Eton for one child, nowhere for another - what do you think?

[ThatJadeDreamer]

We've been advised that my son is a good candidate for academic scholarship and large bursary at Eton or similar and we are thinking about applications and testing. Both he and his little brother go to a "requires improvement" state school that isn't very good and DS is super bright. We don't have any money to pay fees for private schools. The amount of fee remission/academic scholarship offered by smaller day schools near us is far too small to be helpful, so public boarding school with massive scholarship or regular state school are his only options.
Here's the issue: his younger brother is one year behind him. He's very academic too but not in the same league as older brother, and very different/wouldn't like the same school as his brother.
But how do we explain the difference? If we can't send younger brother to any private school at all, should we decide Eton/similar is off the table for eldest?

I am totally on board with picking schools for kids based on their differing needs but these two different outcomes seem so extreme, I could really use some advice!

Who has advised you because most primaries won't.

It's a difficult one. Hard to deny the older voy an opportunity; hard to tell the younger one he's going to the comp round the corner instead.

I assume you are working full time and there is no scope to bring in the extra shekels?

You do what is best for each child. End of. If older child gets massive scholarship it s his to have. Younger one can get extracurricular instead to his likes and abilities

Will you be able to afford all the associated costs of a child going to Eton? I'd imagine there is a lot of expenses that most families there wouldn't bat an eyelid at but that your family may find a blow.

I'd put up a post: Has your child gone from primary to private on a bursary and how did you all find it?"

I have a friend who had a large brood of kiddies. The eldest was extremely bright and got a bursary to the local private school a few years ago. She hated it! Really struggled with the fact that all the other kids there looked down on her, excluded her etc and they couldn't afford all the activities and kit the other students had. I know a fella my age had the same experience too in the 90s.

I don't think the mum felt guilty at the others staying at state school, and I don't think the siblings cared but did feel bad they all spent much more time in the car every day ferrying to and from.

Regular state school for both.

Can you move and get your younger child access to a better school?

I think you have to let the older one try otherwise it will remain a very big ‘what if’. As long as you also support the younger one to try for such opportunities if he wants to, you have given them the same chance.
If the younger one stays at home full-time he will get more of your time and attention.

In families where parents have split the kids it has lead to siblings not getting on. Is it really worth it? If they are bright they will breeze through GCSEs etc anyway

Have you looked at Christ’s Hospital OP - a broader demographic than Eton and more generous with bursaries so better chance of taking both boys?

Mine are in a mix of state & private according to their needs. It's never been an issue here.
Let DS try for a place.

Personally I would pass on Elton for the eldest. If he is super bright he will do well anywhere alongside your obvious support and encouragement. The differing education for them both would just be too big a gap to navigate as a family and could set up a lifetime of resentment and family dysfunction.
Your children are both bright no doubt due to nature and nurture. Let them grow their own wings in their own way. Eton is just a very fancy school at the end of the day and it can't bring your son up in the same way as you have been doing so successfully.

Do the best you can for each child. I had one at independent school on a bursary and one at state school. The one at state school did better in exams because she's much more driven!

Who has advised you about this bursary for Eton?
How much will you have to pay for which isn't covered?
Will your second child, only a year behind, feel resentment about his brother getting such immense privilege?.

Definitely worth trying to get a bursary for Eton - he may not get it anyway.
If he does get a place, bursaries can be 110% - which covers fees and extra costs (for that poster wondering how people afford the extras).
Who has been giving you advice? Bursaries are different to academic scholarships. You don’t have to be academic to qualify for a bursary. You have to be unable to pay the fees. Sometimes children with bursaries have a particular skill (music, sport etc), but it’s more about improving diversity in schools. We have quite a few siblings with bursaries at our school. It’s worth trying.

Another vote for CH. There's a lot more taken into account than just academics and the kids are from a really broad and diverse intake.

Might your younger son qualify for a scholarship to another independent school?

I wouldn’t be happy if I was the older child and this was passed over

Where has this advice come from?

in general I would say you have to pick for the individual child but I think Eton and RI state school is such a gulf that it will damage family relations. My aunt still resents my mum as she went to a ‘better’ school than her.

Also a third or whatever it is for Christs Hospital!

Just apply and worry about it later goodness me. However bright he is, it's no guarantee. You have two very bright kids and are willing to send them to board, you have a lot of options. Christ Church has already been mentioned, but there's tons.
As long as both have equal opportunities to get the same than I don't understand why you're worrying ahead. It's not like you're paying for one and not the other.

Look into it carefully, my dds friend a year older got a full scholarship to a public school (not Eton but a famous one) and the parents were faced with large bills for the not included items including hundreds for various compulsory uniform items, second hand was not possible for most things, trips, other extras, transport every 3 weeks home at times when she should have been working (she was self employed so no income then) and they had to say no to all the optional stuff. They suggested my dd try too but none of the girls schools or coed offered suitable scholarships then.

I wouldn’t.

Give your children the same opportunities, from which they can choose to springboard onwards. Going to Eton will be like one winning the lottery and one not. It will change him for life (or go badly wrong).

It’s not like nurturing one talent - eg a flare for tennis, music, maths. It’s a whole different class (literally and metaphorically).

This choice may mean the brothers are not close, not friends as they grow up, have little in common, and even resent each other.

Is it worth that? When as he’s bright he’ll do well anyway?

I would be more worried about the emotional damage to your older son from boarding at Eton than your younger son's envy.

Keep both your sons with you and spend money on activities and tutors for both.

Be guided by what your son wants and what would be best for him.

I'd be worried this would set up life long resentment from the youngest to eldest. Eldest would make so many fruitful connections that younger ds will just never have access to. They'll live totally different lives by time they're late teens

The younger brother will access the connections via his brother. Obviously diluted, but it’s not without benefit for the child that doesn’t go.