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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

217 replies

lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 09:37

Applications for secondary schools close on Tuesday 31st. My ex has custody and is leaving it until the last minute to make the application. They have purposefully been elusive about it, giving me tiny bits of information to make it look like they are involving me so that it appears that way to a judge (should it come to that), making it difficult for me to prove otherwise. This is a common tactic of theirs and is very frustrating. On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

A minimum of two buses is required with substantial walking between bus stops. A forty minute journey each way minimum. I have explained this to my ex who sees this as an opportunity to alienate me further, as we both know that DD, who although says that journey will be fine and although it's only three trips altogether (two back to mine, one to school), will soon tire of it, and when it gets to the school day ending, and she's tired, and the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

So, what can I do? I have tried being polite with my ex and I have tried being firm. It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason. There are schools that more central with more direct and accessible bus routes to both ends of the city (I live one end, ex lives the other). I've reminded them that they are leaving it to the last minute. They know this but are doing it purposefully. I have contacted my solicitor who is on holiday.

In the meantime, what are my rights? I have PR, but not custody. Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application? And just looking for advice in general. I appreciate that as I don't have custody their might not be much I can do but thought it was worth asking around whilst my solicitor is away.

I should also add that for personal reasons I am physically unable to drive and taxis across town will quickly become too expensive to sustain. I have contacted the council about support with transport, but they only offer that to the resident parent. Otherwise, the children are expect to get a public bus. This is all new to me as I grow up in a more rural location with designated school buses that took us from our homes straight to the school gates. I didn't realise I'd been so privileged until now!

Lastly, there is has been an ongoing campaign to alienate me from DD since her birth. On a few occasions we have spent months apart from wedges that have been driven between us for no good reason and it has taken a lot of work to undo the damage. So please bare that in mind when responding. This is a continuation of that alienation.

OP posts:

BananaHamster · 27/10/2023 12:36

Couldn't you learn to drive? Or move closer?
Why is this all about you. Surely she could come on the Friday evening till Sunday evening and make it easier?

ThirdDressStress · 27/10/2023 12:38

IncomingTraffic · 27/10/2023 09:59

School ’choice’ is an odd concept. You express a preference and then are allocated a space based on clear criteria.

Your ex is entirely reasonable to choose a local school that your DD can walk to from her house.
Your DD may only qualify for places at very local schools to your ex’s house anyway.
Your DD probably wants to go to the local school because her friends are also going there.

This whole post reads ‘me, me, me’. If it’s so difficult for your DD to travel to where you live, maybe you need to consider moving closer. Or picking her up. Or agreeing a contact schedule in her best interests.

I agree with all of this.

Listofjobs · 27/10/2023 12:39

How far is her current school from where you/her mum lives? How does she get to you currently? She is doing the right thing in my opinion, especially if all her friends are going to what sounds like her local catchment area school. Can you meet her somewhere central and then take a taxi to and from the central point on access days?

weirdoboelady · 27/10/2023 12:42

Honestly, a 40 min bus journey won't hurt her. At that age I did a 90 min train journey (several changes, lots of waiting around and cancelled trains extending the journey still further) each way to school every day, so I am struggling to understand the problem, really.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 12:45

JustAMinutePleass · 27/10/2023 12:35

Go back to court and get 50/50 and force a more central school location.

I suspect if this were within the relms of possible or desired the op would have already done so.
He likely doesn't want or can't have the privilege of 50/50 but still wants to call unreasonable shots to control his exs life, being the non resident caters to his victim mentality.

Sweetchillidumplings · 27/10/2023 12:49

Maybe I’m missing something, but it doesn’t seem like your ex is trying to send her miles out in the opposite direction or anything like that. The school she currently attends might be more central but the distance between your home and your ex’s remains - presumably she’s currently somehow travelling between school and to and from your home and her other home ? So what’s the issue with continuing to do so other than the journeys are split in a different way (just shorter on home side)?

