My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Firstly, as someone who has taught thousands of Yr 7s in big schools over the last 30 years, there will be a wide array of pencil cases, bags, coats and shoes so there shouldn’t be a worry there and it’s easily fixed with a trip to Smiggle or whatever the current fad is. Secondly, there has been a massive shift in attitudes to smart phones by both schools and parents in the last couple of years. A lot of kids have bricks now and aren’t allowed WhatsApp/ Insta/ Snapchat etc because parents have realised the issues involved, especially if they have older children. Most schools at least have a ‘gate to gate’ ban ( not seen or used on the school premises) and a lot have either total bans or lock boxes where phones are checked in. Some parents belong to groups which commit to not having smart phones until 13-14 so the days of ‘everyone’ having the latest smartphone are over. I would advise a brick for texts and calls etc on the basis that that there aren’t really any phone boxes these days.

Re the anxiety, every Yr 7 feels it and the best way to deal with it is to keep calm, try to plan some activities that will take her mind off it (especially getting out of the house and off-screens) and doing practice walk-throughs of the walk up to school/bus etc. I hope she has a really good first day and start. X

Let her have a phone
They will all be swapping numbers and that helps with making friends
She will be at a disadvantage without one

We let our children have phones for the start of secondary school, locked down and hedged around with rules a la @TeenLifeMum(I agree with those posters who have pointed out that providing a phone but placing boundaries around its use is not the lazy option. It’s definitely been a lot of work for us at times!)
However I disagree with @landanoabout joining the all class WhatsApp group. That is where the bullying etc usually goes on. Only allowing them to join WhatsApp groups with their actual friends (after checking with you) helps.

OP, my DS was bullied at primary school and the child in question moved to the same secondary school. He was so anxious the summer before y7. I really feel for you both. If you haven’t already, contact your child’s tutor and pastoral lead. They will want to know about these issues so that they can support her and make sure they know about any children who might cause her problems.

Have you checked how homework is sent to students? Only because for our school the information is sent to an app which I guess I could look after but my children have the app on their phone so they can manage their own homework. Might be worth checking with some other parents if you can just so that she isn’t surprised on the day if others are then downloading the app.

It’s horrible when a big worry is hanging over them, but the chances are everyone else is nervous too. I’m sure it will be a much better day than she is imagining.

I have a 12 year old in her second year of high school. She’s had a phone for years now - can’t imagine how she’d manage without one in secondary school. How do you plan for her to contact friends? At our school they actually use them for assignments and such (though I’m not thrilled with that) so I’d make sure your school doesn’t assume they all have them.

definitely stop contacting other parents, that’s super odd at this age. Am sure you’ve noticed a lessening of other parents contacting you!

I really, really hope you aren’t planning on walking her to school so it’s better for her to have one for the walk regardless.

my daughter is autistic and has crippling anxiety. Last summer was a really difficult time - starting high school ‘and’ she got her first period and had a massive friendship breakdown. It was really difficult and I wasn’t actually sure she’d walk in the door that first day. I told her to give it a week and then we’d figure out what we can do to help her. For her it was getting her own calculator (the schools seem to have just under the number of students and it stressed her out), getting a bathroom pass so she didn’t have to ask, she has a 5 min pass to leave class a couple minutes early if they’re just packing up so she doesn’t have to worry about being late to the next one (it’s a massive campus with several buildings. She’s never been even close to late but the worry of it was keeping her up at night. Don’t think she uses it much but there was one class last year that was tricky). I had a planning meeting with her guidance teacher to talk through everything and I spend one evening a week going over all her course work with her so she isn’t worried about falling behind.

phones can be life changing for anxious kids. She knows she can call me at any time and I will be right there. She did a ‘lot’ at the start but has settled down now.

Am curious how the no phone parents have their children manage their socialising? My daughter doesn’t have TikTok or Snapchat or anything like that - just texting and WhatsApp with lots of limits. But without any way of contacting anyone how do they make plans for after school or weekends? No judgement, just a logistics question!

My 11 yr old has no phone, neither do her best friends thankfully. They can arrange to hang out through school or parents- we’re all friends. But we don’t want her to have the stress or pressures attached to a phone and are all happy with the decision. The smartphone free childhood is gaining momentum, so whilst unusual to not have a phone, she won’t be the only one.

Have you purposely bought her different shoes than the ones she wanted?

I'd say that if not bullied, she will likely get left out of things if she doesn't have a phone.

So what if she makes new friends? I have never met my daughter’s friends’ parents and have no idea how I’d even do that. Totally appreciate there are lots of reasons to delay a phone until high school (and very happy to continue to avoid Snapchat, seems a mess!) but still seems logistically challenging to have your child’s entire social life controlled by you at that point. What about spontaneous plans after school or going into town and such?

In my school, the one poor girl who had those shoes was bullied horribly. It had to be Mary Janes or ballet pumps.

