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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

"We don't want you to sit with us"

268 replies

challengerequired · 12/06/2021 11:12

Is this ever an ok thing to say? When the student in question is just sitting quietly?
Head of Year thinks it's okay - "you can't force people to be friends"

OP posts:
cansu · 12/06/2021 15:50

No they should be kinder and more empathetic but there is no way of making them be so. I have a student who wants to hang around with a group of popular, disruptive boys. The student has some SEN. The group don't want him. They are unkind in a similar way. They have been spoken to. They are not going to suddenly become empathetic and inclusive. They have their own problems with bad behaviour and difficult family backgrounds. The student with SEN has been encouraged away from them and paired up with others. He still continues to follow this group around, becoming increasingly upset by being rejected. The best thing we can do and it may be the same in your situation is to work with the student with SEN to find someone kinder to be friends with or to eat lunch with. Yes, they HOY should tell the group that they have no right to tell anyone where to sit but beyond that they cannot make the group talk to your child or be friendly.

Pogostemon · 12/06/2021 15:50

@opalescent

I can't see both sides at all. Jesus, what kind of kids are we raising, who are so precious that cannot have their 'space encroached upon' by another student looking for somewhere to quietly sit.

My kids are primary age at the moment, and would get short shrift if I knew they had told another child he/she couldn't sit with them. Never mind if they were older.

It's cruel and unkind. I'm sure they could have struggled through 🙄.

Thank you.

I was the unpopular kid that people used to say this to. I was quiet and shy and didn’t have the latest fashionable clothes. That was my whole crime. I wasn’t making myself unpleasant or ‘making anyone else feel uncomfortable’. I was just sitting somewhere quietly.

I am shocked by the number of parents on this thread saying it’s fine for their popular children and their friends to be so rude and unpleasant to another child, instead of teaching them kindness and tolerance.

Nightbear · 12/06/2021 15:50

Does he want to sit with them every lunchtime? Does he have other options - other places to sit, other people he could sit near?

PrimulaPrimrose · 12/06/2021 15:50

It was quite a tough area too so no fake niceness if you know what I mean.

Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 15:50

Every time I start a thread like this I realise what a tough life my ds has ahead of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 15:54

Let me assure you, he's neither creepy nor a stalker

OP posts:
baldafrique · 12/06/2021 15:55

You're not explaining what's been happening. Is he literally just taking a seat and being told to move along? Or is he wanting to chat and be part of the group at lunch etc? Does he have other friends?

Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 15:58

He's just a kid who thought because he'd talked to one of the boys in physics about cars which he likes he could maybe sit with the group this boy is in

OP posts:
baldafrique · 12/06/2021 15:59

So it was a one off and theyve asked him to move?That's pretty rude.

ittakes2 · 12/06/2021 15:59

I am sorry it breaks my heart to hear your poor son’s interaction with other kids. It’s so sad he feels he doesn’t have a safe space to perform a basic human function of refuelling his body. In my opinion the school needs to come up with a solution where he can happily eat lunch if the head master thinks it’s ok for other kids to exclude him. What does the senco think about this?
If I was you I would be contacting other parents and asking their opinion. I have no doubt you will find some kind hearted souls who ask their kid to stick up for your son or let him eat lunch quietly nearby. The kid who made the comment is a jerk but it’s likely other kids think he’s a jerk too they just need a push to find their voices.

Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 16:00

No other friends. Used to go to the "hub" for children with SEN but there also wasn't tolerated and staff didn't proactively do anything to promote harmony.
So as I said, thought he could sit with this group cos he liked talking to one of the boys about cars.
Now been told to jog on so spends lunchtime wandering around.

Will try and raise at EhCp meeting

OP posts:
baldafrique · 12/06/2021 16:01

Secondary school kids are obsessed though with how cool others are and what not. A shame but a fact of life.

Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 16:01

It wasn't a one off. For a while they tolerated him.

OP posts:
Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 16:02

Thank you ittakes2

OP posts:
baldafrique · 12/06/2021 16:03

It's really sad :( But never tends to work just going to sit with a random new group. Prob need to await being invited to join the group.

blahblahblah321 · 12/06/2021 16:03

@challengerequired

It wasn't a one off. For a while they tolerated him.
Do you know if anything changed?
BarbarianMum · 12/06/2021 16:05

He wasn't tolerated at the SEN hub either? So what is going wrong with his interaction with his peers? I dont mean this judgementally but does he rub his peers up the wrong way (I've known several fundementally very nice children with asd /adhd do this because they struggled with the rules of socialising and friendship). It sound like he needs support from the school. Sad

baldafrique · 12/06/2021 16:06

Why wasnt he tolerated at the Hub?

Nightbear · 12/06/2021 16:09

’Used to go to the "hub" for children with SEN but there also wasn't tolerated and staff didn't proactively do anything to promote harmony.’

I would be furious about that.

Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 16:09

He does struggle with social interaction. One boy dislikes him - it's mutual really. Staff did nothing to resolve this.

OP posts:
Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 16:10

I am furious. School
tells me it's lack if staff and money

OP posts:
Staffy1 · 12/06/2021 16:12

The response of the student being told that should be "well feel free to bugger off then".

Nightbear · 12/06/2021 16:12

The school should be helping him with his social skills and the fact that the two boys dislike each other should have been used as an opportunity to model how to deal with that.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 12/06/2021 16:13

I can see it from sides. Lunch time is the only time the kids get to sit down, socialise and eat amongst their friends for a decent length of time. So, they want to spend their time with the people they want to be around.

In class, they'll need to mix with everyone, do group work with whomever they're put with, sit where they're told to sit. Morning break is short so not really counting. I can understand not wanting to be lumbered with someone they arent friends with.

But, on the other hand, it's an unkind way to behave. They're old enough to understand the difficulties the child is facing and that allowing him to just sit with them could ease his discomfort at school and they could actually learn something by befriending someone different from them.

I think it's a discussion to have with the school, but you do need to accept that you cannot force the other kids to spend their social time with someone they dont want to be around.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 12/06/2021 16:13

It sounds as if the school is failing to meet his needs. Have you made a formal complaint to the head? Or to the governors? Would a fresh start in a new school with better support be an option?

I'm sorry, this sounds really tough Flowers. Yes, children shouldn't be forced to make friends but neither should your son have to spend his formative years in a place which is making him miserable.