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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

217 replies

lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 09:37

Applications for secondary schools close on Tuesday 31st. My ex has custody and is leaving it until the last minute to make the application. They have purposefully been elusive about it, giving me tiny bits of information to make it look like they are involving me so that it appears that way to a judge (should it come to that), making it difficult for me to prove otherwise. This is a common tactic of theirs and is very frustrating. On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

A minimum of two buses is required with substantial walking between bus stops. A forty minute journey each way minimum. I have explained this to my ex who sees this as an opportunity to alienate me further, as we both know that DD, who although says that journey will be fine and although it's only three trips altogether (two back to mine, one to school), will soon tire of it, and when it gets to the school day ending, and she's tired, and the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

So, what can I do? I have tried being polite with my ex and I have tried being firm. It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason. There are schools that more central with more direct and accessible bus routes to both ends of the city (I live one end, ex lives the other). I've reminded them that they are leaving it to the last minute. They know this but are doing it purposefully. I have contacted my solicitor who is on holiday.

In the meantime, what are my rights? I have PR, but not custody. Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application? And just looking for advice in general. I appreciate that as I don't have custody their might not be much I can do but thought it was worth asking around whilst my solicitor is away.

I should also add that for personal reasons I am physically unable to drive and taxis across town will quickly become too expensive to sustain. I have contacted the council about support with transport, but they only offer that to the resident parent. Otherwise, the children are expect to get a public bus. This is all new to me as I grow up in a more rural location with designated school buses that took us from our homes straight to the school gates. I didn't realise I'd been so privileged until now!

Lastly, there is has been an ongoing campaign to alienate me from DD since her birth. On a few occasions we have spent months apart from wedges that have been driven between us for no good reason and it has taken a lot of work to undo the damage. So please bare that in mind when responding. This is a continuation of that alienation.

OP posts:
cansu · 27/10/2023 09:47

Your ex is obviously going to choose a local school within walking distance if possible or one that is easily accessible. This is good for your dd as she will have local friends and be able to attend clubs and after school activities. When children get to secondary age contact often changes naturally. They have homework and spend more time with friends than parents. At some point you need to stop fighting about having equal and think about what your dd wants and needs. She probably wants to be with her friends. Why should she choose her school to make an easier bus journey to you twice a week?

JassyRadlett · 27/10/2023 09:52

Which of these schools is actually better? More suited to her interests and personality and potential?

BellaAndDave · 27/10/2023 09:53

Surely it makes sense to choose the school closest to your DD’s home? No doubt she’ll have friends where she lives who will also go to the closest school as well as other out of school interests. This is about what’s best for your DD and I think you’re missing that point.

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2023 09:53

Depending on where you live I think you need to be realistic about this process. How far away from fear primary address (which is your exs) are what you consider to be reasonably located schools. Catchment distances can be as little as 1km.

also where are her friends going - to the 5 minute school? Ultimately it is better for your daughter to be that close for 60% of the pick ups and for any extra curriculum stuff rather than having to travel each day.

sadly a 40 minute journey is fairly common in high school and certainly something you can appeal against and she says it’s fine

Ostryga · 27/10/2023 09:54

Can you change the court ordered days so that you have Fridays and weekend days, or maybe one in the week and another weekend so your Dd doesn’t have to do the long journey too often?

I do think Dd should be going to a school that she is closest to the majority of the time. No point making her journey longer for 2 days a week.

Remember that it’s Dd that has to come first, even if you and your ex are at loggerheads go into every decision thinking of what benefits Dd most. A longer journey twice a week so she can live close to school the rest of the time is better than medium journeys every day to make life easier for her parents.

YoDood · 27/10/2023 09:55

Can you move closer to the school and your daughter’s primary residence?

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 09:59

School ’choice’ is an odd concept. You express a preference and then are allocated a space based on clear criteria.

  1. Your ex is entirely reasonable to choose a local school that your DD can walk to from her house.
  2. Your DD may only qualify for places at very local schools to your ex’s house anyway.
  3. Your DD probably wants to go to the local school because her friends are also going there.

This whole post reads ‘me, me, me’. If it’s so difficult for your DD to travel to where you live, maybe you need to consider moving closer. Or picking her up. Or agreeing a contact schedule in her best interests.

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 10:00

Which school is best for your child? As a teen, she will increasingly want to be near her mates, as she becomes more independent. It makes sense to go to a school nearer her 5-night-a-week home. Which school is more suited to her academically?

Plus if your ex is doing the school run most, does she also need to get to work quickly in order to support herself and pay half your dd's costs. Any arrangement has to allow for that.

On the bright side, your dd will be out and about in your city with her friends in a year or two, and able to travel to your house independently.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:00

Why does he have primary custody?

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/10/2023 10:00

Your DD wants to go to the secondary school that all her friends are going to. It really is as simple as that.

