Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

[lonerdottierebel]

Applications for secondary schools close on Tuesday 31st. My ex has custody and is leaving it until the last minute to make the application. They have purposefully been elusive about it, giving me tiny bits of information to make it look like they are involving me so that it appears that way to a judge (should it come to that), making it difficult for me to prove otherwise. This is a common tactic of theirs and is very frustrating. On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

A minimum of two buses is required with substantial walking between bus stops. A forty minute journey each way minimum. I have explained this to my ex who sees this as an opportunity to alienate me further, as we both know that DD, who although says that journey will be fine and although it's only three trips altogether (two back to mine, one to school), will soon tire of it, and when it gets to the school day ending, and she's tired, and the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

So, what can I do? I have tried being polite with my ex and I have tried being firm. It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason. There are schools that more central with more direct and accessible bus routes to both ends of the city (I live one end, ex lives the other). I've reminded them that they are leaving it to the last minute. They know this but are doing it purposefully. I have contacted my solicitor who is on holiday.

In the meantime, what are my rights? I have PR, but not custody. Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application? And just looking for advice in general. I appreciate that as I don't have custody their might not be much I can do but thought it was worth asking around whilst my solicitor is away.

I should also add that for personal reasons I am physically unable to drive and taxis across town will quickly become too expensive to sustain. I have contacted the council about support with transport, but they only offer that to the resident parent. Otherwise, the children are expect to get a public bus. This is all new to me as I grow up in a more rural location with designated school buses that took us from our homes straight to the school gates. I didn't realise I'd been so privileged until now!

Lastly, there is has been an ongoing campaign to alienate me from DD since her birth. On a few occasions we have spent months apart from wedges that have been driven between us for no good reason and it has taken a lot of work to undo the damage. So please bare that in mind when responding. This is a continuation of that alienation.

A judge cannot direct that the school application system works differently than it does, which is to give places based on the child's primary address. The application is due by Tuesday. The child's primary address will not change by then.

It does not sound like ex is being obstructive about transport, the DD can take public transport.

A judge may vary the contact nights to eg Sunday and Monday to reduce the DD's travel, I guess.

What does it matter which parent has residency? It's kind of irrelevant to the post. If schools are comparable then makes sense to attend closest to home

A judge may vary the contact nights to eg Sunday and Monday to reduce the DD's travel, I guess.

A 40 minute community is not an onerous commute especially by secondary. Many many children do more than this every day. The cut off point for school transport time (more linked to school buses going round the houses picking up children) is more than 75 minutes is considered too much

There's a lot more to school choice than location, but you haven't mentioned anything other than location in all of your posts. Which school is the best school for your DD? It might be that a school in between you and your ex is a good choice, but it might not be. Do you have an opinion on anything other than location? What's best for your DD should be the priority. Could you move?

You don't need to move to live near your ex though, just move closer to the secondary school so your daughter can get to your house relatively quickly and easily.

Applying last minute makes absolutely no difference at all.

Fair point - it was the only thing I thought I judge might rule on of the three points raised.

Yes the travel certainly would be within what any LA would consider acceptable to place someone.

the OP says city which makes me think that the chances of getting into the central school are not high and if they are that says something about the school.

While school choice is a bit of a crock in many ways, in lots of places parents can choose a school other than the one the LA would naturally allocate based solely on home address, that's why there's an application process. And though the application is due on Tuesday, if schools aren't over subscribed it will be possible to move her after the process is over and before the new school starts.

Your post is making this issue solely about your contact with your daughter and the logistics of travel. To an extent I can see how this might be your first reaction, if there are ongoing alienation issues at play. However, a school choice shouldn't be only or mainly about those considerations and you need to untangle the ongoing alienation issues from what's important about your daughter's choice of school.

Aside from anything else, depending where you live and given what school admissions are like in most of the UK, your daughter is most likely to get offered a place at her nearest school and is unlikely to be offered a place at a school if she lives a long way outside the catchment area. It's said that there is a choice in school applications, but for the most part it's the illusion of a choice. You don't appear to have researched what the situation is in your area - or at least, you haven't mentioned it. I can remember spending hours looking through dense government-published datasets in tedious CSV format and other online info when we were applying for my daughter's school. It's boring, but you need to be informed and realistic. Local authorities publish details about the secondary school admissions in their areas for each year. It should be on their website, but you may have to dig for it. It may be on data.gov.uk and it is published on other websites that you may need to subscribe to access e.g. locrating.com. There will be published stats for each year (and the stats will vary from year to year). A crucial one is the "furthest distance allocated" because it tells you the furthest distance from a school that a child got offered a place. There is no point applying for a school if the child's main residence is further away than the furthest distance offered in the preceding year.
The secondary school that we are in the catchment area is heavily oversubscribed and the "furthest distance allocated" has been falling every year. The most recent "furthest distance allocated" has been only fractionally over the catchment zone.
'Last criteria admitted' can also be useful. There's more explanation of the datasets and how to use them here: https://www.locrating.com/Blog/collecting-last-distance-offered-data.aspx

As others have pointed out, it makes far more sense to be at a school that's very close to your primary residence, even if you have to travel further on the other two days. Starting secondary is a huge transition from primary for most children. It's exhausting and overwhelming, at least to begin with and having less travel time most of the week will really help her. There will probably be far more after school clubs and activities that she'll have the opportunity to sign up to than there was at primary school and she's much more likely to feel inclined to sign up / continue with them if she only has a short walk at the end of a long day afterwards.

