11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

why on earth has he had all this tutoring and not even in year 6 yet? it's overkill! leave him alone and let him be a little boy. i can't believe the 11+ even still exists!

I'm in NI where thr vast majority of kids do the 11 plus, the approach that most parents i know took was to let the teachers teach, let the tutors tutor and let parents just be parents.

We treated it as no different to any other type of homework, ie off you go and do it and and shout if you are stuck with something. Left tutor work to the tutor, they did a test at home and went through it with the tutor, had a notebook to write any questions for the tutor during the week. We didn't go through them at home.

We took our role as protecting them through it, so we didn't really talk about it at all at home, didn't focus on any score or where they might go to, just kept everything low key. On the day just focused on going in and doing your best, and if it wasn't enough on that day, as long as you walk out knowing you gave it your best shot, then you hold your head high no matter the outcome.

Its a horrible process so wish you all the best with it.

@jojo2202 because they take the exam in 2 week of September in Year 6. Bit late to tutor after the exam really.

Ah OP you sound so stressed and upset. For what it’s worth you sound like a great parent and that you’re trying your best for your son.

It sounds from what you’ve said that the whole situation has become stressful for both of you. I believe you when you say you don’t put pressure on him but kids absorb the message from the community they live in which schools are seen as good and which aren’t. He will have absorbed this from school/peers (I’m an ex primary teacher so I know they all talk about this in Y4/5/6 and I wonder if he’s putting the pressure on himself based on his knowledge of schools? I wonder if he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place?

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady whatever happens if he has a supportive home life he'll
Be fine, OP. We ran from a grammar area because it was so pressurised. Ended up in a comp area with at best average provision. In fact shortly after my youngest left the school got put into special measures. Despite this one went to Cambridge and the other to Durham. Both are well adjusted, working adults.
The atmosphere around Tiffin entrance in SW London was awful. Parents would keep tutoring a secret in many cases, denying their kids had any. Yet the kids would accidentally divulge they had been tutored since Y4!! Just awful

Maybe he doesn’t appreciate the positivity because it doesn’t acknowledge the work is hard?

I mean finding things hard but not giving up is a hard lesson.

You both sound a bit wrung out.

No. She absolutely was not lying. We don't have the sort of relationship where we lie to each other.

Leave it to the tutor.

TBH you're probably confusing the hell out of him tutoring in a different way to her. Every tutor's worst nightmare tbh, parents getting over involved.

You're paying her to do a job. You said she was good and came recommended.

You leave her to it. Simples.

And as you both say, he's bright enough. If he is, he will get in. That's it.

If he's not, he'll drown whilst he's there anyway.

My mother put me through extensive tutoring for the 11+ and I was so overwhelmed and simply anxious over it that I also had a meltdown. I really didn’t want to do it in the end and ended up in a bog standard comp even though I passed the test. Think about it from his side.

I think your positivity around the formula -“you’ll know what to do next time” - is possibly difficult for him. Yet another thing for him to learn and master. And what if he doesn’t know what to do next time? What if he forgets? Or gets confused? It is a pressure on him, even if you don’t mean it that way. I would back off and leave it to the tutor. You do the parenting. That’s your job -being his mum.

I did this with DS1 (although no tutor).
I'd leave it now until the summer holidays, then do the prep alternate days in the morning for an hour or so, before going out to do something fun.

My dc sat the 11+ in sept year 6 (and independent school 11+ in the January). They had two terms of tutoring one hour a week to work on exam technique as they were sitting 2 diff grammar school exams and 4 diff independent schools. The eighteen months of tutoring you describe, at that level, is an awful lot and would suggest that 11+ might be a stretch - or that that tutoring will need to continue all the way through secondary in order to keep up with a grammar cohort if they get in.

For 18 months though???? so in year 4???? 1-2 terms is enough. What are you going to start with in year 6? gcse tutoring?

I wish it was as easy as him going to a good comprehensive. I'd want nothing more. I'd give anything to be able to move house closer (I'm only talking half a mile further down the road for it to make a difference)to the good schools, but I simply cannot afford it, no matter how hard I try. The average house prices in the catchment of the 2 good comprehensives are around 350,000, how can I do that on one wage?? A teacher's wage.

