Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

Lol it clearly is too difficult 🤣

Ops son does some volunteering a few times a week and SHE pays him the equivalent on minimum wage in pocket money. Unless OP is filing a PAYE payslip with HMRC It’s not a job.

Strongly agree with this. ASD is also a barrier to the military, though this may change for cyber defence: www.forces.net/news/uk-military-actively-considering-autistic-recruits

Well done to your son!

Skilled plasterers and electricians are always in demand- as
There is a shortage of skilled trades in UK

We had a house that was rendered by a plasterer with two tattooed Lurchers chasing across his back.
Years later, someone in the building trade said “ Only one person I know could have done a job as good as that in this region..
I said “ Did he like Lurchers?”
Was the same person.

Good skilled trades are where money is at.

When you say he was being bullied, what do you mean by that? Was he afraid for his physical safety and so brought the knife in because he thought that would scare them off? I don't want to minimise bullying, but you really can't go round threatening people with knives just for name calling. He could end up in very serious trouble with that attitude. Or, worse, seriously harm another person.

The irony😂

The trouble with the 'did he think about the consequences' comments is a lot of kids with ASD don't have something called 'theory of mind' which is the ability TO think about the consequences before they do something.

It's not a matter of 'didn't think' its a matter of not being capable of it.

I think they will want a reference from his previous school though.same with an employer

Actually, it's a perfect example of why his actions shouldn't be minimised

Your son is still young and he can turn this around with the right help. I think the school have done him a huge disservice in letting him leave. He needed consequences and it may have led to accessing more targeted help. Consequences don’t need to mean punishment but equally, he can’t just get away with this.
I would keep him out of school but in employment and doing courses. He needs strict boundaries and to pay rent and bills.
Please don’t minimise his behaviour. It’s unacceptable behaviour and not just silly but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person nor that this has to be the person he is. At his age, he has the ability to change and grow but you’re not doing him any favours if he doesn’t learn the rules.
Good luck. I’ve seen many many success stories from teens who went off the rails. Onwards and upwards.

Those of you pearl clutching over the knife - my DH went to a naice grammar school and when he was a prefect had to confiscate knives!

I don't see how putting him in jail would be remotely helpful.

No, I am not equating scooters with knives, but letting your kids ride scooters or push trolleys around indoor shopping centres IS dangerous. A relative of mine ended up in A&E with injuries after somebody's unsupervised child slammed into her back with a trolley. As I said, glasshouses and stones - look at your own "parenting" before you judge other people.

you really can't go round threatening people with knives just for name calling. He could end up in very serious trouble with that attitude. Or, worse, seriously harm another person

I missed that aspect, I thought he just had a knife in school. Threatening someone with a knife is a different issue.

Mind you, it would help if schools actually dealt with bullying too.

Pearl clutching over a knife?
Oh how uncool and prudish we are to have issues over knives being brought to a school. We should all relax and get over ourselves.

What does the naice grammar school have to do with it? Do you mean that state school pearl clutchers should be more cool with children carrying knives if naicer and better schools have them too?

Echoing the disbelief at the Pearl clutching over a knife?
do you honestly think that's it not a big issue taking a knife to school?
I'm happy to be called a 'pearl clutcher' because I do think it's an issue.

Pearl clutching over a knife, now I’ve heard it all.

This is half the reason the world is in such a mess; nothing but excuses made for poor, misunderstood little darlings.

I've know a few young people that have been expelled from college and 6th form. Have you looked at courses to get him ready to go to another 6th form or college next year?

www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/programmes

Princes trust have courses that run that will support your son re-joining next year or to go into work. The young people that I've worked with that came out of college joined a course run by the Princes Trust during the year then went back to another college that was more suitable.

This.

OP: carrying a knife, smashing windows for fun/boredom, throwing large heavy objects off a roof, and trespassing on train tracks are seriously delinquent acts. I hope you are now paying his "wages" for the volunteer work to the windows being fixed?
I recently interviewed for a new apprentice role at our work place. We would not be interested in a child who'd been recently expelled and we would find out as references from teachers and tutors are sought.
Good luck with your DS. I feel like he needs some serious consequences and structure to his life.

It sounds like he could do with something physical to get rid of some energy.

This is going to sound completely out of left field and is not a cheap option but does he know how to ride? If not that could e something, it is physical and it involves animals which often have a calming effect on people neurotypical or not.

Otherwise something else with animals, volunteering at a local shelter, fostering animals, working in a pet shop.

He is still in 'education' this year but it is home school.

Have a look at resitting the GCSEs he didn't make the grades for A level.

Most of all tell him you love him, you do not love his behaviour and if the behaviour continues he will be on a road he does not want to go down.

Also if you can keep a diary and ask your son to do one, look at how you feel, how he feels, what he has done today, what was difficult? What did he/you enjoy?

Every few days get together and compare notes.

Is he easily influenced OP ? Because Asd can leave teens a lot more vulnerable .
I personally would take him off for a while even to help with the medication but would look into keeping him busy , either by home education more structured ( will he do online work? ) and maybe some outside jobs or activities ?
please ignore the idiots screaming he should be in jail , your child teen years will be a lot more complicated than those of a neurotypical teen and he deserves as much support as he can

This thread is from November 2022.

Could not agree more with this they are now competitive, some very competitive. Due to his behaviour I doubt he will get an apprenticeship in a safety critical environment like construction. He would be too much of a risk.