"We don't want you to sit with us"

[challengerequired]

Is this ever an ok thing to say? When the student in question is just sitting quietly?
Head of Year thinks it's okay - "you can't force people to be friends"

I am massively on the fence on this one and would struggle to sort it in a way that everyone is happy (I’m a teacher).

You can’t force children to be friends and I never do. However, they do have to be civil and polite to others even if they don’t like them. That’s part of life.

However, if the presence of the other child is making the group feel uncomfortable, they shouldn’t be forced to sit with them.

If there is SEND involved, the school need to be doing something to help socialising with others and making friends.

The student in question is male and year 9 but because of his disability looks and acts like a much younger child

By demand I meant- no expectations to make contact outside of school

I have been the child sat with a boy with SEND. I was more than happy to be his friend and would always have included him in games, etc. if he had wanted to.

However, when choosing who to sit with at lunch (it was primary school and we were allowed to be in twos or threes for lunch), the teacher always let him choose first. He chose me. We were a pair for the rest of the year and put on a table with children (all boys by coincidence) from other years. I was Y6 and felt really uncomfortable for the whole time but I was too polite to say anything. What could I say anyway? I had no issue being his friend but his interests weren’t the same as mine (he liked Thomas the Tank Engine and I didn’t). The teacher could have engineered someone else to sit with us too so I would have someone but no one considered the impact on me.

I will be teaching my DDs to speak up if they are uncomfortable no matter what the situation. My parents never did that with me.

Do you really mean 'demand' though, or do you mean 'desire'?
Why this particular group of other students?
Is it every day or just occasionally?

I feel you would get more helpful responses if you gave a more expanded explanation of what's going on, because as a number of people have said, context is everything in this kind of situation. Also if you were to make it clear whether you are the parent of the student or of one of the pupils he wants to sit with, we could give suggestions as to other ways to handle it.

Is it girls or boys he wants to sit with?

I think he is just setting himself up for constant rejection and it would be better not to try to sit with this group

Why does SEN mean he looks younger btw?

"no expectations to make contact outside of school"

I'm afraid I don't think anyone can 'expect' to have contact with someone within school either, unless it's in the context of a lesson. If it's a question of him happening to sit nearby occasionally because that's where there's a free seat, then obviously he has a complete right to do so (and I can totally imagine some nasty teenage girls doing that). But sitting next to the same group every day? No. Hard as it is, he has no right to attach himself to a group of teenage girls that don't want him there.

It's a shame for the lad as it looks like it's not his fault.

However as I said girls should not have to accept those who make them feel uncomfortable. Just think of the knock on effects that could have as they grow older.

The concepts of "tolerance" and "inclusion" have gone too far.

Sorry, I mean nasty teenage girls objecting to someone sitting near them because there happened to be a spare seat there.

Is it a group of girls or boys?

Very rude and not ok. Whatever happened to bringing up children to be kind??

Also, not something that would ever be generally said in a shared adult space. You can't just ask people not to sit near you in the canteen/park bench etc for no reason 😮😮😮

Similar to @BeingATwatItsABingThing, I used to be pushed into buddying an SEN pupil which was detrimental to my own social development and unfair.

Unfortunately, they don't have to include him if they're not comfortable. Is it a group of girls or boys? It hurts to see your LO upset, but the Head is right, you can't force a friendship and they're not obliged to sit with anyone they don't want to.

I'm confused. Yes it's a bit harsh, unfriendly. But why would this child want to sit near a group that don't want him as a friend. Forcing friendships is never worthwhile. Is a teacher senco suggesting it? Then they are misguided. This can't end well can it? Until he does find his 'tribe'.

Its really hard, there's a girl from DDs primary who is very attached to her, calls her her bestie and follows her around. DD doesn't like her at all but is tolerant of her where noone else is because she wants to be kind, so the girl has latched onto her massively. Shes not got SN but is very socially awkward and just not pleasant to be around- constantly talks over people, holds onto DDs arm and gets in between her and her friends. No shared interests at all and keeps talking loudly about her own interests that none of them share. DD absolutely hates having her clinging on but doesn't want to be mean. Some of her friends have asked the girl to leave them alone but she refuses. I've actually told DD to kindly and gently ask her not to sit with them at least a couple of times a week, making an excuse if necessary eg were planning Katie's party or Charlie wants to talk to us about something private, but DD says she feels mean so she won't. It really gets her down and if it continues into year 8 I'm going to have to speak to the school. So based on that I do think its unfair for a group to have to have someone constantly hanging around them who none of them like, as sad as it is for the child in question. They should be kind about it but they shouldn't have to just accept their constant presence.

Bloody hell the kid was just sitting there, it doesn’t mean they have to be best buddies! Imagine telling your work colleague “sorry you can’t sit there as you don’t happen to be a close personal friend of mine”.

This isn’t about being able to choose your own friends. It’s more like bad manners, entitled behaviour, and unkindness.

"you can't just ask people not to sit near you in the canteen/park bench etc for no reason"

But you could if they were following you around and sitting next to you every day! 'Ne kind' doesn't mean let someone trample all over your boundaries, especial of you are female and the person doing the trampling is male. I'm astounded by how many people don't seem to know this.

@MissyB1

Bloody hell the kid was just sitting there, it doesn’t mean they have to be best buddies! Imagine telling your work colleague “sorry you can’t sit there as you don’t happen to be a close personal friend of mine”.

This isn’t about being able to choose your own friends. It’s more like bad manners, entitled behaviour, and unkindness.

Would you like it if your DD was constantly followed by a creepy male pupil?

Theres also a difference between the thread title and previous post- is the pupil "demanding" he be allowed to sit with the group, ie at their table or in their circle, or merely sit near them, ie not close enough to hear conversations or be involved.

Why do you all think it's a group of girls?
It's a mixed group. One of the boys said it.
I'm the parent of the rejected student.
He is of short stature and has very child like features which is why he looks young

Why would you assume he's creepy?

Demanding was just saidin the sense that literally all he wants is be allowed to sit with them

While he eats

It does change the dynamic for the group, yes. And if it's every day and they aren't naturally accepting then it does seem foolish to pursue it.

Are there any other groups he can sit near? I can't see it ending well, tbh.