11+ is going to ruin me

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Hi, sorry if this is garbled, I've had a very emotionally fraught morning.

DS is due to sit 11+ this September. He has had a 1:1 tutor for around 18 months. She comes very well recommended and is known for being upfront with parents if she thinks their child might not be quite right for the process/test. She assures me he is able enough.

He's been doing well across all areas, although slightly less so on the maths. He has a LOT of homework which I try to spread out across the week, so we're only doing a couple of (set pages) of books a night and the corrections for practise tests he'd done to previous week with tutor.

Its not always been easy to get him to focus after school, which I do understand as he works hard at school too, but we get through it. Lately he has been so emotional about it and I've apparently just got to the bottom of why... Sat with him this morning, going through corrections of test he'd sat last week. Just burst into tears, beside himself, wouldn't tell me why... Gave him some space and afterwards he told me it's because he doesn't like the way I explain things to him and that I'm "too positive."

For context, I've been a primary school teacher for 14 years. I know how to teach children and what works for different children. My kids at school always achieve well, above national expectations and I've never had any complaints about my teaching style. I never get frustrated with him, am supportive and encouraging and always try to approach the work with a positive attitude, explaining misconceptions patiently.
I'm a single parent and work full time teaching, so to be completely honest it's a massive slog for me to keep motivated and positive for him doing all this by myself. His father is utterly useless and does NONE of the work with him.

I just don't know what to do. This whole process is killing me, I am utterly exhausted. Hearing what he said has just knocked me for six. All this money and time I've invested and endless motivation when I've been on my knees after hard days at work. And I've upset him.

I'm sad and confused and I don't know what to do. I have asked him multiple times if it's because he doesn't want to carry on and he always says he doesn't want to give up.

What do I do?

Are you in a super-selective area OP?

I hear you! We live in an 11+ area and the years leading up to the test are absolute torture for kids and parents. It’s not an option not to tutor as nearly all kids are and therefore not to tutor is seriously disadvantaging your child. And it is impossible to tutor your own children (I have 2 DC in grammar), even sitting doing the homework with them is torture. I have tutored a few other kids too and their attitude is definitely different to tutoring your own.

My best advice is do little and often over the holidays, keep on top of mental maths, if he’s borderline don’t choose a top performing grammar (they do vary) as you’re more likely to win an appeal if he doesn’t qualify.

@MarigoldGlove Your friend was probably lying. Not having a tutor doesn't equal not being tutored. Most people say they didn't tutor but did it themselves. OPs son is being intensely tutored, this is very different to normal tutoring.

Then they do their GCSE mocks and all hell breaks out. Why no 9s? Why no 5s!!! Err. Because!

@BlueMediterranean Yup and than you get criticised as a school for your progress 8. Pressure from SLT etc. Shame the parents stopped tutoring at the very useless SATS level and didn't bother in the much more important GCSEs.

Yes!

Far far too much pressure for a child. Perhaps he doesn't want to give up because he senses that it's your dream, or that you have told him what a good school he will get to go to etc. He will have had almost two years of coaching/tutoring. Can you remember how long two years seems to a child? If he needs that much coaching, then it's not the right place for him. My son applied to a grammar school and several others all of which required passing tests and doing interviews etc. He's very quiet and his weakness is creative writing. We spent an hour a week for 6 weeks confidence building by looking at examples of the types of questions he would get, coming up with ways to answer them more easily and we watched a five min YouTube video on how to do an interview (just a general one and not school related). That was all it took to familiarise him and just give him that little confidence boost. He passed all his exams and got several offers. I also didn't make him do any homework from school. Just ease off a bit. Also don't be hard on yourself. It doesn't matter that you are a teacher or supportive. Teaching your own child is an altogether different experience.

If your child doesn't cope well with the pressure now perhaps they will find it even worse in an academic grammar school with 15-20 hours of homework a week, plus after school clubs - it's a grind. Give him a break.

Does he have other activities and interests outside school, like a sport, a hobby, a club? When does he get to switch off and just be?

It sounds as though his whole life is bound up at the moment with learning and academia and tutoring, and, frankly I think he is beginning to resent it and the intrusion in his life . Be careful , he also might be starting to think that the only thing you value about him is his learning and passing the damn 11 + which as far as he can see is going to be the focus in the family for the next 14 months. Back off, let him relax.

As a teacher you should know that the very worst psychological markers for a child to be unable to learn are having a need to achieve ( which you are pushing hard) and a fear of failure ( worrying that he won’t fulfil your expectations).

Wrong. Some of the maths isn't taught in year 6 until after the exam.

He goes to the tutor for an hour a week.

I'm in an area where it's touch and go if we'd get into the schools that are back up. Just go to cross my fingers. The one we are definitely in catchment for is awful. Absolutely no way he'd go there.

