Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

"We don't want you to sit with us"

268 replies

challengerequired · 12/06/2021 11:12

Is this ever an ok thing to say? When the student in question is just sitting quietly?
Head of Year thinks it's okay - "you can't force people to be friends"

OP posts:
Eyesofdisarray · 13/06/2021 14:18

I get that students might work well with others in a seating plan/group work but perhaps because 'teacher is watching- you can't get away with being nasty!!!
I'm sure not all secondary kids are awful exclusionary bullies but there's a big element of following the crowd or the Queen Bee; they like lots of support. Must be insecurity. I've seen this many times. I too would be appalled if any of mine were like this- I'd hate it. But a lot of parents aren't really that bothered.
Honestly OP this treatment has built my child's resilience and she is tougher than some of her peers. She herself has said they'd be in tears if they'd had to go through it 😣

baldafrique · 13/06/2021 14:24

Its frustrating that the OP is providing so little detail

challengerequired · 13/06/2021 14:26

I'm a bit bemused what detail I'm leaving out, what specifically would you like to know?

OP posts:
baldafrique · 13/06/2021 14:28

You havent explained whether your son is literally just grabbing a spare seat or whether he is expecting to be part of the chats etc (not saying there is anything wrong with that) and whether he wants to hang around with them for the rest of lunch after theyve finished eating. Is it every day? Also why isnt he getting help with his social skills etc?

LolaSmiles · 13/06/2021 14:41

I get that students might work well with others in a seating plan/group work but perhaps because 'teacher is watching- you can't get away with being nasty
It's not about that though. The vast majority of secondary students are very nice, unlike what many mumsnetters think where their child is kind, inclusive, wonderful, would never say anything negative about anyone (and other nauseating claims about their child being so unique and better than the others).

They get on with others across lessons because they are decent people and know that in life you work with people who aren't your friendship group. They chat with those near them in class, much like most adults would chat with colleagues because they're nice people and they know how to rub along with others and be friendly.

Equally, like adults they want to spend their social time with their friends because friends are a different relationship from other students in your year that you might get on with.

There's a lot of adults on this thread who are holding teenagers to a standard higher than they would other adults. If a poster wrote that they were frustrated because every time they try to catch up with a work friend from another department at lunch, Sally tagged herself on, and they just want to have their unpaid lunch break with their friend, people would say the OP wasn't unreasonable. But teenagers wanting to sit in a lunch space and catch up with their friends is somehow awful.

challengerequired · 13/06/2021 14:42

I can only go by what he said, and I did say this already - he wants to sit with them, and he's not talking just eating.
Re the school - again I said already that the school claims there are money, staffing and Covid reasons, but I will query this.

OP posts:
baldafrique · 13/06/2021 14:50

It is really harsh of them to say he cant sit here if he is literally just sitting. Outrageous really. I dont really see why he is bothered to sit with them but not chat tho, seems pointless. It's terrible there isnt social skills help for him at school. Really poor.

LolaSmiles · 13/06/2021 14:50

But he doesn't get to decide that he is part of their friendship group. Nobody gets to demand others spend their social time with them.

Speaking more generally than this situation, it is really problematic if adults start teaching children from a young age that they are entitled to demand access to games/friendship groups, and equally concerning if adults tell children that their chosen social boundaries should be ignored if some else demands access. It's another concerning attitude that is similar to expectations quieter students to tolerate the disruption and at times unpleasant behaviour of another student because the quieter students is a 'good influence' and will apparently benefit from having their own needs and boundaries ignored. The onus for managing the needs of students lies with the school, not other students.

The school need to put something in place to support your son and to help him develop socially, that doesn't consist of expecting other children to suck it up.

TwinsAndTrifle · 13/06/2021 14:52

OP isn't leaving details out in my opinion. She's quick to respond when it suits her narrative. She glossed over the rest, which is quite indicative of how she's dealing with this situation.

And when many of us (with non NT children, so have direct experience) have pointed out, that her DS won't be sitting quietly, but is likely trying to direct conversation with children that aren't interested and want to do their own thing (as they're entitled too), and he's done it long term, daily, which they've tolerated, and now, with him not taking any hint, their tolerance has worn thin, OP ignores these posts.

She only sees her son as a victim. As mine can be, he is most likely irritating these children, daily, in their only free time, and they are wanting to be left alone. OP needs to deal directly with her son. This "the others need to be inclusive" is a false charade. Being inclusive is not forcing children to eat with/play with someone they simply don't like, when there are plenty of alternatives. They're not bullying him, and teaching him that people essentially telling him "Enough!", is bullying, is a very dangerous game indeed. They are allowed no boundaries, and somehow he's entitled to annoy them everyday because he has SEN? Yes, I know he doesn't mean too. Neither does mine. Doesn't change the fact that he does, and it's not their fault either. This creating him to be a victim is not helping him.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/06/2021 15:24

@LolaSmiles

But he doesn't get to decide that he is part of their friendship group. Nobody gets to demand others spend their social time with them.

Speaking more generally than this situation, it is really problematic if adults start teaching children from a young age that they are entitled to demand access to games/friendship groups, and equally concerning if adults tell children that their chosen social boundaries should be ignored if some else demands access. It's another concerning attitude that is similar to expectations quieter students to tolerate the disruption and at times unpleasant behaviour of another student because the quieter students is a 'good influence' and will apparently benefit from having their own needs and boundaries ignored. The onus for managing the needs of students lies with the school, not other students.

The school need to put something in place to support your son and to help him develop socially, that doesn't consist of expecting other children to suck it up.

I agree with every word of this.

I also agree with every post from @TwinsAndTrifle.

MissyB1 · 13/06/2021 16:06

So from this thread we can see why some kids are unpleasant, unkind, and lack empathy, after all the apple never falls far from the tree.

challengerequired · 13/06/2021 17:23

I don't need to give any details as apparently some of you know exactly what goes on

OP posts:
challengerequired · 13/06/2021 17:25

I'll bow out now. Thank you for all those who've been kind. Contrary to what some of you think I have taken ideas from this thread, and I know it's complex.

OP posts:
blahblahblah321 · 13/06/2021 18:23

@challengerequired

I don't need to give any details as apparently some of you know exactly what goes on
@challengerequired , maybe you should have said at the beginning that you were only wanting responses from people agree with you.

Everyone is trying to give you a different perspective. I wish you well

challengerequired · 13/06/2021 18:35

I don't want people to agree with me, but I don't want to be told that obviously ds kept talking to people when I said he didn't - people making assumptions

OP posts:
blahblahblah321 · 13/06/2021 18:52

@challengerequired

I don't want people to agree with me, but I don't want to be told that obviously ds kept talking to people when I said he didn't - people making assumptions
Likewise a lot of people have made assumptions about this group of teens, for all you/we know there could be a very good reason they struggle themselves with having your DS decide they are who he spends his time with. They have been called all sorts of names on here, based on very little information.

That is unless you know categorically that there is absolutely no excuse and they are just nasty pieces of work? Whatever happened, your boy is hurt, and that hurts. I've been there, got the T-shirt, but I'd want to find the full facts before making quite a strong judgement.

challengerequired · 13/06/2021 18:58

As far as I'm aware I haven't said anything anywhere horrible or judgemental about them, but please let me know if you find an example. I also have NT children and I do know it's not straightforward.

OP posts:
blahblahblah321 · 13/06/2021 19:17

I give up, but good luck. I hope you get somewhere with school.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page