Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

Don’t be ridiculous. Clearly you have no idea of what actually goes on in the real world.

I think stupidity in boys in inbuilt around the age of 17 anyway!
Wow, misandry there. Neither my DS or his friends were any more stupid than their female compatriots. In fact they were far calmer and level headed.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I also had an awful time with my son from 13-16 .. I could write an essay. What are his friendships like?

No-one should be judging you! I know a few people who’s kids have massively gone off the rails, from good homes and family’s.

I don’t have any real advice. Mine sort of worked itself out as lockdown came and he came out of it a different kid, but he made many stupid choices, just like your boy. He still lives with the reputation from the ‘old him’, even though he has sorted himself out. Sending best wishes

10/10 for projection and unhelpfulness.

I would,just advise that the puberty hormones are likely to cause similar issues as puberty isn't an easy time, so don't look to them to 'mature' him. Sounds very difficult but I think removal from a stressful situation sounds the best option for now. A different environment like college maybe?

So no-one else's experiences count or should be considered? And the posters trying to blame the school for 'failing' him?! Seriously?

I agree with this. I know I've gone on a bit about the delayed puberty aspects (because I think they're relevant) Hopefully the treatment will have a very positive long term effect, but in the short term he will be going through puberty, with all that entails. It isn't a quick fix.

This.

Massive minimising.

OP's son may have mental health issues, but if he's Sixth Form age, he certainly knows better. He's making these choices. for whatever reasons, and now he has to face the consequences.

Push for a PKU placement if possible, otherwise, he's probably going to have to go the apprenticeship route if he can find one.

Hi OP, things sound really tough for you right now. And this thread isn't totally helpful either.
I'm a teacher, just wanted to say education in sixth form or FE is free in England until the young person is 19. So it might be a good idea to see if he could take some courses that are still free to him this year . Obviously this will depend a lot on him, but it might be worth discussing. A Levels and all other courses are pretty pricey for adults.

Is his Dad his biological Dad ?

Severe MH issues are rarely diagnosed in someone so young but the fact he can be polite when he wants to be I think is actually more of a worry.

You have been minimising for a while with your son there, these are all very serious acts and could have caused great harm to him or others. So what to do now?

I’d start but facing up yourself if you can, to the extent of the problem. Your son is in trouble and it’s really lucky nothing terrible has happened so far. So you have an opportunity, a chance, before anything worse happens. Honestly if it were me I’d consider moving, to get him away from friends. You need to keep him really, really busy and away from these friends, get him a mentor (look at social services), look at on the job traineeships or apprenticeships, or even get him working yourself in the garden - don’t let him hang around.

This is an immediate and high risk time - from now until he’s 20 if you steer him back it could be OK, so I’d throw the kitchen sink at making sure he is given structure. I’d consider army cadets even - something that gives him routine, physical structure, rules, all that grounded stuff. You have some power, his mobile phone etc so make it a condition that he joins certain things in order to get these and keep him very, very close. Take him to stuff a lot, rebond with him, but be strong as a parent. Be a rock.

He hasn't had it rough in life and the things he has done have been incredibly stupid. Stop babying him.

I have no idea what the solution is but I think part of it would be having a serious talk about his future. What does he want to do and how does he envision getting there?

Are social services or the police involved? They may be able to support in tackling the behaviour. Personally I’d make him work to pay for the cost of every window that he smashed.

The silent picnic ….
hummmm
you the op ?
keep your eye on the ball when your constantly name changing to reply to people without them knowing your the op.
easy to slip up I imagine,when feelings are running high

No they aren't. He is sixth form.

@Autumflower I have no idea whether @TheSilentPicnic is the OP or not but to be fair casually suggesting a 'special residential school' as the solution is not particularly real world. If you have had any dealings with CAMHS etc you would know that there is very little support for kids with MH and SEN issues. You can't just choose a special residential school, or any other setting for that matter. If only it were that easy.

He brought a knife to school?
That is very serious.
You are minimising his behaviour.

Please do not consider the military. Manipulating a ND young man with the emotional and mental age of a 13yr old into joining the armed forces is ethically wrong. He isn’t capable of consenting to such a life decision. The military are not equipped to accommodate an autistic teen with possible ADHD. And he could well end up in a war zone or peacekeeping mission. He can’t even handle the stress of normal civilian life. I don’t know how anyone can think it is a good idea to put a learning disabled person with impulse control problems, and an inability to see consequences in a high stress situation while heavily armed! With lives depending on him! He could end up having a complete mental breakdown and killing innocents and/or himself. He’s not mentally or emotionally mature or stable enough to send into the military.

Autism and adhd are not learning disabilities

I may be wrong, but as others have said the way you talk about it is concerning. It seems as if you're making excuses and minimising the behaviours. They are not silly. They are extremely dangerous and deeply inconsiderate for others. That said he is a teenager and teenagers brains are underdeveloped with regard to risk assessing and empathy. I would see if you can expedite CAMHS or go private. Allow him some control of what he does next, encourage him to find opportunities like apprenticeships that appeal to him. Feeling like he has 'something to loose' can often encourage responsible decision making. I would also take the time to sit down and talk about his behaviour, the impact it has on his life and on yours. Shame and fear won't help, but discussing it openly and without judgement may help

You do need to stop excusing and minimising criminal activities that could lead to prison. If a shopping trolley lands on top of someone, the courts won’t accept’ I think he’s ASD as reasonable mitigation. People with autism are not innately criminal- far from it.
Stop making excuses that mean he doesn’t need to take responsibility for his actions. Get him into some sort of programme for children with special needs at the local FE college. He doesn’t need a rest - he needs to start seeing consequences. A year off just gives him more tie to wreak havoc.

I agree the military is a terrible idea.

I totally agree and am amazed by how many people think it the answer, given the background. Fortunately, I don't think any branch would take him as things stand.