Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

How unhelpful and unkind.

Throwing things off a shopping centre roof could have killed someone, as could messing about on train tracks, and indeed taking a knife into school. Saying it's not directed at anyone and is silly behaviour seems to be minimising quite a bit!

In prison for a coulda woulda shoulda. Get a grip. She is trying to help him and asking for advice. She's not saying what he's done is right. Your nasty retort was unhelpful

I didn't want to read and run.

I hope you find a way through this. Good luck to all of you.

Hi. You could look at a Study Programme or Traineeship for him. I would absolutely let him have some structured times away from formalised education while his new meds kick in though. Ignore anyone who says he has to e in education. Tho it will cancel your Child Benefit if he is not.
I hope things calm down for him, and you!

I'd be strongly looking at adhd as well as asd for your boy. The lack of impulse control along with anxiety and no thought of consequences fits.

Apprenticeships? Volunteering ? What has he been studying, did he move school/college for sixth form ? He could restart year 12 next September but it may not be easy to find a place which suits him.

He didn't throw things on to a railway track. He trespassed on one. Stupid but thankfully stupidity isn't a criminal offence or you would be in prison too. Try reading what was actually said and not what you made up.

OP, my friends sone did the same, and he had no excuses. Stupid peer group stuff and got himself expelled from sixth form. His "final" infraction was stuffing everyone's gloves down a toilet!!! I think stupidity in boys in inbuilt around the age of 17 anyway!

I would agree - take a year out to get through this, but NO lazing around. Time for a hard life lesson. Get a job - whether you like the job or not - and charge rent. It doesn't have to cover all his costs, but be enough to teach a few vaulable lessons like "money goes on bills before pleasures" and "crappy jobs don't pay enough" and "there's a point to studying". That's what happened with my friend sons, and it was the making of him - when he went back to college is was head down, then off to university and he has never looked back. A mixture of tough love and support can do wonders.

A shopping trolley off a roof landing on someone could have seriously hurt or killed them. Running onto train tracks is pal lain stupidity. Describing these as 'silly' is minimising it and irresponsible parenting.

His behaviour is unacceptable. Stop making excuses like he’s had it tough.

My son 'nearly' got kicked out of sixth form twice. Ended up with two U's and a D so it was a total waste of the schools time. It's not necessarily a bad thing getting kicked out even if it feels it right now. My son is now doing an apprenticeship which suits him much better. He even admits that the routine of working each day is better for him and he is doing well. Obviously you have other issues to deal with as well but maybe being out of school might be a good thing. I would encourage him to find something else rather than just having time off if you can

Is there something else going on too? That level of impulsive behaviour isn't normal in a 16 yo. ADHD springs to mind, especially with the delayed puberty.

What does he want to do later on in life? Go on from there.
If he's interested in engineering for example, he can look at a BTEC, he'll need to do maths A level to get into a decent university, so if he didn't get the grade to do that, he could consider re-doing GCSE maths and then going onto A level.

Ultimately though, if he can't behave properly, you can't leave him alone with friends, he's going to end up seriously injuring himself or someone else. You need to significantly increase the level of supervision he's getting.

Too much gaming doesn't help either. Both of my boys would spend hours on the pc gaming if they could. The compromise is that they do an activities after school some days - sports based are best, but it could be swimming, or gym if he's not keen on team based sports (my 16yo plays badminton, does fencing and goes to the gym for example). Then they can have some pc time after homework.

Hope it all works out.

Lots of boys like this benefit from hard physical work to burn off their energy, give them focus and a bit of pride in a job well done. If it is outside, so much the better. I would be looking to get him a job on a construction site, or something like prop-moving, putting up and taking down marquees (might be the wrong season for that), landscape gardening/treecare, etc. He can earn decent money and learn some skills, tire himself out so he has no inclination to carry out any more antisocial behaviour, grow up and think about his future plans.
Otherwise he will pretty soon be in the courts for criminal damage/carrying a blade in a public place/aggravated trespass etc.

Make him get a job and pay rent! Pay his own phone contract and extras too.
Once he is mature enough you can consider studying again.

How about an apprenticeship. There's loads of different ones look on the government website and see what interests him

So what repercussions are you as parents giving him for these behaviours? People aren't 'arseholes' because they don't see-
-trespassing on train tracks
-throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof

• significant vandalism

-taking a knife into school as just 'silly'.

Unhelpful, unkind and inaccurate.

The first step I think for you @JaNath is to stop minimising what is going on - your son is behavingly in very serious ways and your OP is littered with reasons why it is not that bad.

What he does next in terms of education is not an issue - you need to focus on getting a lot more help for the underlying issues (very hard in our broken system at the moment, due to all the Tory cuts).

He should 100% have been expelled when he took a knife into school. As a parent with children at secondary school, I feel absolutely sick that this could happen and the school would allow him to continue.

It's an instant expulsion here, as it should be. There have been multiple stabbings in my area.

Your posts are full of excuses for him and you are rude and unpleasant to posters who are rightfully horrified by his behaviour, as I'm sure you will be to me now too, but I don't care.

You seem to think his behaviour is just a bit naughty and that his ASD is relevant. It's horrific, dangerous and criminal. And it's not going to get any better while you keep making excuses and attacking others who call it out.

I'd say the priority is his health and well being. Is it possible to get him some support from home and a voluntary job in a charity. It sounds like he has no self regulation or impulse control. Is there any bipolar in the family. Mentioning this because SSRI drugs are known to trigger mania which your sons behaviour has the hallmarks of. Try to take the time to build a secure new bond with him and focus on getting him away from whoever is egging him on. Animal work can be self regulating for social emotional issues.

Let him have a rest. Treat it as a break for his mental and physical health. Build in some structured activities slowly. Prioritise his mental health and emotional progression above any educational or employment related progression right now. That can come later.

Learn more and more about how being autistic affects him. The replies you have so far are very much based on how you would parent a neurotypical teenager. Your DS isn’t (maybe get this moved to SN board where you will get some more realistic and empathic advice?)

The part time job 20/30 week sounds totally unrealistic. He doesn’t sound anywhere mature enough or ready for that responsibility, as he didn’t for A-levels which you probably knew deep down, but just didn’t want to see really and wanted to keep him ‘on track’.

Get an ADHD assessment booked in, medication might help with the impulsive control.

Are there any forest school programmes near you that he can access? Call your GP and see what it available through social prescribing.

Also, I wholeheartedly agree with this.