11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

OP the 11+ is a traumatic process for lots of us - how he is behaving with you is nothing to do with your skills as a teacher - it’s simply a child sounding off at his closest parent because it’s pressured and scary and he’s old enough to know just how important it is for his future . I’ve gone through this twice and had all sorts of angst with both my boys ( two very different kids- one passed easily and one didn’t ) . Let your tutor do their job and cover the things he is shaky not you and make sure he is having a couple of days a week off from tutoring for the benefit of both of you !

@Thethingswedoforlove thank you for your post. It really seems that many people commenting have no idea of the content of the exam.

Thank you to everyone who has read my posts properly and offered some great advice, I'm taking it all in, I really am.

In response to those saying take a step back, I generally do and he gets on with it without my help for the majority - it's just that the corrections for the practise tests, his tutor has specifically asked me to go through them with him, so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Sorry, I can't remember which poster said it should be possible to move schools, do you mean if the school isn't suitable? I know there's waiting lists etc, I'm just struggling I guess with the responsibility of all of it on my own and the uncertainty is extra stress I just don't need.

Thank you again to those who've offered constructive, positive advice, it really means a lot x

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady maybe for now just tell the tutor that it hasn’t been possible to go through the corrections and can they do it? Your ds will prob be more amenable to you doing it again in a few weeks.

Neither of my two were tutored, DD in Year 7 Grammar and DS starts in grammar in September.

My DD2 will not be able to pass the exam, sure I could get her tutored so she could gain entry but it's pointless if I know she can't keep up the work. I don't agree with tutoring for the 11+ at all.

So
he’s at full time school ,with homework
he’s got a tutor ,who gives him homework
and your working with him to ,each night after school
kids going to hit a wall here ,dig his heels in and refuse,and to be honest I wouldn’t blame him.
we all want the best for our kids…but that is a lot of pressure

I do know the content of the exam papers, they are tough but teaching someone to pass an exam is different to actually being able to pass. Grammar can be harsh environment, those I know who have been heavily tutored really struggle.

You said he gets a LOT of homework. Is that half an hour a day on top of any work he gets from school? I think half an hour a day is too much, though.

In the area where majority of the students get in with similar or same level of "intensive" tutoring, you won't have the problem of not keeping up in grammar.

He barely gets any homework from school. Online mathletics once a week that he completes in about 5 minutes and spellings that he breezes through and doesn't need to practice. We don't do half an hour every day, as I can't physically manage is with my work load too. I'd say probably 4-5 days out of 7

I suppose the ideal solution is moving out a grammar area and getting away from such a toxic system. How close to the border of a more sane LEA are you?

Aside from the content of the exams (mainly maths) not being taught until much later, I'd love to know how many naturally bright children would even know where to begin in answering questions like these without at least exposure to them. DS has been taught the technique and can now do them with ease. Children will not have encountered anything like this during year 5 at school. If no one was tutored to at least teach them the technique we'd have pretty empty grammar schools.

Did you help your child at home? Do familiarisation papers?

So you're telling me your friend did absolutely no work with her child to help them? No familiarisation papers, nothing? As I said, you don't need a tutor to have a tutored child. Not many children are prepped as intensely as OPs son.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady
I've 3 degrees including a doctorate and I wouldn't know where to start with that!

I've recently been through 11+ with dd. She had a tutor for a year, as did most in her class. Despite being an ex teacher, I can't teach her. We're too close. I had to take a massive step back. I think it's normal for them to go through waves of emotions. I'd just continue being supportive and encouraging without being pushy.

It's just kids and parents. My husband supported Dd through her 11+ more than I did and she was vile to him! Don't take it personally. Leave it to the tutor he'll be much nicer to her!

So leave it up yo the tutor you're paying for. As a teacher you should understand that kids do better with teachers they're not living with,be Mum.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady

How's he doing on the practice papers he's doing?

9 years ago DS sat the exam in Sept 2014.

My dds were tutored precisely because of the type of question you shared op. They haven’t struggled at all. Quite the opppsite.

I live probably half a mile further out than I need to be to be sure of a good chance for the good schools. It is a ridiculous area for schools, with insane house prices because of the schools. Frankly, the way things are financially I couldn't afford to actually go through the process of moving anyway, I'm already on the bones of my arse now paying an extra 200 on my mortgage (in a cheaper area) because of rates rises.

Really? You have 3 degrees and you wouldn't know where to start with it? It is logic and patterns.

The VR, NVR, and coding and logic style questions he's doing well, around 85-90%
It's the maths that's coming in a bit lower, which upon closer inspection is almost always because he's not been taught that actual maths yet, or it's completely new to him because it's year 6 curriculum content

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady OK- next question. Is it a super selective you're aiming for or a pass mark and in?

But would a 10 year old? Completely cold? Put in front of them? Never seen it before in their lives?
Enough to get in the high 80s/90%?

Some, I'm sure would be able to. But enough to fill an average sized grammar school? Don't be silly.

Some exposure and being taught the process? Definitely.