11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

It's not a super selective, just a selective state grammar

So you're telling me your friend did absolutely no work with her child to help them? No familiarisation papers, nothing? As I said, you don't need a tutor to have a tutored child. Not many children are prepped as intensely as OPs son

Yes, that's what I'm 'telling you' because that's what happened. I've never seen a grammar school entrance exam so I don't know why this is so unbelievably stunning.

"I'd love to know how many naturally bright children would even know where to begin in answering questions like these without at least exposure to them."

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady

It is pointless to explain what it is to those who haven't got a clue what this is about in MN.

There is only 2 months to go, ignore those negative comments and focus those constructive ones.

Good that your DCs hardwork got rewarded!

I was replying to the person saying they had three degrees and couldn't see the pattern.
For an academic 10 yr old, I think a number of familiarisation sessions would be enough. However, I agree that VR and NVR tests are absurd to include in entrance tests because the child's performance can be improved by practice - hence the tutoring arms-race. I am based in SW London and the super-selective grammars here no longer include these, instead focusing on maths and english and making clear that children are not expected to have covered more than the curriculum. Doesn't stop the crazy tutoring of course...but at least children aren't doing absurd VR/NVR tests for an hour a day!

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady So it's pass and catchment, not competitive? What was the pass mark last year? Because if you're talking an ordinary Kent grammar, for example, those scores would easily hit the pass mark.

Thank you, I definitely will xxx
Again, thank you to everyone who's offered some fantastic advice, it's truly appreciated, particularly when I was really struggling earlier today.
DS is playing out on his bike with his friends in the sun, the terrible taskmaster that I am...
And I'm having a glass of wine while I write reports and a script for my class assembly 😂

I know I’m missing the point of the thread, but have been able to work out the process for the first 3 codes but not the last one (HUGE = JYMM). Just wondering if anyone can help me out!

And SW kids start practicing maths and English more an hour a day instead.

Aw the 11+ system is so awful! DD failed the 11+. I knew it was wrong and that she should have passed. She went to a comprehensive. She was very happy there and did extremely well. She got virtually all 9s in her GCSEs and 4 * Astar in her A Levels. Now doing a masters degree at a top uni.

But yes, as PPs have said, you can normally only pass if you have been tutored up to your eyeballs. Such a stupid and unfair system!

It's probably what's called a "mirror code" if that helps ☺️

I'm going through the 11+ for the second time. 30 mins a night does sound a lot if in addition to his tutoring and other school work.

How about reducing your sessions to twice a week or doing 10 min tests instead?

Also it might just be a difficult dynamic. 11+ prep with DD1 was HELL. With DD2 there is far less drama. She just gets on with it.

If your child needs that much tutoring / homework to get through the 11+, they're probably not grammar school material.

What a miserable 5/7 years he'll have ahead of him if he has to put in this level of work to keep up with his peers.

Run a couple of practice papers, go to the mock so they can experience test conditions and then enter them to sit the tests. If they pass - great! If not they go to the alternative school where they'll probably thrive and be free of the pressure.

My problem is, his tutor stars pages in the books she'd like him to complete for the next week, so I feel obliged to do them and that I'm being judged for being lax if it's not done 😬

I'm seeing lots of misinformed answers about the 11+ process. It's not the same for people who did it 20 years ago...or even 15 years ago. Much much more competitive now. You really do have to prepare - anyone who says their child got in without even looking at a practice paper is talking nonsense. (Or maybe they child got in years and years ago where it was still possible to do this). It also depends on which part of the country you are in. It's incredibly competitive in London.

Op, it's the dynamic. Mum and child dynamic. It's really difficult to teach your own child. Not your fault at all.

Honestly at this stage I'd back off and leave it to the tutor and his self motivation, unless he wants something explained.

You're the one paying for the tutor. You can say "DC is finding the volume of work a bit too much; can you set less and just target it to cover areas he needs most practice in?". Whilst you say nothing, she's going to assume it's all fine.

And, if she's as good and honest as you say she is, if she thinks he won't pass unless he does a certain volume of work, she should state this.

Good point, well made ☺️
As a teacher, I think I've been a bit institutionalised to just say "ok then" to everything and battle on. But yes, I'll be more assertive and address it. Thank you.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady I'm wondering whether a different tutor would be more helpful?

I have a DS at a grammar, we didn't get a tutor (but our journey is very different and only decided on grammar around may/June time- missed the application deadline for one 😂).

Going back to tutor- I'm wondering whether he needs a different style to help? Or a different setting? Centres like Kip McGrath maybe? I would probably give him a break, allow him to recharge.
Do you know if it is GL exam or CEM? The only thing I'd do, closer to the exam, is go through the past papers, maybe even time them. So he has an idea of what it'll be like.
We didn't get a tutor, but because I had no idea what VR and NVR was I did get hold of past paper packs to let DS work through those during the summer. To give him (and me!) an idea of what it entailed.
I'm sure your DS will do well

I agrée you should pause the tutoring. DS had tutoring throughout year 5. ( not to specifically pass the test but to improve English and maths) and he stopped in the June. Did absolutely nothing over the holidays and passed in the September.

If your DS is good enough to pass then he will.

As a teacher yourself, don’t you think you should just let him work at his own level? If he can pass well, why does he need a tutor? Are you going to pressure him to achieve maximum scores on everything for the rest of his school career? What about uni, will you force him to have tutors then? Maybe he doesn’t mind his tutor like you say, or maybe you have normalised this so much he doesn’t know it is not normal. Even the title of your thread sounds hysterical. What will you do if he doesn’t pass as well as you’d hoped? Will it “kill you”? What message are you sending him about his worth? Listen to your son and his words and his actions and body language.

I’m not saying he is average (you make it very clear he is highly capable), but people need to allow their children to just be average if that’s what they are. Children are allowed to just be “quite good” or “reasonably competent” at things.

Seems he just probably is not interested in this thing at all and even though you are positive, he just wants a life?

I asked him if he'd been taught that formula yet, he said no.I explained the formula he understood it and said " that's great now you know the formula, you'll know what to do the next time a similar question comes up"
This is what started the tears. What the hell?!?

Jesus christ, call yourself a teacher? When you teach children something new, they don't instantly grasp and faultlessly apply it.

First you work some examples together; reminding them the process; inviting the children to suggest/contribute; no pressure on them.

Then you give them some very easy examples to practise; their mistakes show the teacher what the child hasn't quite understood and what needs to be shown and explained again, and perhaps repeated several times.

Explain, practice, reinforce; try again.

You never, ever say to a tired and struggling child "Right, I've shown you how to do this so now you can do it for ever." Piling on the expectations and pressure. Bullying.

our own son told you " he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."
I'm telling you, you're a godawful teacher.

They take the 11+ at the very beginning of year 6