Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

[lonerdottierebel]

Applications for secondary schools close on Tuesday 31st. My ex has custody and is leaving it until the last minute to make the application. They have purposefully been elusive about it, giving me tiny bits of information to make it look like they are involving me so that it appears that way to a judge (should it come to that), making it difficult for me to prove otherwise. This is a common tactic of theirs and is very frustrating. On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

A minimum of two buses is required with substantial walking between bus stops. A forty minute journey each way minimum. I have explained this to my ex who sees this as an opportunity to alienate me further, as we both know that DD, who although says that journey will be fine and although it's only three trips altogether (two back to mine, one to school), will soon tire of it, and when it gets to the school day ending, and she's tired, and the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

So, what can I do? I have tried being polite with my ex and I have tried being firm. It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason. There are schools that more central with more direct and accessible bus routes to both ends of the city (I live one end, ex lives the other). I've reminded them that they are leaving it to the last minute. They know this but are doing it purposefully. I have contacted my solicitor who is on holiday.

In the meantime, what are my rights? I have PR, but not custody. Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application? And just looking for advice in general. I appreciate that as I don't have custody their might not be much I can do but thought it was worth asking around whilst my solicitor is away.

I should also add that for personal reasons I am physically unable to drive and taxis across town will quickly become too expensive to sustain. I have contacted the council about support with transport, but they only offer that to the resident parent. Otherwise, the children are expect to get a public bus. This is all new to me as I grow up in a more rural location with designated school buses that took us from our homes straight to the school gates. I didn't realise I'd been so privileged until now!

Lastly, there is has been an ongoing campaign to alienate me from DD since her birth. On a few occasions we have spent months apart from wedges that have been driven between us for no good reason and it has taken a lot of work to undo the damage. So please bare that in mind when responding. This is a continuation of that alienation.

I have PIP. It doesn't go as far as you think it does. I'm down to £0 most weeks because I have to just do one round taxi trip a week with my daughter to drop her back home. Buses don't work for me as with my disability the way it is I need a door to door service.

My ex has a history of frequently moving house. As soon as I move, she will move again. This is also reason for a more central school, as I don't foresee them living in the same area of the city for the entire time DD is at secondary.

I hadn't mentioned changing contact days because sadly that's not the easy fix that everyone is making out. It would require a court application which I would rather avoid. My ex has never been one to do things to help without a judge weighing in, otherwise I would obviously ask for that.

@lonerdottierebel any chance you can answer the questions about the catchment and application criteria for the school you would prefer, as well as the same for the school your ex is choosing?

From age 11 contact is all about what the child wants. So if your child wants to change the days of the week, how often etc then a court would almost certainly grant it. Including if they chose not to see you anymore.

Generally at this age the child will influence the contact that you get, so if changing days of the week makes travel easier and less unpleasant than they may choose that. It shouldn't need a court order at this age

This is an easy one surely - your daughter goes to the school that’s best for her. You, and her mum, work around that. End of discussion.

Keep going down the path you're going and the problem will be solved for you - your DD won't want to see you at all so no more logistics problems. It is utterly selfish to make your DD have a longer journey to school every single day just so its slightly shorter on the days she goes to yours, which might not even last for much longer as she gets older and wants to spend more time with her friends.

It's clearly not that straightforward - parents do not get their choice of schools, they get to express a preference. Even if they both agreed the schools near OP were better, that is not the DD's primary address.

What's to stop you submitting an application for first? If you have parental authority presumably you can?

You need to look at the admissions criteria for all the schools you are considering. Then, phone the school and ask about how wide their catchment is as a general rule and whether the school is over-subscribed. You should then be able to work out the likelihood of your daughter getting in the school you want. I don’t think a judge would necessarily disagree with a more central school, providing you are likely to get a place. But that’s the key - a judge is not able to actually get your child a place at your preferred school, just order that an application is made if they consider that a reasonable thing to do.

What you need to realise is that if you put down a number of schools your child is unlikely to get into, she could end up being allocated a school that doesn’t work for anyone and there will be nothing to be done about that because you’ve wasted your opportunities.

Do your homework. Fast,

because the DC isn't primarily resident with the OP.

Because the child's primary address is her mum's address. An application from OP's address would be fraudulent and the place might well get withdrawn, if it even got as far as being granted.

If she’s choosing a school that is local to her home where DD stays for most of the week, then I think it’s fine.

But if she’s choosing one that’s further away from her home and even further from yours, then she’s being selfish and not thinking of what’s best for DD.

I’m sorry that you are being alienated and a central school would be easier for DD but when it comes to free school transport there are quite strict rules in place.
I have to pay for a taxi (which costs me a fortune) because even though our estate is within the catchment area, my front door isn’t and so they won’t put on school transport and there are no buses.

If ex puts DD in a school in the middle, it will not be the local school and therefore she’d have to pay for transport every day for the next 5 years.

A court is going to say that the best school is one closer to her residential home.

Would it be possible that you take her for tea one afternoon a week but not have her overnights and possibly have her more on the weekends/holidays to make up for it?

Last distance admitted by school is usually online. Schools are on half term this week, no point calling.

Quite. I was on some training about working with perpetrators of abuse and it was raised as part of the training that parental alienation, whilst often a valid concern, is all too easily used by abusive men in circumstances where the mother is desperately trying to shield the child from abuse. Apparently they are also offering training in this to magistrates. Not to say of course that you are abusive OP. Just another perspective.

Whilst its difficult for you ,you cannot expect your ex to send your daughter to a school, miles away from her main home, to make it easier on you. Going to school somewhere not local ,will mean her friends are not local, you're not really thinking of her in this situation are you?
Sorry but you need to sort the travel out and take some responsibility, if you cannot even do that how can you even parent properly.

