Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

Agree with PP’s sorry. Your tone is very much minimising his behaviour. Was there any punishment, it was this left
to school? Childish means they act like younger children. That’s not just what this is. ASD is no excuse.

Perhaps an apprenticeship, but those are very competitive and they have the choice of trainees at the moment. Could he do a college course on video game development, channel his interest positively?

Your posts are full of excuses for him and you are rude and unpleasant to posters who are rightfully horrified by his behaviour,

no they aren't. They list the reasons behind his behaviour, that isn't the same as making excuses. Also, the OP has responded once when another poster went OTT about something that never happened so no, she hasn't been "rude and unpleasant to posters who are rightfully horrified by his behaviour".

I am not an expert at any of this but a large group of boys at my school behaved like this, some of them bright with masses of potential. What seemed to help them (the ones who didn't get into further trouble) later in life was the structure of some sort of employment.

I broadly agree with this tbh.

It does sound like you're trying to minimise his behaviour OP. You may not even realise you're doing this.

Look into education/training by all means (taking the rest of the academic year to sort it is probably wise) but your absolute priority at present needs to be his behaviour.

People may have been straight with you but they haven't been arseholes I don't think. What your DS has been doing could very well have killed someone and it's sheer luck really that it hasn't.

Just also saw that he is under CAMHS. That is great news, have you asked them for advice on next steps?

He sounds out of control. If he were my son, I'd be looking at something very structured for him, like the armed forces.

I am not surprised it has come to this op.

You have minimised throughout the thread, his actions beforehand were entirely unacceptable. What happened at home when you were informed of his antisocial behaviour? And the knife at school? What did you say and do the first time this happened?

I would take him for a tour of a prison, I would sit him down with a willing convicted prisoner for a chat about prison life, and I would tell him this is precisely where he will end up in less than twelve months unless he stops this behaviour immediately. I would pull him out of his friendship group, cut ties with the school and get him enrolled on to on line school with the help of some tutors to help him pass his A levels and then have a serious discussion about his future. College, university conversations.

I would for sure enrol him in a gym and work out the anger and the energy in a more positive way, martial arts something a long those lines. I would find a male mentor if his father isn't up to it, to really guide him and advise him - someone he respects already ideally.

You have to take control of his behaviour and future right now before it is too late. I believe there are also charities available for early intervention

What @BloodAndFire said.

and, the OP told a poster whose opinion she didn’t like to “learn to read properly”. There’s no need for that.

I’m surprised that a poster subsequently suggested that the OP’s son should be rewarded for his behaviour by being babied and sent to work with underprivileged puppies (‘animal care can be self-regulating’).

We have never "minimised" the seriousness of the things he has done, rather the opposite. If I'd posted about everything we had done over the years you'd still be reading it now. Thanks to all who have replied constructively. For those trolling before 9am on a Tuesday at people with serious issues for their children, I have no words at all.

'Silly things'
'Always with others'
'He's had it really tough'
'None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else'
'Only took a knife in because he was being bullied'
'Friendships have been hard'

It's a litany of excuses with no responsibility taken, and no appreciation of how bad these 'silly things' are.

There are teenage boys being stabbed regularly. Taking a knife into school isn't 'silly' nor is it defensible.

The op came back once to the thread, to say that she expected everyone who answered to be 'arseholes' and that her 'expectations had been met'.

Apples, trees...

Does he have an EHCP? A full assessment may help to establish what is going on with him and what would help.

Putting aside the details, I think he needs to be busy and supervised while you wait for the hormones to kick in. Others are right, in his current state he is a danger to himself and others. Sorry.

If friendships are difficult for him, that makes him easily pressured into doing stupid stuff. You need to keep him so busy he is away from his 'friends'

Can you find an apprenticeship where he is supervised one to one? Perhaps a skilled manual job such as plumbing or plant husbandry. Or structured activities such as volunteering on a scheme.

For those trolling before 9am on a Tuesday at people with serious issues for their children, I have no words at all.

So anyone who disagrees with you is trolling? That explains a lot about the events you’ve described.

Sadly I think the op's attitude as shown consistently through this thread explains a lot.

I also think you are minimising his behaviour. It's not 'silly'. How much knife crime stems from people trying to 'prove' themselves to others? A lot. It escalates from there.

He will be aware on some level.that you are minimising his behaviour, and that will have an impact somewhere along the line.

Maybe an apprenticeship if you can get him on one. I have worked with a lot of apprentices and they seem to really step up to the responsibility of work.

Yes, just what the army needs, another out of control person

This is an 18th century solution, no longer appropriate. The OP's son has an active MH condition and in under CAMHS.

Is he receiving any medical or psychological help?

Do you give him consequences for his behaviour?

Honestly, he sounds quite dangerous both to himself and to everyone around him. Is he violent at home?

Taking a knife into school? Throwing things off a roof and smashing windows? And you call it 'silly'? You are really minimising how serious this is.

@Venetiaparties

What an intelligent answer

(Not sure how you would arrange it but maybe ask around i.e. start with the local police, local probation office or even directly to the local prison. Laugh if you like but gotta start somewhere.)

It must be so nice to be so theoretically wonderful at parenting.

A list of those helpful charities would be good for the OP.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time here, it sounds tough. Neverthelss, the 3 incidents you stated are extremely serious, even in the context of ASD. I have a friend who is a train driver and has killed someone who was messing on the tracks. It has destroyed him, his family and his career...
I can see you've already reached out for help from CAMHS, but as others have suggested, maybe investigate ADHD.
As for what to do now, he's probably burned his bridges pretty much when it comes to finding a school that will take him. So yes to a job (if he's not in education he needs to be working[ and paying rent - actions have consequences. He may be able to get an apprenticeship, but he'd need to work hard to keep it, so needs to address his other issues first.

Rest of the year away from formal education definitely. This will

• let him grow physically and mentally
• give him time to appreciate education. He must not throw his chance away.
• maybe give him time to get counselling as well as start the hormone therapy.

Sounds like the school were right to expel him. He's currently in no fit state to be in an educational setting. He needs to understand this before he returns.

Hope it works out for you both.

OP I would ask for this to be moved to SN. You boy needs help (which is not to absolve him of responsibility btw). He sounds like ADHD with possible PDA profile to his autism. He is obviously overwhelmed by something.

fwiw I’ve also been told my DS should be in prison. (Although no idiot has suggested a “tour” FFS. ) He’s five.

It might be unhelpful and unkind but it’s the truth. Would you be saying the same if the shopping trolley thrown from a car park roof landed on you or your child.
As for carrying knives, my son was robbed by someone with a knife and has never been the same since. He has lost his trust in people, is wary about going out and has become fairly reclusive for a 20 year old.