Impossible question - but do you think children in private schools are ‘happier’?

[Diddlysquatty]

I’ve posted a bit about my yr 8 Dd.
High flier confident and bright and primary, she’s not enjoying her large (1500) ofsted outstanding state academy secondary.
She’s become quite down, self conscious, and had friendship issues. She’s not very motivated with school work and tends to do the minimum. Dismisses a lot of subjects as boring and says they don’t matter as she won’t do them for gcse anyway. Marks are ok but achievement has slipped a bit. Obviously impossible to say what role lockdown has played.

I’d offered her the option of changing schools at the height of the friendship issues (she’s in a bit of a toxic foursome) but she said she wouldn’t like to start again somewhere.

We’re coming into some money that means private would probably be possible and my mum apparently said to my husband over xmas, when asking after Dd, that they’d like to help if we wanted to move her.

He’s keen on the idea from an academic perspective. I think he thinks in a smaller, private school they’d pick up on and help with lack of motivation, and filling any gaps from lockdown.

I’m just not sure whether we should even consider it.

The pressure at school is one of the things she complains about - she’s in top sets and in a tutor group that’s doing a special language immersion stream (supposedly) so is with generally more able people.
Surely this aspect would be worse at an academically selective secondary?

Could they really help with motivation or would it make no difference?

It does sound like the teachers are beaten down where she is but there’s no guarantee this would be different at private is there?

I know that some people choose private for academic or social reasons, but what about well-being? Are kids more likely to come out well balanced and resilient, or is the opposite true if there is more competition, issues of wealth etc?

I know I’m asking the impossible but would appreciate thoughts.

I went to a small private all girls school and there were definitely lots of mental health issues going on there!

I know my husband doesn’t agree but I’m not so fussed about grades - apart from the extent to which this would boost her - but most of all I want her to be happy and feel like she’s fulfilling her potential

I wasn't happier. It was the most miserable time of my life. I hated every minute of it. I was bullied as a 'latecomer' and my family didn't fit with the pretentious cunts so was always sidelined for social events etc too.

I was a latecomer too. Not terribly happy. Missed my friends badly.

I think it depends on the child and the school. Much as it does state schools. I guess with private schools you can chose to travel for the best fit school for your child.

I was very unhappy at state primary school however found myself in a lovely smallish secondary where i flourished.

My privately educated half siblings moved to a bigger (more local) selective private school and they hated it, one sibling became what would now be called a school refuser, until he was moved back to his original private school. And toxicity very much still exists in private school.

However, both of them absolutely loved and flourished in the smaller original non selective private school, it was a bit of a longer journey for my parents but the school fitted my siblings better.

My sister sounds very like your girl in the high flyer, she benefited from being able to make close bonds and teachers who were able to personalise her work to her to get the most out of her. (Just as a little aside that’s also why I flourished in my smaller state secondary I had a head teacher who was very in to making education fit the child)

As for the newcomer issue, your daughters 8? What year is she in? Year 3? That might be a good time to move her, as many private schools have an intake in year 3 as it moved from preprep to prep (infants in to juniors) I guess it won’t entirely rule out the late comer issue. Unless you find a school that didn’t have a preprep attached.

I think it’s about what’s the right fit for your daughter

Oh sorry I didn’t realise this was in secondary and read year 8 as 8!

I think some of what I said still applies.

Although it will actually solve some of the late comer problem, very many private schools have an intake in year 9 so children will be coming in to the school via the common enterence, the kids don’t need to know they come from state school, there will be a fair few new comers

I think it depends entirely upon the school. Would you feel able to share your local private options? Maybe there will be people on here who can advise on how well they support children like your dd.

The one thing that leaps out at me from your OP is that she feels both under pressure and under supported by teachers. I think that she is likely to get more teacher support at private school (smaller classes help with this), so it might be that she would feel less pressure as she would have more help to do well rather than feeling its all on her.

I think having money and a comfortable life makes kids happier, so thats possibly why it seems as though more independent school kids are happier

Tbf there are a few very unhappy fuck ups at dds independent school despite being extremely rich snd privileged so who knows

Yes I remember the late comers never quite fitting in completely if I’m honest

Fwiw dd3 moved to independent from state in year 9 and it was fine and she's much happier there thsn the local state, she feels 'seen' and valued. Dd2 has always been in independent education and was quite miserable in year 7 and 8 but we moved schools qnd ahes now in 6th form and can't bear to think of leaving she loves it so much

I think that children in the right school for them are happier. I don't think it is as simple as stave v private at all.

Sorry OP you can"t predict it

My sister and goddaughter were utterly miserable at private school.

My sister left for sixth form and was much happier at a state school.

My god daughter transferred to state at 13 and was much happier.

I was happy at private school. I might have been happy at state school. The teachers you get and the kids in your class are sheer luck.

I suppose all you can do is find out the ethos.