I'm just trying my best to give him as many advantages as possible in this situation. I feel stuck and like I'm failing him.

I can't really move well out of the area, away from all his friends, my family and support network. What else can I do? I'm genuinely asking.
DS is already statistically at a disadvantage coming from a single parent family, I just want him to have every opportunity to succeed. And going to the dreadful school down the road where the kids all smoke weed on the walk home is not going to give him that.

This is utter nonsense. I didn't tutor, or did I pay a tutor for my elder two DC, the vast majority of their peers did not have additional tutoring at 11+ age either. Tutoring is less prevalent in general here. My thoughts are ultimately that if a child needs additional tutoring, then they'll struggle with the demands of grammar school. When my friends tell me their DC didn't have a tutor either I believe them...

DS has just completed his first year at Oxbridge (got a first in his exams) he got in to a superselective grammar school from the wait list. We did a practice paper (5 days a week) from Easter year 5 until the exam. If he wants a shot at a place he will need to work over this summer.

Tutoring since some topics not covered. Exam techniques not covered and needs to be done.
Summer holiday is time to do a bit during weekdays but set up fun time.
Maybe not be too positive but really acknowledge his hard work and effort. Mention that all this is for good standing for secondary school and whatever the outcome of 11+ it is all good.

This poor poor boy. It's hot, he's 10, it's end of June, he's done a full year at school - and you want him to be hard at the grindstone? Back off! If he passes, he passes, if he doesn't, plenty of kids who didn't go to grammar school go on to excel. Sounds like it's more what you want rather than what is right for him.

He is more than capable of most of the work itself it's mainly the things he hasn't encountered before, some of which I know for certain he wouldn't in school until after the exam. Exam technique is also important. It's completely different to anything they've encountered before at school.

I don't know. I feel like I need someone to take control of all if this for me because I think I'm just making a mess of it.

No, not at the grindstone. We do half an hour max a day.

It’s really really hard to be a teacher to your own kids. DH is a brilliant teacher but DD will not listen to a word he says.

Back off and leave it to the tutor. And the debate about the inherent wrongs in our education system is worth having but probably on another thread.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady i really feel for you. I have been through this twice. It nearly broke me both times. I totally get that your ds wants to do it but js finding it hard. Just take one day at a time. Maybe step away from trying to help him but just provide him structure to do the work set by the tutor until he asks for help again. We used to say die thing like help will be available between x and y times it’s up to you if you want it. And yes lots of people don’t realise that it’s based on year 6 maths curriculum and that the vr and nvr simply requires exposure to be able to do it. Being tutored does not mean they won’t cope when they are there. Both my dds got their first choice and have thrived there. They would definitely say it was worth it even though there were some very hard moments with each of them. Hang in there and if he wants to go to a particular school in the long run he will be so grateful you has e hk. This opportunity. I’ve just been through simultaneous a level and GCSEs wi th mine and honestly I still wonder whether prepping for the 11+ was so much harder because it was me that had to decide how much work to do or not do and to try and motivate them. Hang in there and don’t listen to the pp who simply don’t get it.

How else can I back off? I am literally doing everything everyone has suggested already, Please, please read the thread.

Personally I think it’s all too much-tutoring, additional homework every night. It’s the end of the school year and he’s tired. I’d stop the study during the week, do a bit at the weekend until the summer holidays and then pick it up again. I’d guess he got upset with your comment because of the implication that he’ll be able to remember air and apply it next time. What if he can’t? You might not mean to put pressure on him, you might truly have his interests at heart about the secondary school but you’re obviously very invested in him going and he will know that and feel pressure whatever you say to him. If perhaps have some back up plans. As a teacher moving area should be possible if the comp is really that bad (generally there’s a mix of children in every school). I don’t really believe in tutoring but at least you’re up front about it, many parents just pretend they don’t but the reality has become that it’s hard to get in without some tutoring

Wow that is 7/8 years ago