Where do the children where she currently lives go to school? In secondary children make their own friends, arrange meet ups etc, parents are not very involved. Even if the more central school is put down first, it is likely that the closest school to your ex will be allocated if listed as a preference, unless lots of children don't go to their local school.

Which school is best suited to her needs/ interests, it can be worth children travelling because of an interest like drama, if a school offers a better drama offering or if languages are more widely offered - don't limit options based on location, select the schools suited to your daughter. If you push towards a school she doesn't want, she will more likely rebel against you and if her other parent has pushed the closest school, but she would rather try to move with her friends that could also lead to issues and again if she moves, your daughter may not want to move schools as she is settled so will end up travelling any way from wherever.

Part of parenting is helping them become independent not dictating, so as long as nearest current school is not unsuitable for your daughter, don't push too hard.

Given the selfish, petty reasons given for wanting to control the school choice, none of which centre the child that is terrible advice for the child involved.

Right enough!😄

the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

Which is the closest school to your daughters home and current school?
Which school is the most convienient and easiest for your daughter, as she grows more independent?
Which school is she likely to actually get a place at?

And which school is best for you?

I'm guessing that all the best options for your daughter are not the same as what is easiest for you. But whats easiest for you seems to trump all considerations for your daughter.

You don't seem to have actually bothered to ask which school your daughter wants to go to, and why. I guess she's probably been to visit all these schools and is involved in the decision going on with the other parent but this doesn't even seem to be on your radar - its all about which is easiest for you and 'fairest' to you as if its some sort of competition

I think I know why you are the ex and why your daughter's other parent doesn't give you much time. And you want to wonder why your relationship with your daughter is hanging by a thread when you aren't giving any consideration to your daughter and instead are saying any decision she makes isn't hers but the other parents?

Jesus. CONTROLLING MUCH.

Also:
My ex has a history of frequently moving house. As soon as I move, she will move again.

Finding a new house is not easy. People do not move through choice without good reason. The fact you keep moving too, is just 'odd'.

I'd put MONEY on a MASSIVE backstory here.

He’d be utterly unreasonable to submit his own application.

@IncomingTraffic I completely agree with you

As someone who is involved in admissions I would suggest you do the following:

1. Go onto your (your daughers if different) local authority website and look at the school admissions section.
2. You will be able to put in your daughters postcode - assuming she 'lives with' her mother and see what her 'catchment' secondary school is. You will also be able to find out what the likelyhood is of her getting into that school.
3. If you put in the postcode of her current school you will see the 'catchment' secondary for most of the kids shes currently at school with.
4. You can see from the admissions data the likelyhood of your daughter getting into and school as a 'in catchment' or 'out of catchment' kid

The reality is as PP have said - she will get the catchment school of her mothers address at the point the application is made. No amount of appeals about split custody etc will change that.

For clarification school transport is only paid for those 3 miles (or in certain circumstances a non-walkable route) from home to school where the nearest/catchment school was put on the application form. The only deviation from this is where there is no space for the child in the nearest school, then it is the next nearest. Your address will not come into the equation.

In terms of what you can do - you can make the application. It will piss of your Ex even more and you will still only be able to go on the address that the child lives - not yours - so the catchments won't make any difference. If you both make applications, then the LA decides which to accept - and they usually go with which parent is claiming CHB for the child. Any other input you have will need to be through the courts system under a specific interest application. However if the deadline is missed or this court date is after the deadline then the application/change in application will be dealt with as a late application.

I am aware everything I have written is the opposite of what you want to hear. I do understand the difficutlies you are having maintaining a relationship with your daughter - and as the parent of teens - this will only get harder. Realisitcally you need to speak to your daughter - be honest with her about your concerns about seeing her less. Ask her what you can do to make the time she has with you easier/better and try and use that to build a relationship. Can you for example video call or write her letters between the times you see her?

Tough one OP. Hope you manage to maintain some sort of relationship over the next 10 years - after that will be easier if that is what your daughter wants.

I have to say that if you have a 10/11 year old and a parent still forcing contact via a court order, something is off especially when the parent in question says the relationship is hanging by a thread.

The child doesn't sound like they are likely to continue contact. Framing it as 'parental alienation' takes agency away from the child to say no in circumstances where THEY are the one who can't stand the parent and its got fuck all to do with their other parent.

The thing that REALLY stands out to me on this thread is two things:

1. the OP seeing this as a competition where everything has to be 'fair' versus the other parent
2. the total lack of regard for the wishes of the child - with everything centred around their (the adult parent) needs instead

This is controlling behave to force the other parent to comply and does even pretend to consider the child first.

Give it a couple of years and I bet the kid doesn't want anything to do with controlling parent. And it will everything to do with their own behaviour not their former partners...

All very good points.

I also bet the ex’s version of this tale may not match the OP’s ‘I’m a poor victim of my evil ex’ tale.

Surely taking your daughter on a weekend, when it's just a couple of trips,would eliminate the problem?
Does your parenting not extend to giving up your weekend, got better things to do?

Let’s say, for example, that in your ideal world, your daughter goes to a school you prefer. One that’s out of catchment, a few miles away and requires a bus journey. Who’s going to pay the bus fare each day? If you have no money left at the end of the month, it’s not going to be you is it. Do you think your ex would accede to a request to stump up money for bus fares for a school that was not on her list of preferences.

What you want doesn’t come into the equation. What matters is what your daughter prefers and whether her preferences meet the criteria for admission.