11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

It all sounds too much. dd is at grammar and I didn’t push that hard because it needs to be a much more organic process to cope with it

every night is too much give him some space

Exactly this. He’s at primary school. Football, swimming, lolling, not school work. They’re only children for a short time. He’ll burn out. Lose any interest in studying. My parents used to force us to read books. My brother hasn’t read a book since he left school. He links reading to a challenging time. He still says, it was more important to them that he read than was happy. He’s since been diagnosed as dyslexic. My parents didn’t think to look at why he was a reluctant reader. Funnily enough, through sheer tenacity and character, he has a far better and more senior job than either of my parents had. They focused on the wrong success factors.

@Roomonthedustpan You'd be concerned if I was teaching your child? How rude. I didn't say every child achieves above national expectations, I accidentally omitted the word 'some'. The only reason I referenced my children at school achieving well was to support the point that I'm able at what I do. I don't need to be a dragon to achieve good results. I'm very aware that children are not machines. I am a very calm, empathetic teacher.

I'm also very aware that the comps where I live aren't great. I'm aware that a cannot move to be closer to better schools because I cannot afford it. I'm a single parent. I just want to give my child the best opportunities I possibly can.

Are you aware that a proportion of the 11+ isn't taught in schools until after the test date? If they haven't been exposed to some of the elements, it doesn't matter how bright they are. They wouldn't know where to start.

So, thanks for the judgement when I already feel shit.

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady does your DS want to sit the 11+? And attend the school that passing this would (I assume) get him into. Only asking as my son did not want to sit it, which we honoured he is a highly intelligent now adult at oxbridge uni, but did not want to travel to our nearest grammar school, leave his friends and the ability to walk to and from school.

A very sensible and measured response.

Trouble is it's probably an arms race in OP's area. I bet they're all at it tutoring for years on end.
Stupid system.

OP you need to step away and leave it as a transaction between your child and the tutor.

The tutoring around the 11+ needs to stop across the board.
I passed the eleven plus with a very high score , top 1% of those who took it that year. I'd never even seen a practice paper, both my parents left school at 14 with no formal qualifications and I went to a small bog standard primary school. Children who are aggressively coached to pass will either drown at Grammar or need another seven years of intensive tutoring to keep up. That's no life for a child.
Let him be if he passes great, if he doesn't he'll be fine.
I didn't end up going to a grammar because we moved at the end of year six to a non-grammar area. I ended up in a poor/middling standard comp in a pretty rough area. I still did well. If a child is bright, they are bright.

You omitted “some.” I’m also a single parent. I get it. I have teenagers. I get it. Their dad is absent - physically, emotionally and financially. I get it. I work full time. I get it.

I also know that pushing a child into grammar school will do them more harm than good. I’ve seen it.

You posted in the public domain, asking for responses. I gave mine.

Atom learning is an online platform that teaches and assesses for 11+, and benchmarks them against other aiming for each school.

I’m just not sure it’s worth it. Especially as I don’t know anyone under 50 who has taken an 11+ exam. I didn’t and went to a very good school, my DC didn’t and they go to “grammar” schools. I’m guessing it’s a whole different system?

He wants to do it. He loves the school. I have assured him endless times that it doesn't matter whether he passes or not. It matters to me because of the alternatives, however he has no idea I feel this way. I have assured him that it will all be great, whatever the outcome. I have asked him many, many times if he still wants to do it and it is his choice. He tells me he wants to. Repeatedly.

He is a perfectly normal child. He plays out in the cul-de-sac with his friends most nights, the work set by his tutor takes a maximum of 30 minutes. He has sleepovers here at home with his friends once a month. He does activities, swimming etc, we regularly have days out, we do fun things every weekend.
He's like any other child.

No, he does not know his father is useless. I am always positive about his father to him and have NEVER EVER spoken badly about him in front of him. Because I'm not a shit parent. I welcome him into my home, we chat normally and my son has no clue there is anything amiss.

I think I'm going to step away from this thread now.

Mainly because his friend is coming round to play for the afternoon shortly. But also because I now feel absolutely terrible.

Are you aware that a proportion of the 11+ isn't taught in schools until after the test date? If they haven't been exposed to some of the elements, it doesn't matter how bright they are. They wouldn't know where to start.

I didn't know that. I genuinely thought it was a test that anyone could do if they were clever enough.

I only know one person who lives in a grammar school area and her child got in without tutoring. She has always come across as bright as a button though.