Joining in year 9 is fine as loads join then from other schools

I would say we are lucky enough to have money and a comfortable life (obviously more so if we are not paying for private school). It was always my thinking that we could put resources into stuff outside school and other opportunities. Unfortunately at the moment she’s lost interest in pretty much everything (apart from art) and has given up music and dance activities.

It is more about whether the culture of the individual school is the right fit for your DD. This includes the teachers she has because one good teacher or bad teacher can make all the difference.
So, while I agree her current school is not a good fit for her, I do not agree that it is because it is a state school nor do I agree that going private will automatically mean a better fit and happier DD.
Starting over at a new school can be challenging for children that have never done it before. So you’ll have to get your DD to be part of looking at other schools and the selection of one. But I’d keep an open mind and look at all available schools both state and private.

I’d love a crystal ball

It’s also likely to be complicated by the language immersion stuff as the idea is they get more proficient more quickly at one modern language, and take the gcse in year 9. Not sure if she’s really on track for that due to lockdown but she hasn’t learnt a second language which I guess in most private schools they would have done

I went to private school on a full scholarship and was happy there in all respects (academic, social, wellbeing). It didn't matter to me that some of the other girls had more money - maybe it would be different today. However I know of kids at private school who suffer from bullying or get into drugs so of course it varies depending on the school and the child.

I don’t really know if the current school isn’t a good fit, or if it’s just her and a bit of bad luck with some girls in her class which could happen anywhere

Depends on the child and the school.
My DD is happier than I think she would have been at the local (in Special measures) comp because it’s cool to be clever and she struggles with other people’s bad behaviour.
DS would probably be happy at either, possible State because he would be in a bigger class and hide.
If your DDs main issue is not liking pressure to achieve then she may not be happier at Private school but if you think she needs more individual teaching and smaller classes then it might be a good idea

Would look carefully at the private school options near you.

Friendship and school workload issues can happen anywhere.

wouldn’t want to rely on parental contributions to fees, which could end at any time, so if you can’t comfortably pay, factoring in additional costs and annual fee increases, would rule it out.

OP I wouldn’t worry to much about the language issue. One of the advantages of private schools is that they’re able to apply common sense and be flexible. I would have a chat to any you’re considering and specifically ask how they’d handle it, but I doubt it would be an issue - it might mean your dd has a few extra free periods instead of a second language, or even that those periods are used to help her catch up what she’s missed over lockdown. In my dd’s school, they do two languages and pick up an optional third in Y9, so she would still have the option to pick up another one next year, but I don’t know how common that is.

@QuantumJump

I went to private school on a full scholarship and was happy there in all respects (academic, social, wellbeing). It didn't matter to me that some of the other girls had more money - maybe it would be different today. However I know of kids at private school who suffer from bullying or get into drugs so of course it varies depending on the school and the child.

Doesn't this happen everywhere?

There was a hilarious incident at my school when the head wanted to expel someone for weed on the premises....till he was given a list of teachers buying from the same dealer! 😂😂😂

Languages - I think it was compulsory to do a language GCSE full stop in my day?

I suppose a big problem with school now is social media. I'd be interested to know their thoughts on it. I think kids should be able to leave school behind at the end of the day.

No, I don't think kids are any happier on average at private schools.

This is purely anecdotal, but I was really shocked at the prevalence of mental health problems amongst my privately educated peers at Cambridge. Perhaps it was coincidence, but my state educated friends did not appear to have nearly so many problems.

My dd is now in year 11 at a state secondary, and she is generally very happy and mentally healthy. However, some of her school friends do struggle with mental health issues. The school does its best to support these kids but I don't know how successful their interventions are. DD also has a number of friends at the local private schools, either from primary school or from her extracurricular activities. She definitely does not perceive them to be any happier - if anything, quite the contrary, though it does vary from person to person. Some people are more suited to certain environments than others.

With regard to your dd, I would say that my dd hated year 8. It was by far the hardest year for her - it is a bit of a filler year and I think the kids get really bored, which leads to all sorts of nonsense in friendship groups etc. DD is so much happier now!

I don't think you should think in terms of the state/private dichotomy, but rather in terms of the specific type of environment that might suit your dd. That will make for a better decision in the long term.

I guess we can look
I just find it hard to know what it’s really like day to day there as ultimately when you’re looking round they’re selling you something.

There were lots of reasons I was happy with the state school near us - local friends, greater choice of friends than in a small school, broad range of subjects, mixing with people from different backgrounds.
We were also so pleased she got into the language stream as it’s oversubscribed. But has just not been all it’s cracked up to be in some ways.
Perhaps due to the size for a lot of subjects she has multiple teachers for example - not sure if this is normal but it’s not really ideal

And good point about affordability of fees. I was surprised my mum said it really as I know they’re all about the fairness - I have two younger dds and there are 4 further grandchildren

Round here are aren’t many viable Shaw options - the other local one is similar size and similar ethos to Dds current one, and part of the same academy trust.

It’s weird as on paper this school ethos should have/would have suited year 6 Dd

*many viable state options