Eton for one child, nowhere for another - what do you think?

[ThatJadeDreamer]

We've been advised that my son is a good candidate for academic scholarship and large bursary at Eton or similar and we are thinking about applications and testing. Both he and his little brother go to a "requires improvement" state school that isn't very good and DS is super bright. We don't have any money to pay fees for private schools. The amount of fee remission/academic scholarship offered by smaller day schools near us is far too small to be helpful, so public boarding school with massive scholarship or regular state school are his only options.
Here's the issue: his younger brother is one year behind him. He's very academic too but not in the same league as older brother, and very different/wouldn't like the same school as his brother.
But how do we explain the difference? If we can't send younger brother to any private school at all, should we decide Eton/similar is off the table for eldest?

I am totally on board with picking schools for kids based on their differing needs but these two different outcomes seem so extreme, I could really use some advice!

I wouldn't want a child at Eton unless we were very wealthy. It's not just about academics, there would be all kinds of uniforms to buy, expensive trips abroad etc.
Depending on where you live, City of London Boys' School gives full bursaries for the bright boys whose parents can't afford the fees.

But skiing trips and horse riding aren’t compulsory. I know any number of boys who’ve passed through five years of public school without doing either.

Uniforms can be bought second hand - and there’s no stigma attached to that.

I am aware that the very poorest families can be offered more than just the bare fees. In general, from what I’ve seen, not even those on 100% bursaries are expected to go without modest holidays, up to date technology, etc - because it’s obviously easiest if boys have some commonality of experience. But teens, on the whole, value each other for their individual qualities, not their parents’ bank accounts.

IMO not a great plan, going to Eaton or similar when your child isn’t from a family with funds is hell , sent mine to a very expensive private school, I am well educated and considered to be
posh by my dear friends ( hate that term but know what I mean)
as we didn’t have the cash that other pupils had
and everything that goes with it
it was a struggle not being able to do the same things in the holidays and that’s just for starters
schools like Eaton are not just about the education, it’s life style who knows who etc
I regret sending my child , the education was good yes but the rest was hell tbh
think carefully and then threw a non private school sibling in the mix
start by looking at the huge cost of uniform
countless piles of games kit all compulsory then have a look at the school trips and the cost involved then there is the opt in or out ski trips on it goes good luck

My brother and I were entirely different. I was academically brilliant - ended up as an author. He was great at practical stuff, like building. The important thing is we loved each other (he died young, tragically). Maybe your less academic boy will understand and make alowances for his sibling's position.

I very much disagree that ‘bright’ children will do well wherever. The environment is absolutely crucial and in my opinion so many state schools do not invest in trouble-free bright children who could really excel with investment. Bright does not always mean motivated or has the toolkit to really thrive. I say this as a parent and as a post 16 teacher of multiple decades.

We were told to get our kids into the nearby private school. To our surprise our really smart older child didn’t get offered a place but their little brother got a full ride scholarship. Even then though there were many costs that were hard for us. We had to pay $1,000 a year for school bus, and the uniform requirements were expensive and after two years he decided to just move back to local school as he didn’t fit in. Example - one kids birthday party was at their home which had a ballroom, indoor and outdoor swimming pools and a boat dock as well as a genuine massive chihuli chandelier worth easily $1 million hanging in their entrance hall. I didn’t mind the wealth gap but clearly it was tougher on my kid.

as for the fairness regarding siblings - the oldest tested into a gifted program that took the top students from surrounding schools and had a special school within a school just for them. They loved it and found it far more challenging than the private school option would have been - they took three years of science in one term for example which meant the fast pace could help them complete high school two years early. We ended up having to move away before completion, but it shows there are good options out there for all different siblings and they don’t require the same paths.

all three of my kids ended up in different high schools.

I had a very similar situation with my two sons. The eldest went to a private school (not boarding) on a big bursary, the youngest went to the local comp. Both are doing great but I do worry that younger bro got a bit of a dent to his self esteem. They both know how much they are loved but teen boys are competitive and sibling rivalry is real.

Could you consider State boarding schools like Holyport College? Bursaries are available for boarding costs, no school fees & sponsored by Eton. A more diverse crowd…

I'm sad at people on here think that Boris Johnson is the way he is due to an Eton education. Boris was Boris before he ever spent a night there,

If your son has a shot at a fully financed education which includes required uniform and kit, I'd say explore the opportunity. Furthermore, Eton isn't the only interesting school in the UK and there are other more academic schools if you're looking Europe-wide. Depends what suits...

If successful, your son won't be the only child there being assisted financially by the school so if you're concerned about disparity, perhaps arrange to have a chat with another bursaried student when you visit; I'm sure they would be delighted to reflect on their own experience. I strongly suspect however that Eton will have that situation fully covered without prompting.

I would argue that being fair here means recognising and respecting the fact that your children are individuals and what suits one may be awful for the other.

You're not talking about whether to spend significant cash on one child and not on the other, this is soley about opportunity. Fairness is your support for an application to a school, which by bursary or by being a state option, is a result of the child's choice. So DS2 may not be Eton bursary material but precious few are. There are other schools who offer means-tested full bursary assistance and take the most able children. DS2 may however come through open days and decide he'd rather go to the local state school with his existing friends. Being fair is respecting that.

