Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

OP, I have no expertise beyond being a parent.

Taking a year out now could be yours and his’ best chance of getting to the bottom of his behaviour and conditions and getting him sorted out to set him on the best course from next September onwards.

Get as much as you can from CAMHS: it is under resourced and hard to get what you need but much harder once he turns 18.

Push GP or relevant services for more in depth / nuanced diagnoses. ASD has so many associated conditions, understanding will help point the way to supporting him. Check for ADHD.

Time to let the medication do its work.

Lots of exercise.

Another false start in a job or apprenticeship at this stage could be disastrous.

Did he choose is A levels with a particular goal or long term career choice in mind?

Could he do private study and retake a couple of the GCSEs in which predictions weren’t reached?

Your big challenge if he takes a year out is keeping him off gaming all the time.

Is he capable of discussing what he wants with you?

I agree with RedTooth.
"He clearly has failed previously to make connections between actions and consequences, which I do think its a really big thing you need to work on and acknowledge."

Most/many ASD children have poor theory of mind. And all the suggestions I've ever read to try and synchronize and improve it, are weak, and not that effective. But you have to keep on trying, plugging away at it. It's our parental duty of care, to at least keep on trying.

Not going to minimise because his behaviour is dangerous (and criminal) but I wonder how much is linked to him trying to "prove" himself to peers because of the issues caused by his delayed puberty? If he is aware of significant differences in himself from them, his actions are perhaps a very wrongheaded way of attempting to fit in with boys he perceives as "masculine", especially when allied to emotional immaturity and impulsivity.

I think the treatment is testosterone (apologies if wrong) Have you been given any guidance on what to expect and how to handle any issues arising from it, if there are any? In the meantime, all I can suggest is trying to ensure that he has some structure and worthwhile (perhaps physical) activities as non negotiable, as well as maintaining communication by hook or crook.

It’s interesting to read 2 posters’ comments on theory of mind. I’d always understood that to be discredited but I also found it very persuasive. I’m going to revisit my Baron-Cohen books. (Not Sacha) 😊

I would agree with the poster who suggested a Mentor. My DS has ADHD, it's taken 2 years + to get a diagnosis so you will get there, but it will be a long process, and usually they ask for reports from school as to their behaviour in another setting than home, so if you can build any bridges with school and ask them to provide information, that would be a help.

My DS does martial arts with his dad, so they have 1:1 time together, have contact wit the guy who runs the session, and are doing an activity that isn't team sports. That might help your DS and give him a structure.

Our school have been good at jumping on bullying at DS' school - every time he's had an issue, we've contacted the school and it's been dealt with. Your son's situation shouldn't have got to the point where he was tryingto be "hard" at school and took a knife in.

@Deguster

Borat?
Staines Massive?
Mankini?

Once expelled, what did the school and council tell you about alternatives?

I don't think OP is minimising, but the boys behviour is hardly hardened gangster is it for fucks sake? Where I grew up messing about on train tracks, throwing shopping trolley's into canals off buildings, usually with a few kids at the top, a few at the bottom to watch, was normal, bored teenager kicks. None of my friends ended up in prison and now all of them have respectable jobs and children. If you can't rebel as a teenager, when the fuck can you?

Oh well, if it was normal where you grew up, it must be OK.

If some idiotic 16 year old threw a shopping trolley off the top of a car park, and it hit my elderly father, who couldn’t get out of the way in time, I don’t think that I’d be ‘being kind’ or writing it off as ‘bored teenager kicks’ or an inevitable side effect of whatever attention deficit the kid had been diagnosed with. I’d be campaigning for the little bastard to be locked up, and most people would think the same.

I think your idea is right. He has his whole life to work towards his potential.
Get him medically sorted. Take him out of the school/college environment. If he can find some work, good. If not, don't push it.

Taking the year to take stock is a good idea. Getting a job is also essential as is charging rent. Allowing the realities of the situation to sink in is also a good idea. For teens being able to fit in with the peer group is seriously important so allowing the hormone treatment time to allow him to mature to the same level as his peers is a sensible option. Then, next September, back to either school or college to take A levels. This is not the end of the world.

You could try something like the Princes trust team programme which really helps young people with maturity and confidence. Bear in mind that he is only funded for a study programme until he is 19 so missing a year could mean that he has to pay for post 19 education himself.

No way is bringing a knife into school considered low level. Not a chance, not where I work, not where you work, no way. Same goes for smashing windows and throwing large objects off the roof.

I work in a massive FE college with thousands of learners. Very few bring knives in.

I would encourage him to try and take responsibility for something. Maybe volunteering for something to give him focus.

DH finds with scouts that infantilising kids and telling them no often isn't the right approach. It doesn't help them gain anything.

Thats what he needs - to find some sort of purpose away from these idiot friends. It will help him feel more grown up if he is struggling with maturity issues.

By age 13/14 kids can do a lot - so even as an immature 16 year old he should have the capability to do this.

