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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Ex is applying for schools that will make it difficult for DD and me

217 replies

lonerdottierebel · 27/10/2023 09:37

Applications for secondary schools close on Tuesday 31st. My ex has custody and is leaving it until the last minute to make the application. They have purposefully been elusive about it, giving me tiny bits of information to make it look like they are involving me so that it appears that way to a judge (should it come to that), making it difficult for me to prove otherwise. This is a common tactic of theirs and is very frustrating. On top of that, the two schools she is favouring most (as is DD because she does whatever will make ex happy), are in locations that would make it very difficult for our daughter to come to me two nights a week as per court order.

A minimum of two buses is required with substantial walking between bus stops. A forty minute journey each way minimum. I have explained this to my ex who sees this as an opportunity to alienate me further, as we both know that DD, who although says that journey will be fine and although it's only three trips altogether (two back to mine, one to school), will soon tire of it, and when it gets to the school day ending, and she's tired, and the choice is between walking five minutes back to my ex's or making multiple walks and bus journeys to get to mine, she is going to choose the easy option, and could you blame her?

So, what can I do? I have tried being polite with my ex and I have tried being firm. It's on record that I have opposed her school choices and for fair reason. There are schools that more central with more direct and accessible bus routes to both ends of the city (I live one end, ex lives the other). I've reminded them that they are leaving it to the last minute. They know this but are doing it purposefully. I have contacted my solicitor who is on holiday.

In the meantime, what are my rights? I have PR, but not custody. Can I make an application myself listing more reasonably-located schools? If so, how does that affect my ex's application? And just looking for advice in general. I appreciate that as I don't have custody their might not be much I can do but thought it was worth asking around whilst my solicitor is away.

I should also add that for personal reasons I am physically unable to drive and taxis across town will quickly become too expensive to sustain. I have contacted the council about support with transport, but they only offer that to the resident parent. Otherwise, the children are expect to get a public bus. This is all new to me as I grow up in a more rural location with designated school buses that took us from our homes straight to the school gates. I didn't realise I'd been so privileged until now!

Lastly, there is has been an ongoing campaign to alienate me from DD since her birth. On a few occasions we have spent months apart from wedges that have been driven between us for no good reason and it has taken a lot of work to undo the damage. So please bare that in mind when responding. This is a continuation of that alienation.

OP posts:
Ceramiq · 27/10/2023 11:24

I have been in a similar situation to the one described in the OP. The first responsibility is to the child and her education. Spending 2 nights a week with another parent if that involves a lot of public transport is not realistic.

Gillypie23 · 27/10/2023 11:26

What's the reason you've not got shared custody. You're making it all about you. Of course she'll apply for a school near her home.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/10/2023 11:27

Oh Lordy, please don't come onto MN and try to mansplain parental alienation, a disputed term that many men use as a stick to beat abused women with.

Bluevelvetsofa · 27/10/2023 11:28

Schools are allocated according to their admission criteria. The primary criteria usually begin with SEND, LAC, siblings, distance. Faith schools will have other criteria included.

Theres no point in putting a preference for a school that is outside the catchment of the child’s main address and the address from which the application will be made.

Whether or not it’s convenient to you and whether or not you are able to drive doesn’t feature in the allocation.

You seem to think OP, that you can choose a school as you choose apples in the supermarket. You can’t. As a PP said, you express a preference and if that preference fulfils the criteria, a place is offered. People frequently talk about choosing schools. You’re really not choosing, you’re selecting which you prefer. Clearly your ex and daughter are expressing a preference based on what meets the criteria, based on where they live.

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 11:29

The other consideration, OP, is that from next year, or at least age 13, it will be up to your dd where she lives. She could choose to come and live with you, and change schools.

If your daughter is 'a child put under the constant threat of their relationship being torn apart' she will be able to make the choice to move for herself.

Until then, I think you'll have to make the best of it because the school system just isn't set up to accommodate what you suggest. Adopt breezy good grace and try to make it work.

JoanOfAllTrades · 27/10/2023 11:30

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:00

Why does he have primary custody?

How do you deduce that the father has custody?

“I have opposed her school choices”

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 11:30

So she's picking the school option that is nearest her home? That is clearly the sensible option.

You're opposing this because it's inconvenient for YOU. Nothing to do with what's best for your daughter.

You'll have to find the money to fork out for those taxis.

Pugdays · 27/10/2023 11:33

Don't you want what is best for DD
Obviously it is best she goes to school 5 minutes from home .
So she can have an actual life outside school ,and not spend hours traveling

Viviennemary · 27/10/2023 11:35

I would stop paying maintenance if I thought the other person was being deliberately awkward and spiteful.

Myfabby · 27/10/2023 11:39

Viviennemary · 27/10/2023 11:35

I would stop paying maintenance if I thought the other person was being deliberately awkward and spiteful.

You would stop supporting your child. Wow. I've read it all now.

Singleandproud · 27/10/2023 11:39

@Viviennemary and that would make you a twat who compromises their child's standard of living on a pay-per-view whim.

The mother may not be right but the other parent still needs to contribute.

Maatandosiris · 27/10/2023 11:40

I’m sorry but the following points are the ones that matter:

  1. which school is the better fit for DD
  2. it sounds like a school 5 min walk would be good (depending where she lives this might be the only option anyway - catchment is the only available school round here).
  3. having local friends in secondary school is v important- these are likely to be near friends in secondary anyway
  4. its important to have time after school for after school clubs/homework - this will be easier in a local school.

