Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Unfortunately most of the people replying here clearly have zero experience with neurodivergence and are being incredibly unhelpful and unkind.

Unfortunately I've found the SN board on here to be very quiet and have never had many replies when I've posted about my ASD/ADHD teen, and I know how hard it is to get real practical help for your child even from the relevant NHS departments. I also know what it's like to fight every step of the way for your child when you're learning every day yourself, not knowing what to do or how best to help.

I'm so sorry I don't have any practical advice to offer, but I just wanted to send a virtual hug - you absolutely do not deserve the nasty comments that are being posted here.

Your OP is full of minimising terms/phrases. People do not know you, they can only respond to your words. I am a bleeding heart liberal and found your OP very concerning, because you used these phrases in the first paragraph:
-he's done silly things He has done lots of very dangerous criminal things
-None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else He is displaying repeated extreme behaviour
-he's always done these stupid things with others This is irrelevant

Your own OP is what has derailed the thread - the words you are using don't read as though you are fully engaged with the fact your son is not going off the rails, he is way way off them already and has been for a protracted period. for you as this is a very hard situation to be in.

Your son is

A) below the age of criminal responsibility

B) hasn't committed a number of crimes. And yes, carrying a knife, smashing windows, throwing large heavy objects off a roof, and trespassing on train tracks are ALL criminal offences. (Rightly so) Which are just the ones mentioned here.

So the comparison doesn't really hold, does it.

Agree with this - the underlying issues are the priority.

Hi OP

Didn't want to read and run as it sounds like you're having a horrific time. I don't have much to add constructively except that I have some experience of both ASD and ADHD and I think you should definitely try to get an ADHD assessment as these kind of risk taking/lack of impulse control behaviours are fairly classic symptoms.

There is a fine line to travel between being supportive for your DS to help him find the right path and being clear with him about where behavioural boundaries lie. It sounds like he has lost confidence in where his place in the world is and needs help to work that out and picture what his life could look like if he makes the right decisions going forward.

If he does have ADHD then as well as help in the form of medication some talking therapy may help him work through both the puberty issues and the behavioural ones. My experience is that there is definitely a place for both as neither are a panacea on their own.

Good luck with it all and sending both you and your son unmumsnetty hugs.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c12kgl2e4g6t

Just some of the many families recently destroyed by young men carrying knives around to show off.

But sure. Everyone is just big meanies and should #bekind and happily send our children into school with violent criminals carrying deadly weapons.

@BloodAndFire Do you have any experience of raising a ND child? I do, which is why I made the comparison.

My son has thrown a chair through a window, and also at his teacher, stabbed a child in the eye with a pencil, stamped on a baby and caused me more physical injuries than I care to remember. I post about it often.

Expressing empathy with the OP over a keyboard warrior bashing does not mean I don’t appreciate the difference between a 5 yo and a teen. There is perhaps more similarity than you thought though. The reason is autism, adhd, PDA and other ND profiles.

it is rarely shit parenting.

Would an apprenticeship suit him better. My nephew used to be like this but now he's a top chef with a young family. He just needs to find his niche and an apprenticeship might just offer that.

We have never "minimised" the seriousness of the things he has done

Yes. You absolutely did when you described them as 'silly.' So far he hasn't killed anyone but it wouldn't be unfathomable given his 'silliness' to date.

Absolutely agree with everything @Venetiaparties has put here. It's constructive, positive advice and should be reposted on all threads like this!

Whether you’ve minimised behaviour at home or not we can’t tell but you absolutely did in your OP.
School have done the right thing both by your son and by the other pupils there. His behaviour is aggressive and antisocial and carrying a knife anywhere is simply not okay!
I do hope he finds his path in life and wish you the best. As a parent of a now adult son with special needs I do sympathise but is the time for some tough love and important decisions.

It sounds really scary. Hope you can sift the good ideas and information from this thread and not write too much off as arsholes/trolling, most people are alarmed by the behaviour, understandably.

I think the critical thing is that whatever you research and opt to do with him this year, you have to stay involved and very 'on it', or the next thing you know he'll be spending the year either alone in his room gaming and making his MH worse, or hanging around, getting into trouble and spiralling into worse behaviour.

This is a critical point where things could turn around or go badly wrong, so you're right to research and get help, and I hope you find the right path for him.