Flamingo68 · 27/10/2023 12:50

There’s increasingly a view that parental alienation isn’t really a valid phenomenon and might actually be used by controlling ex- partners to try and continue to influence power over their child’s other parent…

Myfabby · 27/10/2023 12:54

JustAMinutePleass · 27/10/2023 12:35

Go back to court and get 50/50 and force a more central school location.

All before september with applications closing in a few days?

This is the criteria for offers in my borough

https://www.surreycc.gov.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0003/289632/Secondary-allocation-figures-September-2022-V1.pdf

good luck with 'forcing' anything.

https://www.surreycc.gov.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0003/289632/Secondary-allocation-figures-September-2022-V1.pdf

Onceuponaheatache · 27/10/2023 12:56

Ok, for starters the school applications for secondary rely heavily on your "normal school area". This is based on the postcode of the parent with primary residency.

Next up...you are both making this a battle to get one uo on the other instead of focusing on what is best academically for your dd.

I get there is a history, but neither of you is putting your dd first.

I am so glad that however much of a wobble my ex is at times we have a mostly fantastic and collaborative co parenting relationship!!

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 27/10/2023 12:59

JustAMinutePleass · 27/10/2023 12:35

Go back to court and get 50/50 and force a more central school location.

Central is the worst if all for DD. She'll have to commute every day and have no local friends, resulting in almost no opportunities for after school social life.

School ideally should be close to at least one home, and as she spends more time at one house logic would be that it is that one.

Walking to and from school together is a great way of making friends and that impacts a kids life.

Where I live no schools are walking distance so my kids had a daily commute. I regret that for them, despite the schools they went to being excellent. They feel it impacted on the happiness of their childhoods and ability to make friendships.

I think the op is being really selfish and thinking about their own desire to see their child on specific days rather than what is best for the child.

Visits can be rearranged to better suit school locations and travel can be better facilitated. Long bus journeys every day just do you can control the school they go to is mean and bad parenting.

I don't think this has anything to do with alienation, but even if it did I would still feel the same way as a local school is better for the child

Ladyj84 · 27/10/2023 12:59

All I read is a selfish parent and more so from your replies. You say you get it but you don't. 40min trip is nothing, your not the parent with custody, your not the parent she's living mainly with so preference will be who she lives with. Disability is no excuse these days sorry when it comes to your child, I have disabilities and had no problem when mine were younger travelling weekends 2 hours there and back to drop them at there dad's. If you really care about your relationship you won't put any roadblocks yourself tbh

AbbeyGailsParty · 27/10/2023 13:07

Where I live ( very rural) it’s common for kids to do a bus and a train journey to school and college. Kids adapt, 40 minutes bus travel isn’t much to a teenager. The best school for your daughter is what is important and parents have to fit in around school, after school activities and their friendships. The teenage years can be challenging so I’d concentrate on supporting your DD in her choices and making sure she knows you support her 100%.

coffeeaddict77 · 27/10/2023 13:10

Surely your ex should be choosing a school nearby and one that is good. It is too late to force anything now (even if you could) so you need to think about what you can do to stay in contact e.g. move nearer to whatever school she goes to or maybe to somewhere with a direct bus route. You could also think about changing the visits to every other weekend.

Bournetilly · 27/10/2023 13:12

Your DD is with your ex 5 nights per week, she will do 3 trips home to your ex (2 to you) and 4 trips to school from your exs (1 from your house) so it makes sense to go to the school closer to your exs house.
Which school is rated best and which is best for your daughter?
I don’t think a 40 min journey in high school is too much either.

Ponderingwindow · 27/10/2023 13:18

What research have you done into the quality of the schools, how well they match your child’s needs, and the odds of your child getting a place? Have you done any actual work or just looked and seen that some schools would be closer?

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:20

Myfabby · 27/10/2023 12:54

All before september with applications closing in a few days?

