11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

I think it depends on the child. Some thrive in stressful situations others don't. DH is the former as is DS. They get bored if they are too relaxed. I used to be like them but not anymore. I like stability.

DS sat the test yesterday. It's done! 🙌

@yumumsun believe me I am well aware that this situation is not ideal and I wish more than anything there was a good comprehensive my son could attend.

As I stated earlier, there's at least 3 excellent comps 'near' us, but their catchments are tiny. Last year he wouldn't have got into any of them.
I can't afford to move. Our stones throw comp is awful. It just is. I have enough information to know this for a fact. And it pisses me off massively that I work bloody hard to pay a mortgage on an inflated house price, for "living in an area with good schools" except he probably won't get into any of them.
He is a bright boy and I'm sure would do well at a good comprehensive but I'm very worried I won't get him into one. I might but the alternative just isn't an alternative.

So, grammar threw in another option. I am aware, however that the system is absolute shit, tutors should not be necessary (but they really ARE for many reasons discussed in depth on this thread) and it has essentially become a discounted private school system - you need to be able to afford an expensive tutor. So NO children from disadvantaged backgrounds will ever be able to have the chance attend a grammar now.
How shit is that?
I'm on a teacher's wage as a single parent so I'm far from flush, but I went without clothes for me/treats etc to pay for it. I do accept I'm lucky that I can even do that.

I cried my eyes out as he walked into the building (obviously he didn't see this) because I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He looked so tiny, especially compared to the boys who'd already turned 11. I really wish that he didn't have to do it. I felt bloody awful.

He came out smiling! Said it was easier than the mocks he'd been doing and didn't seem fazed at all. He's obviously relieved it's all over and I'm so proud of him for having the courage to do it.

Sorry, this isn't all aimed at the poster I mentioned 😂
I just felt like I had to get all that out.

Tl.dr: I know it's a crap system, I wish DS didn't have to be tutored and I wish there was a decent comp close by.
I did what I thought was best.

The thing is @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady if your DS is bright he will almost certainly be fine. I'll get slated for saying this! But both my children went to the (only) local comp - no grammars and wasn't goi g to go private. The comp actually got put into special measures just after they left. Yet they literally aced every exam - one went to durham, the other to Cambridge, and they both are doing what they want to be doing as twenty somethings. They werent alone either. One of DS's contemporaries has just started work as a professor at Stamford following undergrad and post grad at Oxford. He was the son of a fisherman. Like
My kids, just bright and a bit driven. So don't panic if your son doesn't get in. I'll get shouted at but bright kids can do well in bad comps. And they love being top of the tree!

But nice to hear everything calmed down and your son seems happy. Above anything else that's great!

We are due for another war so the current values will be shredded and new thinking will emerge

Fingers crossed you get the result he needs OP.

What you should do is listen to him and back off. He's clearly upset because he is stressed out and under too much pressure. A tutor for 18 months is too much! 18 months is a huge period of a child's life. My son sat it and in preparation we worked on his weaker area , creative writing, for around 30 mins a week for 6 weeks in the run up to it. We did just enough of looking at past papers for him to get a feel for them. Even then I felt as though I still didn't want to put him under undue pressure. In exchange for him spending time looking at past papers, we just ignored homework requests from his primary school during that period. Most of the homework was rather pointless for him anyway. Just don't get caught up in the pressure. I'm sure that he will do well wherever he ends up.

^AlwaysReadyNeverSteady* my child is from a disadvantaged background but failed 11 plus. It is hard to take. I hope your child got through. It sounds as though you threw everything at it.

I did not tutor enough. I thought my child would be that one who was bright. I got group tuition but I don't think it worked.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady I guess your DS may have had his result by now. I hope he did well, but that whatever happens you and he are proud of his efforts.

We got DDs test results this morning she got ranked group b so not guaranteed a place .

I am not disappointed in the slightest and proud of her for even attempting it . It’s probably not the school for her since speaking to her afterwards , has her heart set on another school so fingers crossed for that one .

I hope your son did well OP and good luck to all others waiting for results !

"I cried my eyes out as he walked into the building (obviously he didn't see this) because I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He looked so tiny, especially compared to the boys who'd already turned 11. I really wish that he didn't have to do it. I felt bloody awful.

He came out smiling! Said it was easier than the mocks he'd been doing and didn't seem fazed at all. He's obviously relieved it's all over and I'm so proud of him for having the courage to do it."

OP, I felt the same when DC walked with his dad to queue outside the school in that early autumn morning. I felt so emotional so I let DH take DC to make the queue, while I stayed in the car waiting for DH to return.

After the second round, when I picked up DC, I told him honestly that I felt wanting to cry, because we worked so hard for two years and I felt immensely proud of him. (He told me, "Don't. You need to drive properly! 😂)

He had a sudden phase of maturity in the last stretch of that journey, when he finally decided to take on the responsibility on his own shoulder - I refused to push him any longer and I needed him to make up his mind what he really want, as the last few hundred metres before the finish line were so bloodily hard... But he wanted go to this school thanks to the inspirating environment he saw in the opening day.

The transformation from a child to a responsible young person was astonishing within a few weeks.