I went to public school and my sister chose local state school. We're still the sisters we were and most importantly, each of us recognises that we would have suffered in each other's schools. School experience, particularly a boarding experience, obviously shapes everyone, but blood is thicker than education.

Give yourself permission to follow up the opportunity if it's what your DS1 chooses and best of luck going forward. :)

Totally unreasonable, showing you don’t give a damn about your child’s future!

Judging by Eton's alumni l wouldn't send my son there.

Try for a good day school.

My sister got a scholarship to a private school as a day pupil. This required catching three buses each way but my parents considered the opportunity worthwhile and this was in the sixties so she never had much say in it.. I went to the local grammar school as I wasn't as brainy as her , but never resented her going private and much later she told me that she didn't particularly enjoy the experience and would have preferred to join her friends at grammar school

I was a very academic child, and my parents sent me to private school after being advised to by my state primary school teacher. I wasn’t on a scholarship because my parents didn’t even know they existed so didn’t apply, but I likely would have got it as I was in the top handful in my year.

My (older) DB went to a state school. He hugely resented it and still, I suspect, does even 30 years later. My parents got him moved to a better secondary school than the default option nearest our house, but that wasn’t enough for him.

I loved my time at school and am so grateful to my DP for the financial sacrifices they made to send me there, but I paid a big price as regards my relationship with my DB.

There are a few really excellent state boarding schools - academically rigorous but much more affordable so possibly both boys could go.

Will you be able to afford all the associated costs of a child going to Eton? I'd imagine there is a lot of expenses that most families there wouldn't bat an eyelid at but that your family may find a blow Agree you definitely need to look into this. I went to Christ’s Hospital, so as it was a means tested charity status school, a lot of the extras were covered. I’m not sure that would be the case at a school like Eton, but you’d need to research that.

but you’d need to research that.

Well, no. If the OP’s son is encouraged to take a specific state school scholarship, the school will discuss the financial commitment with her. They won’t offer a scholarship it is impossible to take up. As mentioned several times in just this thread, expenses above the fees can be covered by the school.

(Ridiculous to find myself advocating for that particular institution - but, again, the objections raised here are mostly based on total lack of knowledge, so …)

Difficult.
I don't have boys but if I did, Eton is absolutely one I'd target for him. IMO it's one of the best boys schools in the country and if my son had the academic ability to get in, I'd not hesitate to send him, if that was what he wanted.

Given your second son is also bright, you could try for bursaries for other public schools for him, eg Christs Hospital as several others have mentioned. At least they would have similar uniforms!

This is a tricky one as there are bound to be resentments on the part of your two DSs whichever way you choose to go, if not now then at a later stage. The elder one may feel he has been held back from achieving his potential if he is offered a scholarship but doesn't take it up (though a very bright child is just as likely to succeed outside the 'public' school system and may have other life experiences which he wouldn't get in a more cloistered environment); the younger one may resent it if he doesn't get the same educational advantages as the elder.

Not quite the same situation, but we had similar dilemmas over our two DDs. We had chosen to send both to the local comp, but in Y10 the elder one became so acutely unhappy that we hastily moved her to a fee-paying girls' school with a good academic record. She loved it there, made lifelong friends (she's now 32), and now has a very good, fulfilling career. We wanted to treat both DDs the same, so when it was DD2's turn (6 academic years' difference) we put her in for the same school and she was awarded a scholarship as she was more academic than DD1. But she was never happy there, and although she performed very well academically she chose to leave after GCSEs and go to 6th Form college which suited her much better. She's since gone on to get a 1st class degree and a Masters. I don't think we exactly made a mistake in sending her to the same school as her sister as she admits she probably wouldn't have been happy at any school, but it's worth considering that there is more to a fulfilling school experience than academic achievement.

This probably doesn't apply to your situation, but my DH's 3 children from his 1st marriage (all grown up by the time he started his 2nd family) never had the opportunity to go to fee-paying schools, and one of them (who is now nearly 60!) still feels aggrieved... Not that it's held him back, as he probably earns more than my two DDs will ever do in less well-paid professions.

Hello fellow CH alumnus? Hertford era or Horsham?

Hi,

Horsham! And you?

Spanned the merger!
Horsham definitely the better experience.

Have a chat with both children. See how much they understand about the situation and what do they think about it. If they don't quite understand, explain the best you can and try an open conversation.

I'm not saying is their decision by any means but perhaps it will help understand how to your younger could potentially feel.

Myself & my sister went to different schooks, private and state schools; there's no grudge, we both got what we wanted and do do well and most importantly remain friends.

I can understand your brothers resentment because your parents chose to pay for a better education for you but not for him. In OPs situation, she wouldn’t be paying for either child’s education. However, that’s not to say there wouldn’t be any resentment still I suppose

If older child gets in on full bursary. Why not put younger DS in for the exam. He might surprise you but also then it wasn’t you giving preferential treatment . You effectively offered it to both. It just wasn’t suitable for DS2.

Do what's best for both boys based on their academic skills. It'd be a shame for your oldest to miss out on such a fantastic opportunity just because his brother isn't as clever. You also said your youngest wouldn't like the same school as his brother. Ask both boys their opinions on it & go with what feels right for both of them individually.