Exactly this. It was 12+ when I took it. There was an extra class in our middle school in yr6. They all went to the grammar. A few from the other two classes. The extra class was in place before the test. I wonder if it was more teacher selected then. I didn’t pass. Went to a very average secondary. Very average 6th form. V good uni and have had a successful career. Not all the girls who went to the grammar even got into uni. It was less of a free for all. I’ve one child at the grammar and one not, the non grammar is a better all round school. The grammar wants results for its reputation, not the kids well-being. This is the system here. Increasing numbers are opting out of the 11+. This is interesting to see. Ultimately, your secondary school has minimal baring on future success. There are kids in my grammar child’s year on a fast track to nowhere. In my child’s non selective with places at Oxford, Durham and St Andrews 🤷‍♀️

Take a huge step back. Give him the materials and leave him to it.
He should pass in any event if Grammar school is right for him.
Reassure him that all will be fine if he doesn't pass and you will love him just the same. Demonstrate this to him.

To reiterate, I ask him regularly if this is something he still wants to do, assuring him that it is his choice and his answer is always the same.

So please, please can some posters stop implying that I am cruelly pressurising him. I absolutely am not.

He wants to do it. He loves the school. I have assured him endless times that it doesn't matter whether he passes or not. It matters to me because of the alternatives, however he has no idea I feel this way. I have assured him that it will all be great, whatever the outcome. I have asked him many, many times if he still wants to do it and it is his choice. He tells me he wants to. Repeatedly.

You may be well educated in teaching but clearly not in psychology. It’s likely that your son is aware of how much you want him to pass and therefore saying ‘no I don’t want to do this,’ will inevitably lead to your disappointment which he would not want to do.
I think it sounds like he’s feeling the pressure hence the emotional meltdown. I would take a break completely for a couple weeks.

I'm afraid in MN you will mostly get crushed, try elevenplusexams forum perhaps you will get a more positive response.

And as I said up thread. We have at the conversation many times - that doesn't matter AT ALL if he doesn't pass. I love him unconditionally whatever the outcome and everything will be absolutely fine.

Do you live in an "11 plus area", where approx 25% of children go to grammar schools, e.g. Kent? If so, there are no "comps" since comprehensive schools take children of all abilities, including the high achieving. I am asking because I am trying to understand your options. You say you can't move for better schools because you can't afford it. But the vast majority of the country doesn't have the grammar/secondary modern school system any more so you could move areas for schools which are truly comprehensive. I have a "high-achieving" Y11 DD at a comprehensive and honestly can't see how or why her school experience would have been better at a grammar school. I'm also a single mum so I appreciate how hard it is doing this by yourself - please don't think I am dismissing your desire for him to go to the grammar school. I am just asking if it is that important in the overall scheme of things given how upset it is making him.

I can understand this though. He's probably thinking I've forgotten the formula but mum is all positive so I'm just going to disappoint her if I own up that I've forgotten/will forget. She's saying it's completely understandable because I haven't been taught it, but is it also completely understandable if I have been taught it but can't remember.
I think your method doesn't really work for your kid. You need to acknowledge to him that this sucks and it's not easy, and this formula is hard, you might forget it in the exam and that's ok. The alternative schools are fine, don't stress. That sort of thing. You might have already done this but it sounds like your son needs a lot more of it.
He really won't do well in the actual test if he's stressing so much over it as his mind will go blank.
I second the atom learning suggestions.

i would allow your son to take control.

he should be able to choose to continue preparing for the exam, or stop preparing for the exam.

if he wants to continue preparing, he should be able to say whether he wants to continue with the tutor, or whether he wants to switch to an online platform like atom (which is excellent btw)

whatever his preparation approach he should be able to set his own timetable so he can structure his approach.

you can offer advice but it’s not your exam, it’s his.

As a teacher, you know what makes the difference in outcome, right?

Assuming the desired outcome is a healthy successful well rounded adult.

Clue: not the 11 plus

This!

I'm a secondary school teacher. Every year we get lots of students who got very good SAT results because of all the 1:1 tutoring. They end up in the top set of everything with very high expectations for GCSE and A Levels

It's putting a huge pressure on secondary school teachers as if they don't achieve as expected it is somehow our fault.

It is also very frustrating for students as every year they are going to be told they are working below expectations.

Depends on which area what grammar schools. In some area 11+ it is unlikely to get it if not properly prepared despite super bright. It is a level playing field problem as pp pointed out.

Non verbal reasoning technique isn’t taught. Maths and vocabulary is. Non verbal reasoning practice books can be bought in WH Smith’s etc. Verbal reasoning is essentially vocab and comprehension and maths is… maths! Reading fiction and non fiction is good practice. Even comics.