The level of homework required jumps dramatically when they start secondary. My daughter really struggled with the jump and the amount of evening study required. The level of personal organisation expected jumps massively too - negative "equipment codes" issued every time they forget an exercise book, calculator, ruler, whatever. My daughter went from only needing her reading book and packed lunch at secondary school to needing to pack a different array of exercise books and equipment every day, depending on the lessons that day. It's a lot for them. Many of them struggle with the transition. Keeping it simple in terms of travel is far better, unless the nearest school to her home is actively terrible.

The other thing you haven't mentioned at all, is what she's actually interested in and good at and what kind of school would be a good cultural or academic fit for her and give her the best opportunities matched to her needs and talents. (For example, one school near us makes children follow the eBacc which means they only allow them to do one creative subject each at GCSE - not so good for creative children who might have wanted to do, say, both art and drama at GCSE. Some schools gear themselves to specialities, especially in the sixth form e.g. STEM. Another school in our area is specialist Sports, which might be good for some, but not very appealing to my non-sporty children. So if you are lucky enough to live in an area where schools are reasonably undersubscribed and there might be some element of choice, you really need to consider what might be useful for her educationally and socially, because every school really is different - they are not just locations on a map - and don't just frame this around access rights.

Personally I didn't even put our 'catchment' not that they exist mostly in England school on the list, my Yr 7 leaves at 7.25 dropped at station to be at school for 8.15 to start 8.20. It's the school he wanted and miles and miles better than the say 8 or 9 closer schools. And about the only one he can get to other than the catchment as he can walk / train 20 mins / walk and we both work so he needs to be able to get around, also as teenagers need to be independent. The catchment he'd never be able to stay for clubs as being rural no buses except school bus. But I researched for years and knew we were highly likely to get a place as very high pan as another local school closed a few years back.
My second passed with flying colours so put 4 grammars, my work 2nd as he can get a school bus or train, and he wants all boys with all his friends. Results are about equal, obviously not the comp vs grammar but I looked into sats scores and flight paths and am confident the comp serves my child well as a very close to passing 11+ but not quite.
People think I'm mad for not appealing for my yr7 and putting my yr6 straight into the school I work at which is amazing, but you have to think long term and what's best for each individual child. As a psychologist, parent and teacher, I am an expert I hope!
The only variable is location for you which is very odd. If you can walk to a school but it's a sink school then over my dead body. 1 hr travel is normal. As long as it is easy, you can afford it and you know your child can cope.
Eg my second will get the bus from 300m away and get dropped back there. He wouldn't like walking for 20 mins after the train. But my first is super active and needs lots of exercise, so suits him very well.

‘what are my rights?’
Parents don’t have rights, they have responsibilities. It’s the child who has rights. There’s no such thing as custody in the UK. A school 5mins from your child’s house sounds ideal for her. You’re centring yourself instead of your kid, and blaming it on her mother.

Given the OP lives on one side of the city and his ex on another, and the city is big enough to require two buses and at least 40 mins to cross it, I suspect there will be distance limitations on schools

Since we don’t know where the OP is we have no idea whether the schools are oversubscribed or not.

No, but we do know which is the primary address of the DD.

This isn’t a productive discussion, so I’ll leave it.

Remember that the DD is actually happy with the choices her mum is submitting. He’s deciding to ignore his child’s preferences and say that’s parental alienation. And then returns to his main focus of ‘how this is inconvenient for me’.

On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

Maybe the OP could listen to his daughter and support her in her choices. Maybe doing so might mean their relationship isn’t ’hanging by a thread’.

Starting secondary school is a very good time to revisit a contact schedule and make sure it is what’s best for the child.

I’d love to hear the other parents view and the child’s opinion. The OP appears to have given no thought to what the child’s feelings are. As others have said on this this thread it’s all about his wants and I would have said the same if a female had posted this thread. I feel so sorry for children caught in the middle like this, they never asked to be born and should never be used as pawns because parents have separated or divorced. Sadly, many parents who are separated or divorced use children to ‘point score’ between each other. There’s no points to score and it’s disgusting behaviour imo. @lonerdottierebel would you agree or disagree?