Eton for one child, nowhere for another - what do you think?

[ThatJadeDreamer]

We've been advised that my son is a good candidate for academic scholarship and large bursary at Eton or similar and we are thinking about applications and testing. Both he and his little brother go to a "requires improvement" state school that isn't very good and DS is super bright. We don't have any money to pay fees for private schools. The amount of fee remission/academic scholarship offered by smaller day schools near us is far too small to be helpful, so public boarding school with massive scholarship or regular state school are his only options.
Here's the issue: his younger brother is one year behind him. He's very academic too but not in the same league as older brother, and very different/wouldn't like the same school as his brother.
But how do we explain the difference? If we can't send younger brother to any private school at all, should we decide Eton/similar is off the table for eldest?

I am totally on board with picking schools for kids based on their differing needs but these two different outcomes seem so extreme, I could really use some advice!

What nonsense. Have YOU visited Eton?

All this talk of contracts for the future and private jets.

Complete BS.

Im no fan of the place myself but the misplaced fantasy of networks and ‘contacts’ is so outdated and wrong.

Companies hire ‘clean’ today. You don’t put your school down. Just your grades.

Most people that go to PS are normal people without ‘networks’ im one of them. Got all my jobs myself, never called on ‘old contacts’ for anything. Most of the people I went to school with didn’t amount to much. Like most people who go to PS.

The only place I see advantages to going to Eton seems to be if you want to be a Tory and become an MP.

There it appears to have some relevance but for the rest of the jobs in life you need to jump through massive hoops these days and you can’t name Eton on a grad application.

So stop with this idea of networks and contracts it’s a load of BS.

Boris Johnson has done a real shit show of a job on tarnishing all private schools.

And at Eton currently there are 100 boys on full 100% bursaries and 20% of the school receiving support. I can’t imagine they have private jets.

I read an article last year where a state educated adult really resented the privately educated sibling- but this was because parents paid. I think you can be very clear that there is no favouritism. Denying a child this opportunity (which he may well not get) would leave all sorts of what might have beens later in life.

I guess we have different experiences. I also dislike Sherborne Girls school. These are my opinions and you’re welcome to disagree but they are based on stories from private school teachers and knowing families from those worlds. I love that you think nepotism has disappeared, sadly you’re rather naive.

A friend of mine her son got a free place to a snazzy famous school in London. Free included bus and uniform. His sister continued at the state school. It wasn't an issue.
Life is rarely fair
My sister is late 50s and still resents I didnt go to boarding school and she did.. there's always something to grind your axe about..

I think, get Eton out if your head, find a school not based on a scholarship offering but find somewhere your son will settle in and thrive. Eton bedazzles, but there are loads of other good schools, oaid for or not, to choose from.

This is true, one can always find something to get upset about. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Not sure, why Eton is the only option here, does your son have an offer? If not, I would let him apply to a few places and see what happens. I would give your second son the same chances to apply to a few options and see what happens. Both given same opportunities then.

we are thinking about applications and testing

The OP’s son doesn’t yet have a place. And most applications to the school are unsuccessful.

Not everyone who is offered a bursary (after rigorous and intrusive investigation of their home and finances) finds it is at a level that makes attendance feasible. And the school can withdraw an offer of a place if they decide the parents cannot afford to pay.

All that said - it is completely normal for boys at the school to have siblings attending other schools. (Brothers as well as sisters.)

This is very good advice!

So give examples. Otherwise it’s just rhetoric. Of course nepotism still exists. I never said that. If you own a company you have some more power over hiring but that’s got nothing to do with Eton. People up and down the country can do that for their kids.

But in large corporations it doesn’t exist anymore. What proof have you? Name and shame!

and the idea that going to private school or even Eton gives you contracts and means you have private plane is just wrong.

Maybe there are one or two families with a private plane. But they fall into the 0.01% of people in life. They were already wealthy before Eton and always will be. Next.

I think you should allow your eldest to apply (you apply for him) and give the younger one the same opportunity.

Have a look at other schools with generous scholarships / bursaries.

Depending on your finances there is also the option of state boarding schools, you pay for the boarding but the education is provided by the state.

Have you looked at the academic outcomes for Eton to see if you are happy with these for your child? I have a friend whose child boards at Eton mostly on a combination of bursaries. From what she has told me, you couldn't pay me enough to send my (equally academic) child there. Bullying is rife, the school doesn't seem to have a handle on it, plus going into Year 11, the child appears not to have covered half of the syllabus in some GCSE subjects and she's had to pay for tutors over the summer to catch up. Yes he has made some good friends (and thus possible future contacts), but I do worry for the child himself.