This is the criteria for offers in my borough

https://www.surreycc.gov.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0003/289632/Secondary-allocation-figures-September-2022-V1.pdf

good luck with 'forcing' anything.

Show quote history

Even if residency was 50/50, one address would still be the primary address for school applications. In a true 50/50 situation, parents agree which address between themselves. If they cannot, the LA will judge, taking into account things such as who gets the CB.

There isn't an option for 50/50 and split the difference on distance when you apply.

OP, I can only echo what other say - your DD lives primarily with her mum, therefore it is distance from that address that will matter in the application. All other factors are irrelevant for this particular issue.

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:22

"Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application?"

No, you cannot. Each child can only have one application from their main address.

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:23

Oh, and there is no benefit in completing the application before the deadline. All rank equally as long as they are not 'late' and lots of people do it in the October half term after having gone to school open evenings in Sept and Oct.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 27/10/2023 13:27

Sounds like your DD other parent is selecting a school that is better and more suitable for your DD. I don’t think your needs should be part of the thought process to be fair. If I was in their situation I would be the same.

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 13:29

weirdoboelady · 27/10/2023 12:42

Edited

That sounds bloody awful. No teenager should have to spend three hours travelling every day, especially just to go to a bog standard comprehensive whene there are plenty nearer her home. I had a job in a different county once that was an hour and a half's travel there and back, and I only lasted six months before I was totally fed up with it, and I got paid for that!

I bet this victim dad won't be paying for her transport either.

Zodfa · 27/10/2023 13:30

It sounds like your daughter - who is the most important person to consider - will have an average journey time to/from school of around 15 minutes (5 minutes seven times a week and 40 minutes the rest of the time). That is hardly unusual. Are there actually other schools which would allow her to spend less time travelling overall, considering she has to travel to school from both parents' houses?

HashtagShitShop · 27/10/2023 13:31

Your daughter is more likely to be placed in the ones nearest her mother's address as it is the resident parent address and there will be catchment areas for each school.

As you are not the resident parent, you living a distance away will make no difference to the decisions made for her school place.

My parents tried for two schools that were slightly further away but I was placed in one that was nearer to the house (the nearest secondary school) and they had to appeal like mad for me to get a different school as it was a bad reputation school back then with very low marks and well known for a lot of bullying (mid 90s).

SheilaFentiman · 27/10/2023 13:32

Zodfa · 27/10/2023 13:30

great post

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 13:34

Which school is best for DC? 30 mins travel is pretty normal for secondary school DC.

HermioneWeasley · 27/10/2023 13:36

lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 10:30

I appreciate what everyone is saying. However, my point with her going to a more central school was that it would be accessible from both homes.

Regarding friends. Absolutely, that it is very important. The current school choice means she wouldn't be going to the same secondary school as any of her primary school friends. Her primary school is actually in my area of the city (ex's choice - she was in a school more central between both homes before that but ex wanted to move her - that's a rabbit hole we could get lost down right now). I still don't expect her to go the secondary school in the same area if it will cause issues.

I do understand where people are coming from with thinking about myself, but I can only promise you all that's not the case. As I said, parental alienation is at play, and DD and I are currently maintaining a relationship only by a thread and with outside support. I am thinking about how this will make it easier for our relationship to be torn. If I didn't have such a genuine concern and with good reason considering what DD and I have both been put through already, I wouldn't be so worried. I want DD to have a healthy relationship with both parents, and so yes, that does include me, and why shouldn't it? Does DD not deserve both parents? I won't be responding to anymore accusations like this. DD and I are going through hell enough because of what my ex has been doing over the years. This isn't being bitter, it's a child and parent put under the constant threat of their relationship being torn apart. A quick Google search will explain what parental alienation is, just how severe it can become, and the things that need to be carefully considered in order for that to worsen. It is a form of abuse towards the child.

Parental alienation is a massively discredited theory used by abusive men to explain why their children don’t want to see them.

I am hugely suspicious of anyone claiming it.

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