11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

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It's different kind of learning to classroom stuff hence all the tutoring.

@declutteringmymind I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean?

I completely understand it's a different style of learning, but as an example, this morning we were looking at a question that needed knowledge of a formula to complete. I asked him if he'd been taught that formula yet, he said no. I said, well then that's completely understandable you struggled with that question then, no worries - I explained the formula he understood it and said " that's great now you know the formula, you'll know what to do the next time a similar question comes up"
This is what started the tears. What the hell?!?

It just sounds like it’s all too much for him at the moment can you take a break until the summer holidays?

We don’t have the 11+ here but how is it September? Does that mean he still has a whole year left in primary?

If he is that capable he is able to pass why does he need the tutoring? This does not sound healthy for him at all, take the pressure off

@Kingdedede yes, he's in year 5 currently, will sit the exam in September of year 6. This is the standard process

I would read back your post and then really think hard about what you’re doing here. You are completely focused on yourself and what you want. If he needs this much coaching then grammar school is not right for him. Why are you so desperate for him to go to grammar? I’d be concerned if you were teaching my child. I can’t believe every child you teach achieves above average. Children are humans and not machines. I’ve a child in a grammar and non selective. There is zero nurturing in grammar. You leave as you enter. If enter in the bottom streams it’s where you leave. In the other school you are nurtured from bottom to top if you are able. I wish my grammar school child had also gone to the non selective. I tried to move them but couldn’t get a place. Be careful what you wish for.

We had a 2 week break recently. He's fine with tutor. Just seems to resent me

Thank you, so most children will actually be 10 then, interesting, just out of interest how clever do children have to be, what % of a class would pass?

For some kids parents might not be the best tutor, even yourself is the teacher with a lot of experience you can't take away the emotional bonding and so does your son. I would say do not be to be too emotional stress and just keep this in mind.

Poor lad, when does he get to be a kid?

Agree with @Roomonthedustpan There's a lot of 'I' and 'me' in your post.

Perhaps leave the tutor to tutor him and you to mum him? It sounds like you are super anxious about the whole process and you probably focus on it more than you realise and more than he wants you to.

Retired primary teacher here. Really, it sounds as if he's overwhelmed by the whole thing. It would be better to take the pressure off and let him decide himself if and when he wants to do the work. I would include tutoring in that. Fine if he wants to, but it needs to be his own decision.
Getting to a grammar school is good but it's not the only educational route. Do you have a good comprehensive school in the area?

What are you trying to achieve?

Its OK to feel slighted by your DC, it’s hard for driving instructors to teach their own dc to drive because the dynamic is different (for example). Your Dc isn’t knocking your professional experience or skills. You are just his mum…

All the 11+ she uff is massively alien to me and I’m not really sure of the point of it but if it’s stressing you out to this extent I’d wonder if it’s worth it.

I do get the feeling of wanting them to succeed - this year in our house with one doing a levels and one GCSEs it’s been ridiculously hard. BUT that’s all been based on the DC wanting very specific grades for specific life paths and working really hard to get them. And I also have a 10 year old DC who spends all their time playing out, playing Lego, reading, playing Minecraft, learning their music and doing gymnastics etc who looks at the teenagers studying like crazy with horror. They declare they don’t want to be a teenager because of all the work. They wouldn’t manage to study as you describe with that kind of pressure, and I wouldn’t make them, so it doesn’t surprise me you are feeling the strain.

If your child needs a 1:1 tutor for almost two years prior to the exam in order to pass, then how the hell do you think they’ll manage in the actual school?

Poor boy. This is the problem with the 11 plus system in a nutshell. If someone needs extensive coaching to get through the exam, what is the point of doing it?

He’s completely overwhelmed. As a parent and a teacher you should see this. Leave him alone now. He’s been tutored 1:2 for months. You’re complaining about the cost and the effort. Leave it now. If he’s going to pass he’s going to pass. Ruining his summer holidays and then no doubt his yr 6 if he doesn’t pass, will result in mental health problems. He already sound close to breakdown. A child in my son’s school took his life this year. A girl in another local school did too. Take the pressure off parents. It’s not worth this.

You know how you, and all your colleagues, feel at this point in the school year? Snappy, knackered, running on empty? He probably feels the same. It’s not you, it’s just ‘everything’. It’s hot, school is busy, tutoring is hard work. Over the summer you can split the time up, and won’t be having to contend with homework too.

Go out for an ice cream today, sit in the garden if you have one.

Goodness, the poor boy sounds like he has an awful lot of pressure and expectation placed on him... are you sure this is what he wants as opposed to what you want? You're going over school work with him on a Saturday... in addition to the tutoring he gets, and the school hours themselves... how much down time is he getting? I've had two go through this stage to go to grammar and we didn't put in those hours, a bit of extra revision but no tutoring. If they'd needed tutoring we certainly wouldn't have been doing additional work on a Saturday with them.

Also: His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

Is this what is making you frustrated? Does he find his father 'utterly useless?'

DS and I massively fell out when I was tutoring him (and that was for A Level, and he'd asked me to do it). I think it's hard tutoring your own child.

It sounds like your DC is doing a lot. Surely he must be pretty well prepared by now and you can back off - maybe let him lead the pace a bit more?

Exactly this. One of my kids is in a grammar. Just completed GCSEs. Some in his year failed, as in Us many of their mocks. If they’ve made up the grades to a 5 pass it will be a miracle I guess. You can want your child to be in a grammar for your social status but the damage you will do that child is immeasurable. Grammars are for kids that can self motivate and basically teach themselves. It’s tough. My child has hated it. My child in a non selective has thrived because learning is more teachers nurtured. The myth that all grammar school kids do well needs to be dispelled.

I work in a grammar school and this is part of the problem - absolutely everyone has tutoring to get through the exam, so if op didn’t her son would be at a disadvantage. There is a lower entrance score for pupil premium pupils but generally it is not a level playing field. I’m honestly not sure it’s worth all the extra pressure and stress on kids, many of whom won’t get in despite being very bright because it’s so competitive. I would suggest your son took a break op. If he is taking the exam in September then you have probably done everything you can to prepare him for the exam and he’s better recharging over the summer.

How long have you been working with him? I worked with both of mine from year 4, my eldest used to get upset because I was strict but by the end we had a strong bond (he's still grateful I was mean).

If working together isn't working, why not let him do it independently for a week and see if he works better or appreciate your support.