I would look at other private schools or even move to a grammar school area (if you can do this within their admission timescales, some require you to be living in the area from x date (can be year 4/5) ), given both yours are academic.

I have a friend whose child boards at Eton.
@throwa

If Eton is proving so unsatisfactory why has your friend kept her son there?

I have asked her this. She is planning to move him for 6th form given his experience there but will keep him there for GCSEs. I'm not sure it has given them the whole school experience either of them were hoping for.

@ThatJadeDreamer In terms of different schools/opportunities for your two children.

I can only give my friend's example and every child (and adult) is different so I don't know how helpful this will be.

She comes from a very low income family with a lone parent on benefits.

Her brother was very academic and got a grant assisted place to a private school. A local day school though, so not boarding. It was the same school my brother attended and that's actually how I met my friend (our brothers became friends).

My friend went to the local state comp. She's never had any resentment to her mum or sibling.

As it wasn't her mother or another family member paying for her brother's school, my friend didn't feel there was preferential treatment.

I do agree though with other posters, that if it's an option I'd look into moving home, so you can be near a better state school for your youngest.

I think a private day school is slightly different to Eton!

See i was going to say the opposite because I don't see why intellectual ability isn't like any other talent

If eldest dc was incredibly good at football and offered a place at a football academy would you say no because it wasn't fair on his brother? How about if he was incredibly talented musically and offered a place at a conservatory? What if he was a good actor and won a role in a film, would you deny him that opportunity?

Conversely, if one if them was disabled and were offered special opportunities because of that would you reject it because it wasn't fair on their sibling?

What if there was a bigger age gap and you'd accepted the private place before it became apparent the youngest one wasn't at the same level - would you have made the eldest then drop out half way through his education?

Where does it end? If one of them goes to uni and one doesn't, do you refuse to help out the one who does, despite the epectation parents earning too much for their children to qualify for the full loan do so, because you aren't giving the same amount to their sibling.

Treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them equally and exactly the same, because they are not exactly the same people.

Youngest might resent you if eldest gets a better education than him but equally eldest might very well resent not being given a life altering opportunity just because his brother might not get it.

The only fair way is to allow them both to apply and then whether they get in or not is on their own merits. Exactly as if they both wanted to be in their local football team or auditioned for an orchestra etc.

If your DS is that clever he'll excel at a normal state school.

Dealing with a child's additional needs by finding alternative provision is not , by any stretch "preferential treatment".

Other people have touched on this, but a family friend got a bursary to well known prestigious boarding school. They still had to pay all the extra curricular costs and really struggled with it. They even had to fund raise at one point. 😳

I saw a documentary series a few years ago following, I think 3, ordinary boys who all got 100% scholarships. I can’t remember the details but I remember thinking it seemed quite a nice school. I’m sure there are some horrible spoilt brats there but I even had some at my state comp.

There could be resentment both ways. Your eldest could be resentful that he was 'sent away' and missed out on things your youngest had at home.

How old is your eldest and who said this to you? The process is very competitive, so he won't necessarily get a bursary place. Although I appreciate if you start down that road, you need to think about what you would do if he does get a place.

With bright kids I'd be more concerned about their happiness than grades. They can do well academically at a less good school. Would your DS be happier at boarding with a clever cohort or at comprehensive with a mixed cohort. My kids would not want boarding regardless.

Have you any idea how much time 21st century boarders spend at home, @BendingSpoons? It’s a lot. They’re rarely away for more than two (or at a stretch three) weeks at a time, and parents and siblings could be popping in to school every week if they chose to do so. It’s highly unlikely that any boy who chose to be there would spend his time moping about and feeling he’s missing out on home life.

There are I’m sure countless reasons not to send a boy to a famous public school. But most of the reservations expressed on this thread are … groundless.

I went to a well known public school and can vouch for the hidden costs which even a full scholarship do not prepare you for. The kit is much more extensive and often available from a school outfitters (ours was Harrods😱) plus there are very expensive trips ski trips, horse riding etc etc I know that all schools have some but the costs of these are more capped to be frank. I am not offering a view on whether or not you should consider the scholarship option but do consider the associated extras when weighing it all up.

Don't split your boys up. They will profit more from each other more than any "connections".

I went to a private school (partial bursary) and my brother went to the local comp. I never felt I fitted in and all my friends lived miles away, which was really lonely, especially in the holidays. We had crap holidays and my parents struggled financially for years as they still had to stump up for school fees. My brother has always felt that there was a divide between us, even though he now has a better job than me. My kids go to state schools.