OP can I gently suggest that you think about removing your blinkers a bit? As other posters have said, going on train tracks and throwing a shopping trolley from the top of a car park is not 'silly' behaviour. It's potentially very dangerous behaviour, the first to himself and others, the second to others. It's only by sheer good fortune that nothing awful happened. Yet.

It's important that you acknowledge your son's behaviour and not minimise it. I do feel for you and hope you and he get the help he needs very soon.

I would contact social services and ask for a referral to the following, stating you are looking for support for early intervention. You could also contact them directly for advice:

brighterfuturesforchildren.org/for-parents-carers/youth-offending-services/

I think this would be extremely helpful too op:

www.catch-22.org.uk/expertise/young-people-and-families/

I and others have listed above all of the wording used in the op's posts that make it clear she does not appreciate or acknowledge the seriousness of her son's behaviour.

He is a 16 year old committing a series of extremely serious and potentially deadly violent criminal offences.

Calling it 'silly' behaviour, saying that it's 'never aimed at others' (not even true), etc. is fundamentally misrepresenting the reality.

Have a look at some of the families whose lives have been destroyed as a result of knife crime.

OP - big hugs to you. We are also struggling with our DS18 and whilst he is still at college some of the things you've explained are very familiar.

Firstly I would say that 6th form is obviously not the right place for him right now. My DS left one placement and got another place for the next academic year quite easily so I wouldn't worry about that just yet. It's common enough to restart year 12.

As others have suggested, employment would probably help, as well as something physical to give him that time away from influencing peers whilst the hormone therapy begins to work. Are there any garden centres near you? Or a local gardening company that might take on a junior? Working with better male role models is key if he is so immature.
Absolutely focus on the good, even if it's him getting out of bed at a reasonable hour or emptying the dishwasher.

There are lots of charities that help young people, there might be a youth worker in your local church for example, you don't have to be religious to ask for help. The princes trust is one that comes to mind.

It also sounds likely that he has ADHD and you should ask Camhs about an assessment or potentially look to go private. Medications could really help with focus if he has it alongside ASD.

I know from experience how hard it is to deal with a young person who does things that are totally line crossing in some respects but that also should be looked at in the context of someone who cannot control impulses and behaviour in the same way someone NT can. Those who have given you a hard time should walk one day in your shoes before judging.
I wish you all well

He needs tough love. Send him into the army - might be the making of him!

Even more good advice from @Venetiaparties who's a better person than me offering more advice after a pretty acerbic response to previous post!

I actually cannot believe the cruelty of this statement. OP IGNORE this ignorant idiot.

You could also contact the youth offending team, although they usually support teens and young adults once an arrest has already been made, you might find that they will be willing to help before your son is arrested - which will no doubt happen unless something urgent is done.

www.gov.uk/youth-offending-team

A criminal record will ruin your child's life, a stint in prison will change the direction of his life forever. The impact is going to be huge on all of you.

There is so much you can do now, he has been expelled but there is still time to turn this around. But you do need to start saying both to yourself and to him, this is really really serious now. We need as much help and support as we can possibly get. Recognise this moment for what it is. Throw the kitchen sink at getting him back on track.

The expulsion from school need not define him.
What you all do next will shape the rest of his life.

Step in and grab the reins.

Hi Op

I feel so much sympathy for you and your boy. It sounds like he's had a really tough time & needs support & help & love. I think your instincts about a year out are on the money.

Some time to grow up, feel secure & deal
With health issues.

I would consider (if you can afford it) him doing volunteer work, soup kitchen, or the like. Also perhaps try & turn his hobby into a career. There are fabulous careers to be had in the gaming industry. Let him look at apprenticeships/uni courses/college courses for 2024 entry

There's also the prospect of air traffic control one day if he gets on the straight & narrow.

I think he needs strict but loving parenting & time. Time to grow up & get well
Sending love

I would start by getting legal help and make sure that is legal , if he is asd then school needs need to be meet and if they are not then school needs to be accepting some responsibility .
yous son clearly needs more help ( which I know is impossible to get in England at the moment ) , but you need to make sure he is treated fairly at school too , some of those incidents where bullying related as a example .

How old is he? (I don't know the UK schooling system).

Could he enroll at a college and do something that he enjoys rather than all school subjects?

Working as a volunteer?

Obviously this depends on the age though.

I'm not surprised school expelled him. Ours has a great ASD centre, but they don't tolerate that much. What are the alternatives re other schools? Who else is prepared to take him?