So have your private school fees been worth it?

[jeanne16]

Just that exactly? Both my DCs have been through private London schools all the way through from Reception to 6th Form and although they have both done very well ( eldest now at Cambridge, younger about to go to very good RG), I can't help wondering if it has been worth the money.

I am currently wondering if we could have done things differently. We have spent an enormous amount of money on school fees that could perhaps have gone on other things. Could we have tried harder to get them into decent state schools, particularly at primary level?

Your thoughts?

I think private school depends on the child. For some it doesn't really benefit them. There's plenty of better state schools than privates schools. From the sound of things, it sounds like you made the right decision to send yours to private schools; it sounds like they've done incredibly well.

Well we chose state Catholic all the way, and DCs have been very happy, and academically very successful. DH has felt a bit guilty over the years for not putting them through privately, as his parents did for him, but now very happy that we chose as we did.

I think it also depends on your income, and how much of a struggle it would be. I think it would have ended up being very stressful for us if we'd have gone down the private route, but to others it's a breeze!

Op did you consider superselective grammars?

OP what would you have spent your money on...cars,holidays and fine food.You have an enduring legacy.

'Worth it' is so hard to measure. It is impossible to know what the outcome would have been from a different type of school. People value different things...exam results,wider opportunities, social skills learned etc, so high or low value refers to different things.
And I agree that the true financial cost isn't £X but what you sacrifice to pay the fees - for some it is a drop in the ocean and a luxurious lifestyle continues despite fees. For others they sacrifice a couple of holidays. Others end up scrimping and saving and dreading any big expense and living a miserable existence to pay the fees - very different 'costs' in each case.

Your children have done well and sound happy. You made your choice. You could have made this choice (or any other) and they could have ended up not doing well and being unhappy. I guess when things turn out well, we need to be glad and pleased.

There will be others who didn't pay a penny whose children have done better than yours and those who paid more whose children did worse. I suspect that for most the differences would be quite minor, but we cannot know.

Why doubt yourself now? You did it and they thrived.

At primary it has definitely been worth it. What do we get that we couldn't have got in the state? For the first three years when DD was bright, high achieving and needed direction the small class sizes of her private school enabled her to get the attention needed, to calm her down, to learn how to learn. Later on, DD being in Y5, speaking with friends who have DCs in the state sector I am astonished that none learn a foreign language until Y6, when DD has had French all the way through plus another language each year to help develop the 'ear' for learning a language so she has done Mandarin, Spanish, German and Latin - I know some don't value this but we do and so very happy that the foundations have been laid for language learning. Those of my friends who have bright kids have tended to either move them to private or at secondary move to grammar as the mainstream state system doesn't seem to cater for the brighter kids - I am not saying that to be mean to those whose kids are not bright, just the opposite, resources in the state sector are directed at those who need help. We can't afford the fees for secondary so are applying for bursaries as well as looking at grammar. We would be happy with either as DD would be in an environment with like minded students where from experience she thrives. I have one friend who has one child in state and one in private as each school is the right fit for each child. Don't beat yourself up about what you did, like most parents you were doing what was right at the time - there will always be doubts and we can't prove things one way or another. What you can prove is that you valued their education and that you chose that path for the right reasons at the time.

"Valued their education" - Yeah, cos shoving them to the local state means you couldn't give a rat's arse, dunnit.

There isn't really any point wondering about something that's already happened and you can't change. Your choices were hardly an unmitigated disaster!

However, it's hugely unimaginative for someone to think you would otherwise have spent all that money on cars, holidays and fine food! What do you think you might have used the money for? Ensuring you could afford your own retirement and never have to turn to help from your children or the state? Helping your children onto the housing ladder and/or on to years worth of further education? Having more children? Helping your children set up their own businesses? Donating more money to charity? Working shorter hours/in different, less time consuming careers during your own working lives and spending more time doing things with your children that you instead paid their schools to do? Pursuing less lucrative but more enjoyable careers for yourselves? Pursuing different, less lucrative careers which enabled you to do more voluntary work/get more involved in the local community? Donating more money to charities? Retiring earlier to help look after grandchildren or jet set around the world? Live in bigger houses and give your children more space? Go on more holidays and have more cultural experiences? Waste it all gambling? Lose it all on the stock market?

What would you alternative fantasy life have been?...

I would have spent the money getting both DCs on the housing ladder. I look at the cost of property in London and I wonder how they will ever afford anything!

To answer the super selective grammar question. I could not face the ridiculous 11+ tutoring that goes on in our area so did not try for these. I also could not bring myself to attend church just to get DCs into lovely church schools, as many others do. So these avenues were closed to us.

Over the years and at various stages where leaving the independent sector would be doable e.g. a natural break point, we've often stopped and considered "is it worth it?" Occasionally we also looked back and thought "was it worth it?".
In my opinion it depends on the school, your expectations of the school and education in general, what outcomes you're paying for, you're individual DC, and how much of a sacrifice you're making. For year 9 we compared one of the UK's top independent boarding schools (where he had a place) with one of the UK's top 5 grammar schools (where he was also offered a place), logistics aside, we still felt for us by that I mean my DS and and us a parents that the independent school won hands down. Of course as he wasn't actually there yet we didn't know this for sure. I have never regretted it. The end is now in sight, just over 14 months to go and as I've watched him grow up (at an alarming rate) and mature over the last 4 years I'm even more sure that yes "the school fees have been worth it."
Prior to this he went to a boarding prep and now I'm less sure but that's more to do with the individual school than preps schools in general if I had my time over again at yr 6 when we had the opportunity, a legitimate reason and a natural break point to move to another prep I would have done so. Of course the grass might not have been any greener anywhere else and this is something we need to remember when we sit and "wonder was it worth it?"