Good parents teach their children how to use smartphones safely, gradually increasing the freedom as they show they can be trusted. Lazy parents just say "no phone until you're 16 and it's not my responsibility any more."

Mine haven’t reached secondary age yet but it’s increasingly common for the kids going up to secondary to not have a smartphone. Smartphone free childhood is a huge thing in the primary that feeds into the secondary.

Haven’t read the full thread but zero of my daughters’ friends now entering secondary school are getting a smartphone (London.) I can only think of one kid who has one. Smartphone free childhood has changed things dramatically. We will probably get a brick phone but she’s not bothered. Just to counter the “you will ruin your child’s life is she doesn’t have a phone” vibes - often parents just justifying their own decisions. For us it’s definitely no!

Op, it sounds like you suffer from anxiety. there are ways to tackle this such as CBT.

I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Why do you have such low expectations of your dc? Does she tend to cry and do you tend to drag her places? And what is it with the catastrophising? What makes you think if your dd has a challenging first day /week / month it is all downhill? It could get better too?

Often parents pass on their anxieties and negative outlook to their unsuspecting dc. I guess, we can all do this when we're feeling out of our depth.

I urge you to deal with this slightly extreme view and trust your dc and her own innate abilities and confidence. Otherwise you will put a hell of a lot of pressure on your dd, yourself and everyone around you and make panic based decisions.

Try to find out why you are so worried and adopt a more confident and positive mindset.

Just want to say from my experience of working with teens that most of them who don’t have a phone/ or are not allowed certain apps just have their own account on a friends phone who is allowed access.
So easy to set up. Or even a smartphone at someone else’s house that you don’t know about that they bring to school for them. Generally it’s an older model of someone who’s upgraded and they just buy a pay as you go SIM from somewhere like Asda.
Id say if your kids aren’t giving you grief about having those apps/a phone it’s because they already have them somewhere else.
Cynical I know but true.

Looks like OP has disappeared- hopefully yo buy her DD a phone .

Regarding the bullying in primary, are any of the children who were unkind going to the same new school as your dd @Suede82 ? If they do, I hope they won't be in the same form. Sometimes it's better to not stick with people from primary as it prevents them from making new friends.

If the impact of her social life at primary is profound, she may benefit from counselling. If she is socially insecure or a bit socially shy and awkward, as many can be at this age, you will do well helping her develop those social skills. It's key. IME, the more independent she is the more likely she will thrive.

High time to carefully and lovingly loosen those apron strings OP.

I agree, whole class WhatsApp give people you don’t even like access to you outside school time. I have a 17yo so we’ve navigated dramatic suicide announcements (attention seeking but I always take it seriously) and hard core porn being shared in the group. Thankfully our school takes it seriously even though it all happened outside of school time. That all happened in year 9. Each time, the first thing dd did was come and tell me within seconds of receiving them.

dtds are 14 next week and they keep phones downstairs and on charge on a docking station over night. Their friends are messaging all through the night. One parent once said to me “you just can’t stop them can you?” I’m not sure my face hid my disagreement. Those imo are the lazy parents.

I guess Somerset and Dorset are very different to London. Two dc without phones in dd1’s year 7 and I’ve had one by Christmas, not sure about the other. Dtd’s year 7, everyone had a phone.

I wanted to take my daughter’s phone but I realise over the holidays it’s her life line for getting prepared for high school. I do not really my want my to kid to have a phone but if you deprive them at this critical point they will get online anyway. It’s tricky and I do understand people not wanting kids to have a phone. I am not with her dad and he is very much against her having a phone but if you think the moral support is crucial and nothing something that you can give them they need peer support.

London suburbs and everyone had a smartphone from Y7 but my kids are 16 and 19. For my DS1 they were allowed phones at break and lunch, which I hated. They all knew what phones each other had and DS obsessed with getting an iPhone. They just all sat on benches staring at a screen, couldn't believe a school condoned that. DC2&3 school been better, phones banned last couple of years in school but they did have and used them in school from about Y7-9.

I commented before that my 11 year old hasn’t and won’t have a smartphone. All the pro-phone parents say she’ll do whatever she can to get online etc. she has an iPad and sometimes uses the internet. She would much rather be on the trampoline, climbing a tree or doing craft than being online. (My younger sons, maybe not.) She’s simply not that interested, and is provided with a lovely environment full of other outlets. Of course it might change, and I’m not against her having a dumb phone, but none of us are in a rush with that.

They don't need a smartphone, just an independent way of making plans with friends (or asking a homework question, or contacting a parent...) so a dumb phone is fine if they have Internet at home for school stuff etc.

Myb14yo loves playing in the woods but she needs a phone to make arrangements with her friends to meet in the woods first!

This

Yes we are having lots of contact with the others so they will know a small number.

You should not be making plans now though. If you don’t give her freedom you will be resented. All the kids from primary school with drift. Get her a Nokia without internet. Give her some independence though seriously