictions then there is absolutely nothing wrong with a phone.

SuperTrooper1111 · 22/08/2025 08:13

It does sound like you are babying her a bit. Start calling it secondary rather than big school and let her make her own arrangements to walk with friends on the first day - guarantee other kids will be sorting it out themselves. I’m on the fence about the phone - our DD started with a dumb Nokia just to text her mates but by Xmas of Y7 she had her dad’s old smartphone with restricted access to internet. You could take a similar approach.

YesHonestly · 22/08/2025 08:13

She is really going to be isolated without a phone OP. It’s going to be very easy for your daughter to be forgotten about if she can’t joint the group chats or communicate with her friends.

I would rethink that pretty sharpish.

BetweenTwoFerns · 22/08/2025 08:15

MellowPinkDeer · 22/08/2025 08:12

It’s really interesting to me that you claim the ‘“lax and lazy’ parents give their kids phones .

it is absolutely my view that the safe and effective management and building boundaries for kids re phone is the complete opposite of lazy parenting and in fact, the lax and lazy parents are the ones that deprive their kids and just say no so they don’t have to manage it.

if you parent properly and install restrictions then there is absolutely nothing wrong with a phone.

Show quote history

I was going to say the same thing. It’s easy to tell an eleven year old that they can’t have a phone and they can spend the evenings at home.

Mischance · 22/08/2025 08:17

If she was bullied in primary, it is not surprising she is anxious. What was done about the bullying? Did she feel protected by the adults? Are the bullies going up to same secondary?

deedeemeloy · 22/08/2025 08:19

I think you need to get her a phone so she is isn’t isolated from her peers, you might not like it but it is how they stay in touch and how friend groups tend to be maintained. Please also stop calling it big school.
having the right bag and shoes matters a lot in high school ( whether you like it or not ) so I would try and see what is the style girls are wearing and get her something like that.

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2025 08:19

Stop calling it big school and imagining the first day will be horrendous. If you think it will be, so will she.
Tell her if she doesn’t have the “right” shoes/bag/pencil case what ever you can buy new ones in September so she feels she “fits in”.

she doesn’t need to try on school uniform. It’ll probably fit- you know her size.

It is a scary time, but you need to give off “you can do this” vibes rather than “this is going to be hard we need to have a play date with other people who are also going to find this hard”.
She needs reassurance, not your anxiety as well as hers.
Regarding the phone, she may well be left out socially, but that’s the point of not giving a phone, surely. She won’t be experiencing any of the downsides of social media. But think carefully about how she is going to communicate with friends and organise her social life.

itsgettingweird · 22/08/2025 08:19

Another saying there’s a big difference between no phone and smartphone.

No phone she will feel isolated. Her friends will be messaging re meeting up, starting school, hairstyles and shoes etc. arranging to meet.

She’s going to secondary school - it’s no longer your responsibility to arrange meet ups. She’s growing up and you need to allow her.

YesHonestly · 22/08/2025 08:19

PreciousTatas · 22/08/2025 08:03

People are being over the top about getting dd a phone, probably to cover for their own lax and lazy parenting.

Dd has lots of friends and is very popular.

She is in year 8 and doesn't have a phone. They aren't allowed them during school hours anyway after a huge porn/bullying scandal through whatsapp broke out in year 7 last year.

She chats to friends on the house phone and when she has gaming time. She knows she'll be getting one when she is 16.

There has been plenty of research showing the very negative affects of allowing under 16's access to social media and phone use (especially if they are allowed them in their rooms at night). Getting your dd a phone is not a neutral act, it's a negligent one, often by parents who are constantly glued to theirs too.

That’s quite a reach there!

There are plenty of programs that allow a child’s phone to link to a parents phone so that permission has to be sought to download an app, parents can monitor screen time and what is being accessed, and limits can be set for apps or phone usage.

No phones in bedrooms overnight is a pretty simple rule to enforce.

Maybe unclench a little.

Ellie1015 · 22/08/2025 08:21

Unless it is unaffordable get her a phone, it is useful just properly monitor it. And get whatever shoes it is that she wants.

Hedonism · 22/08/2025 08:21

MellowPinkDeer · 22/08/2025 08:12

It’s really interesting to me that you claim the ‘“lax and lazy’ parents give their kids phones .

it is absolutely my view that the safe and effective management and building boundaries for kids re phone is the complete opposite of lazy parenting and in fact, the lax and lazy parents are the ones that deprive their kids and just say no so they don’t have to manage it.

if you parent properly and install restrictions then there is absolutely nothing wrong with a phone.

Show quote history

I agree with this. Children will be much more receptive to parental guidance and rules with regard to phone usage at 11 than they will be at 16. Set the boundaries and good habits now.

How does your DD keep on touch with her friends at the moment, op?

Aldilidl · 22/08/2025 08:24

Please stop talking about big school and play dates as if she’s 4.

why can’t she have a phone. She is highly likely to be bullied for that.

why was she bullied at primary school? How was that handled?

PreciousTatas · 22/08/2025 08:24

What parents seem to think are 'restrictions' are often incredibly easy for young children to get around.

Unless you have a full spyware level control of the phone (unlikely even for the average tech savvy parents skillset) then you have no idea what is being downloaded, deleted, or going on at all really.

At dd's year 8 the majority of parents said their child's phone was 'locked down' and not available to them at night. The children still managed to sneak their phones upstairs and send beheading videos, racist memes and pornograohy to each other on the WhatsApp group.

Even without negative material on the phones, children are affected by them.

Op, perhaps look at what organisations say about phone use in children. There are some positives to phone use in teens, but I feel this is far outweighed by the negatives. We can only make our own decisions based on available evidence as parents.

www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-we-do/blogs/should-children-have-mobile-phones