You need to take a step back, a deep breath, and work out what's actually best for DD. Keeping in mind that many DCs do that journey twice a day. You also need to consider that things change when DCs get to secondary school, contact is much more about what suits them and their new social life. Don't take that away from her.

Be bright and breezy, be the person she wants to spend time with, and she'll do the journey.

Moonlightsonatas · 27/10/2023 10:02

I’d consider catchment areas too. In my area, it is very unlikely to get into a school that is more than 2 miles away.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2023 10:02

How does she get to yours currently on school nights op? I went to a school across the City which meant to buses. Ok no walk between stops as I changed at a bus station but I did it alone from 11.

I think if this is the school they get (and even if you got her to apply to somewhere closer to you as first choice, she still might end up here) then you have to spin the positive. Offer to test run the route with her if you can't do pick up. Talk about how grown up this makes her etc.
If there's an after-school club on your day is there scope legally to swap days? Would you then he able to pick up?

clary · 27/10/2023 10:02

Hi OP Sorry for your situation but would your DD gain a place in the more central schools anyway? I live on one side of a city, my DC went to the local school. If my ex lived the other side of the city, yes there are schools that would be nearer them but there is no way my DC would get into them on distance, at any rate the better-rated schools.

And yes, the opportunity for your DD to have a short walk to school and live most of the time near her friends, rather than having to take on a daily 20-30 minute (or whatever) commute to school is very valuable.

Not sure what, if anything, you can do about this tbh.

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 10:04

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:00

Why does he have primary custody?

I think the OP is the father.

Shewhobecamethesun · 27/10/2023 10:04

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:00

Why does he have primary custody?

No genders are mentioned. I presume OP is the dad and mum has residency.
OP please correct me if I'm wrong

fridaynight1 · 27/10/2023 10:04

This isn’t about you. The best school for your daughter is the one that suits her and offers the best education.

Spacecowboys · 27/10/2023 10:05

I firmly believe that secondary school preference should be guided by the child. They have to spend five years there, including the awkward teenage years so it should absolutely be at a school they want to go to. I also think it’s reasonable for the school to be close to their primary residence. Probably a good time to rethink the contact days.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/10/2023 10:05

I completely forgot about catchment rules too - yeah, in my city she would get a place near her home, if you put your address as the primary residence she'd get a school near your home, but there's not a snowball in hell's chance of getting a school 'in the middle'. Just doesn't work like that.

DelilahBucket · 27/10/2023 10:06

You are not thinking of your DD here at all, just yourself. Get a grip because no court is going to side with you on this, as outlined in many of the excellent previous posts. Clearly you are still bitter about your ex but that is your problem and you shouldn't be making it anything to do with your DD.

DelilahBucket · 27/10/2023 10:07

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:00

Why does he have primary custody?

I'm guessing OP is the father as the post mentions the ex being a "she".

PissOffKen · 27/10/2023 10:08

Why would she choose schools that are convenient for you, rather than the best schools for your child? Your OP is focused solely on your wants and your animus towards your ex, there’s nothing actually in there about your child or her needs and best interests.

Lookatmytoes · 27/10/2023 10:08

in most areas now unless you apply for your nearest school then you risk not getting a place at all. I have four schools near me but all are over subscribed so if I don’t pick my nearest I could end up anywhere in the city. This happened to a friend who got the special measure comp on an estate on the other side of the city. Prob the nearest with space.

Your child comes first so worry about livelihood of getting in, how she feels and what the school is like. Many primary’s feed into s small Humber of high schools so if she can stay with friends than this can help with the transition.

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 10:10

Shewhobecamethesun · 27/10/2023 10:04

No genders are mentioned. I presume OP is the dad and mum has residency.
OP please correct me if I'm wrong

The OP says: ‘It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason.’

The tone and content of the OP suggests that he’s not easy to co-parent with.

VerityUnreasonble · 27/10/2023 10:11

You are not thinking of your DD here. Only yourself.

Surely DD would prefer to be in a school close to where she lives the majority of the week and where her friends are likely to be going?

There are 10 journeys to / from school each week. Given the option of 7 x 5 minutes walk + 3 longer journeys or 10 × a longer journey (20 minutes daily? I have no idea what schools you are suggesting but let's say about half the distance). I know which I would choose.

Maybe you have been subject to alienation before and it is skewing your view but this doesn't sound like it.

Laurdo · 27/10/2023 10:11

I'm assuming her primary school at the moment isn't central so how is she managing getting to yours?

I have personal experience of parental alienation and it absolutely boils my blood, however I think in this case it's more about DD going to school with her friends and closer to the home she stays at most often rather than making travelling to you more difficult.

You could change the schedule so she's coming to you on a Friday and staying the whole weekend rather than midweek. The issue with that is that they then get to an age where they want to go out with friends on the weekend so stop coming through.

Would it be possible for you to move? Even so that she only needs one bus?

It's difficult and I really feel for you. It's truly awful when mum's make contact difficult and try to alienate the other parent.