Are some posters wilfully ignoring what I've said in order to reinforce the point that I'm putting undue pressure in him? I mentioned up thread all the activities he does. His life is not based around academia at all. He has plenty of fun and downtime.

It also seems some posters are insistent that I have instilled in him a fear of letting me down. From the get go, it was HIS CHOICE to want to go to the school. HIS CHOICE to keep up with tutoring. I have constantly told him he can do it or not, that it doesn't matter to me if he passes or not. I have never discussed my misgivings about the alternatives with him. Ever.

It’s not his fault that you have chosen to live close to a school that is so awful you don’t want him to go there, but it now sounds as though you are putting the pressure on him to solve this poor planning on your part by passing the 11 + and getting you out of this dilemma. Does he hear you talk about this school negatively, does he hear you say this is why he needs to pass the exam?

I wonder if your positivity (which has the best of intentions) actually feels pressurising to him. I say this having had similar experience with my parents saying things like “you’ll be fine” and “you always do well” and “you know all the stuff” and me really feeling I didn’t but that it wasn’t ok to fail because they clearly believed in me and wanted it so much. Not sure if that explains it but a level of “relentless” positivity might mean he feels he can’t say he’s worried about it or feels too much pressure on him. Even if he says it’s ok, he might feel that’s what he HAS to say.

I think posters are responding to your OP where you said "he has a LOT of homework". Which paints the picture that he's under a lot of pressure to do a LOT.

You sound like a lovely mum and a good teacher.

The 11+ system puts pressure on children to perform. You can’t avoid that if you live in an area where access to good schools = passing the test. Even thought your DS’ tutor thinks he’s capable of passing and you’ve said you don’t care about the result, your DS is under pressure. He’s not stupid - he knows that a pass is better than a fail, that you’re paying a tutor to prepare him for the test and that it will determine which school he goes to. The fact that he’s capable of passing means that he carries that weight of expectation.

You’ve offered him the chance to pull out of the test/tutoring and he’s said no. You’re doing everything right. The only other thing you could do, which might link in with his comment about you being ‘too positive’, is give him a space to talk about how he’s feeling without trying to ‘fix’ it. If he’s feeling frightened, anxious, under pressure etc let him say that without jumping in to offer him an out or telling him you don’t care about the result. Listen, give him a hug. Getting the feelings out can help. Reassure him that it’s a totally normal reaction.

Read the posts for goodness sake.

@viques Poor planning?? Fuck off. I chose what I could reasonably afford to pay a mortgage on when his father decided to walk out. As he was 2 years old, the choice was also related to being close to a good primary. I'm immensely proud that I achieved that on my own.

If you've watched the news lately you'll be aware that most of us are fucked financially. I can't afford to move because the country is in financial fucking chaos. Not because I planned poorly. Fuck off.

And no, I have never spoken about the other schools unfavourably. Read the thread.

Ow, touched a nerve? You have had time to think about secondary school catchment for a number of years, and I don’t for a moment believe that you have never slagged off the nearest school to friends, neighbours or relatives within his hearing, and judging by your choice language you wouldn’t have held back either.

Children can be anxious about things that they want to do. Starting a new school, going on a residential school trip, trying a new activity. It doesn’t mean that pulling them out is the right option.

Go slow and make sure you don’t come across too pushy and speedy. For my daughter someone here recommended issuing small amount of vouchers ( Mac Donald meal, panini etc) for not repeating the same mistakes as she went on to do her practice tests. All test papers scored above 85% added £2 to her pocket money and it worked for us. I am glad she got in the grammar school and it’s amazing and children have so many opportunities , societies and clubs and I don’t have to pay for anything. Good luck 🤞

Thank you to those who've had some helpful advice without sticking the boot in. It's much appreciated. I think I'd rather stop it altogether to be honest, but then I feel like I'm going against his wishes because he says he wants to do it.
I said to him earlier if he doesn't want to carry on, it's absolutely fine and just to let me know, but he said he wants to.

In all other areas we are extremely close. We have a beautiful relationship full of fun and affection. He talks to me about everything. It's just this that is the issue.

Wish I'd never posted. I'm now questioning my whole approach to parenting.

I think this is good advice.

If he's getting on fine with the
tutor, but is finding it difficult with you, then I think the obvious thing to do is just leave him to it. If, as you say, he's motivated to continue, then he will be able to manage with just the tutor's help

@viques are your comprehension skills ok?

I can't afford to move to be close to better schools. Never have been able to. Unless a magical unicorn drops £80,000 into my back garden it's not happening.

And yes, you do hit a nerve because your post was unnecessarily nasty. So don't be surprised if I respond in kind.

You’re doing the best you can for your DS and you’re not pushing him into something he doesn’t want to do. That sounds like good parenting to me. In an ideal world we’d all have good, safe schools within walking distance that would automatically admit all DC in the catchment. In the real world, we make the best of what we’ve got to work with.

Ignore the contrary fuckers.