Dear Nightboattocairo, I saw my DD having major issues in an otherwise excellent school, but it was not exclent for her, what would you do given the choice between leaving them to sink like a stone as DC was deemed clever enough and didn't really need any teaching or rent out rooms in your home, spend all your savings and mortgage your home and get them into a school where they thrived? - I appreciate that isn't available to everyone and much as I thought about a grapple with the system that would have taken time which would only have done damage that there was no guarantee to undo. My sister-in-law didn't speak to me for two years as I 'sold out' but now she has a bright DS also experiencing the same, suddenly she finds herself grappling not with the system but with her conscience and she knows now I only did what we thought was best. I am used to it being expected to be 'ashamed' of the advantage we've given our DD, and comments like yours are not the first I've heard and likely won't be the last. I did give a 'rat's arse' I cared deeply. I volunteer in an inner city school to support various initiatives there. My DD's school does a lot for local state schools not least access to swimming pool, playing fields and seminars at no cost. I find your comment offensive but just like my choice of education for my child, you have a choice of opinion too - just please respect that every child and situation is different before accusing someone of not caring.

Honestly? Yes I think it was a waste of money.

My dd got all As and A*s at gcse and has offers from 5 RG unis, two of her friends have offers from Oxbridge and they all go to local comp. Not cost us a penny.

How much have you spent in total OP (if you dare face it)?

Yes, even though both were on scholarships, I think it was a waste of money that we would, with hindsight, have been better investing in our house by moving to a better area with a great state school. My two eldest DC went to private secondary because where we were living for various reasons (mostly behavioral problems at the state options we had) we felt we didn't have a choice. But DC2 couldn't wait to leave at 16 to go to a top state 6th form college (frequently tops the FT/ST league tables) and absolutely thrived there after being systematically bullied for several years by all the girls in her (very small) class at private school - she became a 'surrogate boy'!

Both went to RG Universities and made very good friendships and social networks there - much better than at school. DC3 and 4 will be going to a very good august state secondary as, lesson learned, we got our act together after the first two and moved before the second two started secondary. DC3 is doing very well and is very happy and I cannot honestly see a difference the quality of education, pastoral care, curriculum breadth and extra-curricula activities and trips etc. Even the behaviour of the children is no worse at the state and is probably tolerated even less than at the private school tbh.

I think, unless you can afford the very top private schools, and we couldn't, it isn't worth it and the money could be better used on life skills and experiences.

Yes I feel it has been worth it. Three dc so a considerable sum of money. They've all thrived, I'm not sure they would have done as well in state schools.

Now we're almost through, just a few more years, Dh and I have questioned it as well. Maybe because it's too late to do anything about it? We would only have taken them out if we were considering the grammar schools (we did with one, but he narrowly failed 11+ although we didn't tutor him at all, sometimes think we should have done that).

But I'd rather give my children something that can never be taken away from them, rather than have new cars, exotic holidays etc.

Hopefully, we'll be able to help them onto the housing ladder as well in the future.

I think you'll probably only know if it was worth it by the time they get to, say, 30, and see what job they end up doing.

If they end up in fairly normal graduate jobs, then I would say it wasn't worth it.

PettsWood I think she was being sarcastic...

Lots of people judging here on what happens later in life. For us I'd say yes, it's worth it, just on the basis that each day contains, on average, much more challenge and fun and growth than our particular DS in our particular situation could get without us paying. Ymmv of course, but in our case I'm happy that we're getting our money's worth day by day. It's money at the end of the day, it's no good until you spend it on something; if you've got it, what could you possibly spend it on that's more worthwhile than improving your child's life one day at a time?

It depends on if you judge it in purely monetary terms.
If you wanted to you could add up all the fees and then compare to the earnings you think they would have had if they had gone to a state school (lots of guess work here)to see if you had got a 'good return' on your money.

However, a good number of people might go private and then choose to go into lower paying jobs than if they had been to state school - would this mean it had not been worth it? What about if the exposure in private school to certain ideas had led them to decide to want to do charity work or something else not regarded as high flying, or high paid, would that be seen as the private education being a flop?

Most people would say the qualifications etc are important, but they are also interested in the 'journey' itself, and the person not just the career that comes out of it. Of course people get great qualifications, journeys and characters from state schools too - people choose private based on what they can afford and the fact that they think that one or all of those areas (whichever is important to them) will deliver a better result, but know that isn't usually quantifiable or possible to know.

At the end of the day, we will say, we could afford it and we chose to do it for our children. They might have got as good qualifications somewhere else and turned out very similar, but at the time, it seemed the best thing available for them and so we chose to do it, with the limited information that we had about what the impact of that option or others would be. We chose what seemed best to us at the time and that is all we could do.

each day contains, on average, much more challenge and fun and growth than our particular DS in our particular situation could get without us paying

Blimey, what part of the world do you live in Future?

Future - you're right, of course, but IMO, private schooling is not the only or best way to do that.

I've had five in private schools and am happy with our sacrifice. Five more years of school fees!

I think if you can afford it, you might as well pay for it. You are keeping the school staff in employment and the state school place that your child has given up can go to someone else. If it makes no difference to you financially, why not?

If the child enjoys the school they are at, has time to pursue their sports/music/hobbies, has friends and is achieving well then it makes no difference to the child or their education whether their parents pay for that or not.