We got the result today. Still have to wait till March, as the result doesn't constitute an offer. But the result was a positive one and I feel so proud of him. But even before we got the result, as a parent, I have to say the 11+ preparation process has produced more than just a final score or one result. It made him a completely different person. He learned the value of hardworking and he knows for fact that as long as he put his efforts in and work hard, he can do better each time. It's invaluable. He learned that at the most anxious moment, what he needed to focus was himself, not to compete, nor to compare, but purely to be responsible to himself. It made such a difference in the exam days.

I know some would criticise two years were too much for a child at this age. I agree it's not a journey that everyone would take. But both DH and I grew up in an environment that we know how important hardworking is to life. If purely based on "talent" or "intelligence" that someone was born with, how is that fairer? A person can't decide how smart they are, but they can decide how much efforts they would put in working towards their goals. Isn't that what matters the most in life?

OP, hope your DC has received positive result and get in his preferred school. X

Just to clarify in case someone jump on me, DC had carried on with all his after school clubs throughout as well as weekend outings; only had to sacrifice his weekends in the few months leading up to the exams. ..

Did he pass? Fingers crossed you get your preferred school

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady how did your son get on? Do you now need to go through a school selection process?

Fingers crossed 🤞🏻 your son got the desired results

If your child needs this much tutoring to get him to pass then he shouldn't be sitting the test. Grammars are for top % of kids. They start teaching from day 1 from higher level than non selective schools as assume if got in you know the basics. So children crammed to get in struggle from day 1. Grammar school Daughter tells me that quite a few in year group won't be invited to stay for 6th form as scoring 2 and 3 on mock GCSEs as cannot keep up. Grammars do 11 or 12 GCSEs as norm and are expected to get 6-9 grades (with 6s frowned upon TBH). Crammed kids better to go to non selective school where all kids are supported and they are expected to take 9 GCSEs and taught at a pace can keep up with. I know of several children crammed yo get in who then have tutors for several subjects throughout years 7-11 to keep up. Just not worth it. People missing the point of grammars. They are to stretch the more naturally able.

@emmagow13 I think you'll find that the vast, vast majority of kids are heavily tutored. Maybe your grandchild was too, but you weren't told about it. Many parents don't admit to it!

So glad they don’t need to do 11+ around here. I think it’s horrible that children have to be tutored to “pass” a test.
When I took my 11+ back in the 70s I didn’t even know I was taking it! Everyone took it. I know now that I passed, but it was academic, because the grammar school my parents wanted me to go to, ceased to be one when I started there!

This happened to my husband! Took the 11+, passed, and entered a comprehensive. Great timing! Still went to Oxford and got a PhD though, so had no fear of his own children succeeding at a comprehensive.

Nope.
My child and def not tutored 🤷

@emmagow13 well done your daughter then. But my knowledge of grammar entry is from the Tiffin area 15 or so years ago, and genuinely, tutoring was on an industrial scale. I can't see it'll be any better now.
I actually agree the system must let in some weak candidates. In fact one of DS's friends was tutored for two years and failed to get first choice uni and got let into insurance on compromised grades. From looking like a high flier at 11 he certainly wasn't by 18.

@emmagow13 do you actually have a child in grammar?

1. there are no grade 2 and 3. 4 is lowest then a U

2. 6th form entry is on actual grades, not mocks

3. lots of children do ‘poorly’ in mocks. My son’s school was extremely tight with marking. My son’s actual results were at least one grade up. They did to put a rocket up them!

4. the Bucks test is near on impossible to pass without any tutoring. The children need to learn how to answer the questions, especially non verbal reasoning. They also need to
   understand exam timing.

5. not all that glitters is gold. The teaching at my son’s grammar school is patchy at best. It’s a top 15 ‘outstanding’ state school and all I can say is god help children in lower ranking schools.

6. I would say the GCSE and A level results are not down to the teaching. Tutoring is needed to get children up to standard. Post Covid, maths and sciences remaining well below parr and dhows in my son’s cohort.

7. grammars/parents lead you to believe the children only get 8s & 9s and 6s, which are Bs are poor. Not one child who didn’t have a Spanish speaking parent got more than a 6. The number of Us was, I thought, unbelievable.

8. About 20% don’t qualify for 6th form. You could hand pick most of these. They’re the ones taking teenage life by the horns. There was no way one of my neighbours boys was getting back in. He was never home. Always drinking. There’s a time snd a place.

9. GCSE curriculums mostly kill subjects. My son started grammar an avid reader. He finished the lady English lit paper and swore he’d never read a book again. He was initially going to do English, geography and history A levels. A combination of the teachers and curriculum put an end to this.

10. the reality is, a child at 11, however bright and promising is not the child at 16 or 18. My son did well in his GCSEs. He could have done better. A levels will be the same. Naturally bright kid. He’s also a naturally lazy kid. Lots are 🤷‍♀️

Which county 11+?

You are incorrect on point 1. The grading system is 1-9, with U sitting below this. You are confusing higher tier GCSE qualifications with the overall GCSE system.

1. grammars/parents lead you to believe the children only get 8s & 9s and 6s, which are Bs are poor. Not one child who didn’t have a Spanish speaking parent got more than a 6. The number of Us was, I thought, unbelievable.

Times must have changed. Ten and 12 years ago my children managed A stars (in old money) easily in French despite not having french speaking parents. That anecdote @Roomonthedustpan is shocking. I mean why bother taking a language in that case? No wonder so few do.