It gives him a different route to 'fine worth' so to speak.

Think this is a fabulous idea.

Agree..Physical activity is great for boys.

@JaNath Regarding the train track trespassing, we were travelling on the train tracks that follow the beach at Cannes la Bocca, anf the train came to a standstill where there wasn't a station.

Imprinted on my mind still is a child's face contorted with horror.

He had just witnessed his friend die under our train.

The poor train driver tried to brake, to no avail.

We waited while the ambulance came, but the train driver said ''He is no more.
Kaput. Fini.''

The kids had been larking about on the railway, in the sun, parents probably on the beach.

It was frightening.

The shopping trolley could easily have killed someone, and going about with a knife is plain silly.

Parents so often minimise their children's behaviour, but when it goes wrong, it takes seconds, and life is never the same again.

Just to echo the other comments re ADHD - it jumped out at me. I'd look into a diagnosis (and meds, if it's diagnosed) asap. This all sounds massively sensory seeking and lacking in impulse control/ability to foresee consequences.

There are parts of the UK where no one wants to live and no tourist ever goes due to the behaviour of some of the inhabitants.Interesting to see the mindset of people who actively support such behaviour.

My teen with ADHD got 9 GCSEs at grade 8/9 and is on track for 3 A/A* at A level.
It can present differently

Actually I don’t know your background and whether this appeals to him at all, but the forces are excellent places for kids who lack focus, are high energy and are heading in the wrong direction. He has to be very fit for the army, less so for the navy. This is an excellent idea, potentially

@Oldpalace123

I don't think OP is minimising, but the boys behviour is hardly hardened gangster is it for fucks sake? Where I grew up messing about on train tracks, throwing shopping trolley's into canals off buildings, usually with a few kids at the top, a few at the bottom to watch, was normal, bored teenager kicks. None of my friends ended up in prison and now all of them have respectable jobs and children. If you can't rebel as a teenager, when the fuck can you?

30 children were murdered in London last year, almost all stabbed. Many of them were innocent bystanders. Many others were not - they still didn't deserve to die.

My friend's 18-year-old son has been rotting away on remand for months now after getting involved in county lines, knives, stealing. He has been stabbed in prison - he's alive, but she doesn't think he will be for much longer. He's from a stable family and went to a good school. His mum, dad and younger brother are permanently traumatised and his own life is fucked.

I don't know what on earth good you think it does to present violent, potentially lethal, criminal behaviour as 'high jinks'. Carrying knives around is not 'normal teenage kicks'. Your post is really disturbing tbh.

Also- your local authority should have registered him as NEET and should be in touch to support him to re engage with some kind of learning. He should be in education until he is 18 so they have a duty of care to support him with a programme that works for him.

@TheSilentPicnic
Not true at all, this is very low level stuff and quite within the realms of normal teetering on dipping into delinquency. Not at all extreme. You must work in a very sheltered environment. Every neighbourhood will have young people engaging in exactly this sort of behaviour - and will have for the past 40yrs.

You think that anyone who doesn't think carrying knives into school is 'very low level stuff' lives/works in 'a very sheltered environment'?

Where do you live? Alcatraz?

OP reading all this. Clearly my post came across as though we have been minimising all this, which couldn't be more removed from the truth. As I said, the school have been great and extremely helpful, to the extent that although he is expelled and can never return, we've worked it out so that he is leaving voluntarily hence no record for him nor the school.
Lots of good advice here, and ADHD is something we will (again) investigate thoroughly. I've been reading about the Princes Trust Teams thing with interest this morning (work be damned today!) as well as multiple other options.
FYI he has been working for the past three years part-time, first with a food bank and now at a charity shop. We pay him an hourly rate. Every single teacher and adult that he has come into contact with describes him as polite and helpful.
Thank you for everyone with helpful, thoughtful, considered and educated advice.

That may be the case, but in the education system in general we don't regard this sort of behaviour as low level disruption. I really feel like I can speak for all educational professionals when I say that! Bringing a knife into school isn't common behaviour

Agree completely. My children attend a very large, very mixed London state secondary school. This is their weapons policy:

We emphasise to all parents the school’s approach to weapons brought onto school site, whether or not they are used. This includes knives, BB guns, sharp objects including metal combs and dangerous items that could constitute a threat. There is ‘zero tolerance’ of weapons at the school. Possession is likely to lead to permanent exclusion from the school and involvement of the police. The school’s outstanding reputation is based on care and respect for its students. We aim to ensure these principles are strictly adhered to and that the school remains a safe and secure place of learning.

I feel as confident as I can allowing my children to go there every day with 2500 other young people aged up to 18, knowing that the school takes this position. I've seen the impact of stabbing on young people I work with and in my local area. It destroys entire lives, families and communities.

Anyone minimising this or saying it is 'normal' or 'low level' or 'just silly' should be ashamed of themselves.