Eton for one child, nowhere for another - what do you think?

[ThatJadeDreamer]

We've been advised that my son is a good candidate for academic scholarship and large bursary at Eton or similar and we are thinking about applications and testing. Both he and his little brother go to a "requires improvement" state school that isn't very good and DS is super bright. We don't have any money to pay fees for private schools. The amount of fee remission/academic scholarship offered by smaller day schools near us is far too small to be helpful, so public boarding school with massive scholarship or regular state school are his only options.
Here's the issue: his younger brother is one year behind him. He's very academic too but not in the same league as older brother, and very different/wouldn't like the same school as his brother.
But how do we explain the difference? If we can't send younger brother to any private school at all, should we decide Eton/similar is off the table for eldest?

I am totally on board with picking schools for kids based on their differing needs but these two different outcomes seem so extreme, I could really use some advice!

Why Eton? Lots of private schools do bursaries and those schools would probably feel less like one kid is being treated vastly different to the other. I'd also caution about the extras. So what does the bursary not cover ... and can you afford that

Also, have you looked at the entrance exams?

The people advising that allowing one child to take advantage of an opportunity will breed resentment are not looking at all angles. The child held back will resent the missed opportunity. Denying your child a chance to excel is horrible. I really just can’t see why anyone would do that to their child.

if one child has an opportunity, then it is OP’s job to figure out how to close the gap by bringing up the other child to a higher level somehow, even if it is through her own tutoring efforts.

"tutoring efforts" will never bridge the gap between the most prestigious school and... elsewhere.

And a 4th from me!

OP one smart kid in Eton and the other smart kid in a struggling state school is a complete disaster of an idea. Just don't do it.

Try to get them both into a decent independent as they are both bright, or try to move to an area with a better state. As others have said if they're bright they'll do very well.

There are other schools that are private but not Eton. What’s wrong with looking at others? Seems a bit of a stretch to choose Eton because someone else came up with the idea. Have you looked at other schools?

It's enabling one and denying the other though, that's the problem. Eton will take ever spare penny the family has, and the other younger boy is very smart too. He really will get left behind despite how smart he is, I e., he has lots of potential too, and it wouldn't be invested in if the heavy weight of Eton and the extra costs there need to be met.

There are plenty of other independents that may offer grants.

It's what Dominic West's mum and dad did. Read a few interviews etc and see what you think.

What are you going to do with your eldest in years 7 & 8 until he is old enough to go to Eton? The application process takes a couple of years and how would he get the support he needs? We know someone who got a place whilst living overseas and it seems to have been challenging doing it independently as their knowledge was very different to many applicants.

My brother and I are from very solidly class backgrounds and both went to a private school (though we didn't board) on massive scholarships. I absolutely hated it - I think it has given me the enormous chip on my shoulder I have today - but we were both successful academically so I can't in any way say it was the wrong choice.

It depends on your eldest son's personality really. Does he want to go there? Will it bother him, being around all these super-wealthy people?

Do whatever makes him most happy. And the same for your son within the scope of what is possible. You can't disadvantage one child to make it fairer. If one of them was brilliant at football and the other was only average, would you insist the one who was brilliant didn't pursue his footballing career because it was unfair on his brother?

Life isn't fair.

Would he enjoy being at a high profile boarding school? Could he get a complex about being one of the poor bursary kids who couldn't afford the ponies, the skiing, the sailing, the long-haul holidays? Might he even resent being sent away to school whilst his brother gets to stay at home with mum and dad? There is a lot to be said for treating your kids equally, and if he is that gifted, he will do well wherever he goes to school.

How old are they now and who told you this?

OP Is this a social experiment?

The footballing analogy doesn't work, because it's a very specific sporting skill.

I wouldn’t look at is as paying for one child, because you’re not. One just happened to get in by his own merit. Not letting him go seems very unfair. However please have a very good look at all private schools. He may not actually enjoy Eton. Any good grammar options for other ds?

My brother went to private school and I went to a below average state. He had reduced fees because our dad worked there.
We had very different childhoods and opportunities and there was definitely resentment. We are still friends though.

I would also seriously consider moving to an area with a much better state school and get your oldest into eton still or equivalent.

Terrible idea, IMO. There are loads of excellent private schools with scholarships - Eton is not the be-all and end-all for a successful life (and nor is Oxbridge).

Eton for one, eBay for the other.

that's true, I've heard kids in this situation often see themselves as being sent away while the other child is "kept" and therefore more loved

Well I wouldn't. I would send them both to the best I could that wasn't private and suffocatingly expensive. There will be tonnes of extra costs associated. How do you explain to your other son that you cannot do X y Z because of the fees? I think it would really breed resentment.

I don't know anything about Eton, but doesn't it start from Y9? In which case, where are you going to send him for Y7 and 8?

Who said he would be likely to get in? I think that is a really random comment unless from a very specific source. By all means try, but I would not be putting a post up like this just yet!

I was going to say the same.

Personally I’d never consider Eton due to ethos. However Christs Hospital school is another matter and accessible for children like your son

www.christs-hospital.org.uk/about-christs-hospital/