Maybe look at moving yourself nearer your DD. Unfortunately for you, as friendships take over she will want to spend more time with them so living nearer you DD will have Benefits there. If you were closer and thought more about what was good for your DD (your post is all about you not about your DDs best interests at all) then no one could alienate you.

LostThestral · 27/10/2023 11:40

why can't she come to you 2 nights a week on the weekend? problem solved

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 11:43

All the onus is on the poor kid to maintain a relationship with her father. He chose to live across town, and can't drive, and so he wants her to make all the running in their relationship - and massively inconvenience herself by going to a school that's near his house instead of her own, even though it'll mean a long bus ride every day for her, which also costs money (that I doubt he is offering to pay). I know from bitter experience - with my own father when I was a teen, who also had a huge victim complex post-divorce - that being forced to put all the effort in AND also made to feel guilty all the time completely destroys any chance of having a good father-daughter relationship. I expect this will fall on deaf ears though, it usually does.

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 11:44

Myfabby · 27/10/2023 11:39

You would stop supporting your child. Wow. I've read it all now.

Show quote history

TBF lots of fathers have this mentality. Mine never paid a penny in CM.

thismummydrinksgin · 27/10/2023 11:45

What's the best school for your daughter? That's what I would ask. Where will her friends go and which will be easier on a daily basis.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/10/2023 11:46

If she’s with you 2 nights and with your ex 5 nights surely it’s better for the school to be nearer them and not you?

MangoBabyMango · 27/10/2023 11:46

Viviennemary · 27/10/2023 11:35

I would stop paying maintenance if I thought the other person was being deliberately awkward and spiteful.

I'm sure you would!! 😂We know the type manbaby

thismummydrinksgin · 27/10/2023 11:46

Also she may not be successful in gaining a place at the central school.

Myfabby · 27/10/2023 11:46

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 11:43

All the onus is on the poor kid to maintain a relationship with her father. He chose to live across town, and can't drive, and so he wants her to make all the running in their relationship - and massively inconvenience herself by going to a school that's near his house instead of her own, even though it'll mean a long bus ride every day for her, which also costs money (that I doubt he is offering to pay). I know from bitter experience - with my own father when I was a teen, who also had a huge victim complex post-divorce - that being forced to put all the effort in AND also made to feel guilty all the time completely destroys any chance of having a good father-daughter relationship. I expect this will fall on deaf ears though, it usually does.

the poor kid and the ex he disparages every chance he gets.
@lonerdottierebel

this was you looking for advice about to manage your DD's gifts

am also getting very concerned as to what this could be doing to DD's mental state. My ex doesn't have the best set of genes shall we say, and raising DD is a daily challenge to bring her up in a way in which she doesn't take on my ex's negative traits. The last thing I need is her 'becoming spoilt' added to the list. I really don't want her growing up feeling entitled like my ex.

You also mentioned off handedly in a post re ear piercings, that your ex 'looks' bi.

Good luck with maintaining any contact with your DD once she's old enough.

MangoBabyMango · 27/10/2023 11:48

am also getting very concerned as to what this could be doing to DD's mental state. My ex doesn't have the best set of genes shall we say, and raising DD is a daily challenge to bring her up in a way in which she doesn't take on my ex's negative traits. The last thing I need is her 'becoming spoilt' added to the list. I really don't want her growing up feeling entitled like my ex.

Not the best of genes. Oh dear Lord. Is this a troll?

cansu · 27/10/2023 11:49

Your relationship with your dd will be damaged if you take this to court whether you win or not. The only way this could be sorted out is if your dd agrees with you. First look at what you are likely to get in. It is pointless wanting a school that she might not get due to distance in any case. I would then talk to her kindly about the pros and cons of each choice. Listen to her and if she hasn't thought about it include distance from your home in the list of pros and cons.
Let her voice what she thinks is the best option looking at the pros and cons and be prepared for her to disagree with you.

You say that there is parental alienation at play. If so it is essential that your dd sees you as a calm and empathetic parent who listens to her and who does not put her in the middle of you and your ex. Making demands and going through court will cause stress and inevitable tension. Is this really what you want? The court will also maybe look at issues such as local friends and clubs etc. Consider whether even if parental alienation is at play, the local school could still be the best for your dd even if it isn't best for you. If the deadline to apply is soon, there may also not be time for the lengthy legal battle.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 11:51

Viviennemary · 27/10/2023 11:35

I would stop paying maintenance if I thought the other person was being deliberately awkward and spiteful.

Op has admitted his ex moved their child to a primary nearer to him than her, sounds like the mother considers which school is best for their daughter ( as both parents should ) over how convenient it is travel wise for mum or dad.

Dad's top priority is whether the school location is the most convenient for him and him alone.

MangoBabyMango · 27/10/2023 11:53

If OP describe his ex partner and the mother of his child as not having the best of genes we know enough about what kind of father and person he is. I wish his daughter and her mother all the best and hope that the young girl will go to the school she wants and will thrive there. All too soon, she will want to stop having anything to do with the man who got her mother pregnant.

HarpieDuJour · 27/10/2023 11:54

This kind of thread makes me really uncomfortable. Assuming it isn't just a troll thread, it still isn't really about the issue of which school the child should go to. It's about trying to start a pile-on about the awful ex, possibly so it can be used as a stick to beat her with. And validating the OP's own behaviour, of course.

There is something odd about a man who comes to a site used mainly by women and invites them to criticise his ex's behaviour. It doesn't feel like it's done in good faith, at all.

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