Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

Society hopes you get a handle on this so I wish you well.

I would say a job or apprenticeship would be best purely so he's surrounded by more adults rather then teenagers who will hopefully have a good influence on him and help him mature.

I think they were two separate incidents.
OP I think your plan going forward is a good one. A hands on college course in practical subject might suit him better, a modern apprenticeship?

Ooof, sounds really tough OP. Your poor boy. Agree with others that he sounds very ADHD. ADHDers are often 3-6 years behind their peers in terms of maturity. ADHD medication should assist in impulse control and I would look at other strategies - such as good diet, loads of exercise, routine and structure - to assist in the meantime. Joining a gym / martial arts - something to keep his busy mind occupied would assist. Could he tutor younger kids maybe? Would help build self-esteem.

The nuclear option to look into is Risperidone. Our paediatrician recommended it for our autistic son as a last resort. It can work well as a mood stabiliser. We didn't end up needing it for now. Regular psychology sessions would also be a huge support.

Have camhs ever suggested ADHD aswell as ASD. What do you think? Medication for ADHD aswell? Chase them up for starters.

I agree. Get it moved to the SN section.

Is he still under a Paed for hormone and delayed puberty aswell. When are you seeing them next? You said he was starting soon, treatment?

Would you risk taking on an employee with his track record?

Totally agree. He isn’t just a nuisance or being silly. Stop making excuses.

While I have a lot of sympathy for OP and her family I do agree she is minimising her sons behaviour as “Silly”. The things he has done could have resulted in someone being hurt or worse.
I also have a child of a similar age with MH problems and we are about to have an ADHD assessment (Private) so I really do hope OP finds some help for her son because I know how generally useless The NHS is in these situations.

Have you asked him what he wants to do next?

I don't have a great deal of patience with the 'had it tough' rhetoric for personal reasons but having worked with teenagers I know it's not that simple.

I think taking some time out to address his medical/MH issues is a really good idea, but he needs some structure within that..a job or online study. Investigating ADHD too and consistent consequences any time he steps out of line. Then deciding in a few months time what the next steps will be in the longer term eg back to study/uni/apprenticeship.

Plus, people here talking about apprenticeships may not be realistic. Gone of the days when some shoddy apprenticeship was a third class option. now the apprenticeships are creme de la creme and lots of students with top A'level results are turning down their university places in order to go on them because they're considered that good. so don't think that they're very easy to get on these days. they've totally changed in the nature.

I think park the educational side of things for now, focus on medical and psychological support. A part time job would be really helpful when he is doing better. Some form of regular exercise or sport he enjoys.

Christ. Who’d be a headteacher?

Have you heard of NACRO?

I think your DS could benefit from their training. Their entire being is about keeping people out of prison whether they are adults or children.

www.nacro.org.uk/education/courses

Yes. They were two separate incidents. Taking a knife into school was another separate incident. Smashing loads of windows was another one.

That's four separate violent criminal offences, with a lot more being hinted at, all or most of which could have resulted in death or serious injury (himself or others).

These aren't 'silly' incidents of misbehaving. I'm not sure a college is or should be expected to take on someone with this level of highly dangerous, uncontrolled, criminal violent behaviour. It is not fair on staff or other students. It could have actual fatal consequences. I think there is far more serious work to be done here. In his current state of mind, it is not appropriate to try to get him into a college or a workplace.

Minimising doesn't help, on the other hand he obviously has issues.

Have you looked at the Prince's Trust OP? I know locally they do some interesting projects for teenagers and I personally know one who had a fabulous year doing lots of interesting and challenging things with them and at the end of the year got a job and is doing well.

I think these ideas about work, volunteering or apprenticeships are ignoring the fact that the young man is not be a suitable employee, volunteer or apprentice at this point in his life.

Would you want to employ and supervise him?

He is not about to transform overnight just because he changes setting, and impulsive, dangerous and anti-social behaviour would not be appropriate in any of these situations.

He needs time out, support and medical treatment at this point, with support and structure to move forward slowly after that.

A) below the age of criminal responsibility

Untrue; the age of criminal responsibility in the UK is 10.

You're lucky he hasn't been prosecuted already.

www.gov.uk/age-of-criminal-responsibility

@JaNath if you can't see that your opening post seeks to minimise his behaviour then you're in a whole lot more trouble than you think.

I was replying to a poster who said her five year old son had been told he should be in prison.

I was saying that is different from the op's son who is above the age of criminal responsibility.

I know what the age of criminal responsibility is.

Please try to read what you're responding to. It just wastes everyone's time if you don't.

He is a danger to himself and others.

He does need intervention.

I agree with other posters that he is not able to be in education at the moment. His behaviour is dangerous and criminal, not silly and childish.

I work in FE and we would most likely take him onto one of our programs, but that won't change anything. He will bring the violence with him.

I would keep him home and wait for the medication and therapy to begin to take effect.

I agree with other posters that he is not able to be in education at the moment. His behaviour is dangerous and criminal, not silly and childish.

I work in FE and we would most likely take him onto one of our programs, but that won't change anything. He will bring the violence with him.

I would keep him home and wait for the medication and therapy to begin to take effect.

Time off to let him grow might help.

Some therapy might be good, if it's affordable for you privately (unless he already has it via CAMHS).

I'd say that he's not allowed to do 'nothing' - part time work is good, but he needs to be learning too. If he's interested in games, he might be interested in game development? You could see if there are any development courses available for him to take - a few hours each week learning about something he likes that might lead to a career is a good compromise! Or a practical part-time course like a mechanic course or something - anything he shows an interest in that will keep him learning/achieving something will be good for his self-esteem.

He's done some enormously stupid stuff and I think (some) PPs are right that you can't minimise that, but if you just come down hard and tell him he's a complete idiot right now at his age, with his circumstances, I think you'll do far, far more damage than good. Supportive but firm is the way forward - he needs to know fucking up now hasn't ruined his life (esp. with ASD, this could be hugely damaging to how he moves forward), but that he can't stagnate or keep throwing opportunities away.

I think set a 3-month timeline for evaluating what his plan for next academic year will be - get him working, find him some kind of course to do to keep him learning (which will look better on any future applications to sixth forms/unis - that he didn't just sack learning of any kind of, and that he's got the initiative to keep trying), and see where you're at in spring. If he wants to go back to college then you apply, and if not you can see what your next steps are.