Eton for one child, nowhere for another - what do you think?

[ThatJadeDreamer]

We've been advised that my son is a good candidate for academic scholarship and large bursary at Eton or similar and we are thinking about applications and testing. Both he and his little brother go to a "requires improvement" state school that isn't very good and DS is super bright. We don't have any money to pay fees for private schools. The amount of fee remission/academic scholarship offered by smaller day schools near us is far too small to be helpful, so public boarding school with massive scholarship or regular state school are his only options.
Here's the issue: his younger brother is one year behind him. He's very academic too but not in the same league as older brother, and very different/wouldn't like the same school as his brother.
But how do we explain the difference? If we can't send younger brother to any private school at all, should we decide Eton/similar is off the table for eldest?

I am totally on board with picking schools for kids based on their differing needs but these two different outcomes seem so extreme, I could really use some advice!

Do you know anyone who has gone there?

I wouldn't put my child in the position of being the poorest person in a school that is so well known for its elitism and snobbery.

Through work I have to be in touch with several Old Etonians and they are elitist, entitled and titled. It's a different world.

I know several people who went on the type of scholarship the OP describes from a similar background and they had a good experience, which surprised me. They have to be very very good to get it so perhaps that is respected.

They can both attempt the entrance exam and scholarship criteria. If one gets it and the other doesn't, then they both had the same chance.

Mine are in a mix of state and private. You could always even things up for your younger son by covering more of his uni fees? He may not even feel that way; mine aren't bothered.

In that position I would keep them both at state school and aim for Oxbridge. The demographic there is much more mixed than Eton and opportunities broader.

I’m always surprised when people talk about “connections”. I know a few people who went to public schools - DH is one - and they have no contact with school friends or school friends’ parents at all.

Lots of people have mentioned picking the right school for the right child and some have experienced having one in independent & one in state and that that was fine. I totally get that as we did exactly that for a couple of years with our DC.
Eton, though, is such a different experience that I think it has to be considered differently. Your DS1's norm for 33 weeks of the year will be so totally different to that of the rest of your family. At the same time, his norm at home with you will be different to many of this family. Some children handle it. However, there is a real risk of someone becoming "other" in both their family and their peer group.

How did the other student know that she was on a bursery? I couldn’t tell you who had one form when I was at school and I couldn’t tell you which of my children’s peers have one either??
Some are clearly a bit more wealthy than others but that’s all could say.

State school for both . Far too tough emotionally for DS 1 to head to Eton in these circumstances.
I did similar at 16 and hated it.

There is a big chance that your eldest would never forgive you for passing on such an opportunity, he would also very likely resent his sibling. No brainer IMO.

Boris Johnson went to Eton on a scholarship. Look how that turned out.

If you can't afford to send to Eton - and 99.9% can't so there's no shame in that - I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. I know someone who went and you need serious money to thrive there. If you're financially challenged, Eton is not the place for your son, not without a ton of counselling afterwards. These people with dough can smell the unrich at twenty paces. Whatever connections you think he might make from it, he likely won't because he is not one of them.

Another example - David Cameron and his bunch of cronies. Do you really want your son being looked down on by jerks like that?

I actually think it's disgusting that some people (on this thread), would deny their child such a rare and unique, life-changing education because their other child wouldn't qualify/get the same opportunity.

That could cause huge resentment for the child denied the opportunity that they had earned in their own right.

I know someone (an excellent hospital Consultant), who sent one child to private school, the other to state grammar school. She made the decision based on her individual's children's needs. She's an amazing mother who meets her children's individual needs really well.

@ThatJadeDreamer you can't deny your son this opportunity.

Sometimes people get selected for various things in their life, would you deny your younger son something he's selected for, because your eldest child wasn't?

It's just silly, you must let your children take what amazing opportunities that are available to them. It's not right to deny a child something amazing because the other child won't get it. Life doesn't work like that. How do we know what opportunities will arise for the youngest in the future?

Imagine your son finding out he missed out an this potentially life-changing opportunity because of his brother.

More importantly though, what does your eldest son want? As long as he's free to make up his own mind and not be guilt-tripped into turning it down, let him choose.

I cannot dispute your personal experience of adults who were there previously, @anxietyaardvark - but given the very high proportion of boys currently at the school on bursaries I’m afraid I cannot agree that such pupils suffer from ‘being the poorest’. That’s just not how it works day to day.

For one thing you don’t have to be particularly poor to qualify for one, and the boys I personally know well who have received 100% bursaries there thrive on their strength of character. They have hobbies, talents, wit, etc, etc - qualities which make them popular amongst their peers. They definitely are not creeping around Eton ‘feeling poor’.

They’re also clever enough to take advantage of the remarkable opportunities - curricular and extra-curricular the school affords them. They make friends, not ‘contacts’. And emerge after five years with the values their families have instilled in them, not as unfamiliar monsters.

If they are super super bright they’ll probably get the same grades elsewhere without that additional issue for your family.

I know someone who has done this. 'Very bright' sibling is now going to prestigious, private school with lots of extras (sports, music, etc) on offer on a partial scholarship; sibling is going to bog standard local secondary.

I'm not sure, tbh, how you can justify treating siblings so differently. One will have so many more opportunities down the line potentially ... can't see how it won't breed resentment and feelings of being hard done by. Let alone the money ... because a partial scholarship and all the extras will affect everyone in the family, less for them there, too.

Rather than asking parents it might be worth starting a thread specifically asking people who were educated differently to their siblings if and how it affected their relationship.

It would be a no from me.

Childhood is about so much more than just school. If they are really that bright they will do well anywhere. If you give your children one opportunity, it should be the opportunity to feel safe and loved and happy. Not the opportunity to show you are different/better than the rest of your family.

I can see the appeal- but sibling relationships are more important.

Who told you, by the way?

I went to a well known public school for sixth form as a boarder. Admittedly decades ago but it’s not an experience I’d want for my kids at all. Boarding would be a no for me, I’d see it as a negative unless there was some overwhelming positive eg a couple of the music specialist schools.

It wouldn’t be the different experience for siblings that would bother me, I think different according to their needs is a good thing. It would be whether going to Eton is a positive thing at all.

Treat both boys the same. Please. Anything else will almost certainly cause resentment and may well seriously damage their sibling relationship.

The advantages of a public school education can last a lifetime. I have witnessed this myself.

@ReadingSoManyThreads that is a different situation though - I’ve known kids go to private school because they haven’t got into grammar school ie both children are accessing an exclusive education.

Can you imagine bringing a school friend home and realising the social and economic chasm?

Same here - DH was at public school, I was at private day school. In fact DH’s friends from those days were all international students now living in their home countries.

It's the automatic connections that it gives you. The privilege of the old school tie.

Please don't do this.