How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

[Venturica]

This is my first time posting here and I'm really just looking for some advice.

My only brother gets married next year to his fiance who has been part of our family for the last decade she's Aunt to my only daughter and we see each other every other weekend for a family dinner.

Neither she nor my brother have communicated with me around details of the wedding I found out I wasn't going to be invited to be part of the wedding party when she mentioned that my daughter was to be a junior bridesmaid and she would have only two others (both of whom are her friends whom she has known about half the time she's known me.) She is estranged from her own sister so I understand why she is not part of the wedding party.

But I don't understand why when our cousin has been asked to be best man, my daughter is a junior bridesmaid and everyone else in our immediate close family has a role in their wedding I am a guest. Just a guest.

They have literally asked me to do nothing for their wedding. We get on really well, we are a family that spends time together Christmases, birthdays, weekends holidays.

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Literally cousins who the bride is never met and my brother hasn't seen in decades are guests at their wedding just like me.

It's probably silly to be so upset about this but I honestly don't know how to talk to them about it and tell them how upsetting this is.

I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had! Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures! Or if this is a sign of things to come, will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢

I am thinking that she has asked your daughter to be bridesmaid as your contribution to the wedding.
If you daughter is young, then I woudl expect that you would be there helping to get ready etc as you will be getting her ready, so maybe her thinking was that the invitation to be bridesmaid included your role?

The bride traditionally chooses her bridesmaids so she will of course choose people she is closer to.

Your brother is the groom & he chooses his, typically male, helpers. He can hardly choose you as best man. Well he could but it would be very unusual.

Don’t talk to them about it, they have made their choices. I don’t understand why you expect a role tbh but pp is right, your daughter is a bridesmaid and you will no doubt be needed to help.I’m sorry you feel upset but to mention it would mar their wedding which would be unfair,

I agree with the idea that she maybe views your daughters role as your contribution. She maybe feels awkward about asking the grooms sister to be a bridesmaid when she is estranged from her own sister - hence friends only for big bridesmaids and a nod to your relationship by asking your daughter to have a special role.

You don't. Consider yourself lucky you can just show up and enjoy the wedding.

What role do you think you should have? Presumably a bridesmaid? I understand you might have wanted to be one but it's not really your choice. Plus your daughter is one.

My brother is getting married soon and none of the family are in the wedding party except my parents as 'parents of the groom' which is just a few photos really. I hadn't really thought twice about it.

AFAIK there's no such thing as "junior" bridesmaid. She is having your daughter in her wedding party. Would it not have been strange to have had you both as bridesmaids?

She is having her two close friends as her bridesmaids and your DD as a flower girl so she is covering friends and family. It seems very reasonable to me. I certainly would not be asking why you aren't included. That would be awkward for everyone. Just go and enjoy being a guest.

Eek, I wouldn't ask! They've made their choice, you should respect that. Don't over think it and certainly don't make it into a 'thing.

You don’t ask because you are being ridiculous , they’ve included you by asking your daughter .

Your Dh chose his best man, she gets to choose her bridesmaids. You are her SIL not her friend as such.

How old is your daughter?

Could you ask if she needs nay help organising anything?

Just curious, what is 'the wedding party'?

I don't think you do ask. They have made their decisions, so that's that. I also think that you worrying about not seeing future nieces and nephews is odd, given that you say you have a good relationship with them. You seem to be seeing a slight that isn't there and catastrophising.

There are only so many 'roles' , not one for everyone OP.

I'm not sure why you are expecting a 'role' ?

Is this the first family wedding you've been to or something?

My half sisters weren't bridesmaids for me. I chose friends.

I wasn't in my closest friend's wedding, but my daughter was.

Thank you all for your swift replies everyone.

The general consensus seems to be that I should accept that I have a role vicariously through my daughter.

I shall shut up and show up.

@Hadalifeonce

Just curious, what is 'the wedding party'?

Bride, groom, best man, bridesmaids, ushers basically. Parents are too I guess altho only Brides Dad has a formal role. And witnesses / people doing a reading I guess but I'd assume they'd pick from their bridesmaids / ushers etc

I'd say that by asking your daughter that's including you.

Also I am a single parent (daughter is 9) I have no DH (assume that means darling husband?) and never have in the time the bride has known me.

Anyway, that's likely irrelevant 😊

If the bride is estranged from her own sister then I can 100% see why she is sticking to friends as adult bridesmaids rather than ask family members. She has asked your DD to be in the wedding party and I think that's more than enough, she didn't really HAVE to have any of your family on her side of the wedding party.

It does seem like you're overreacting massively and I can't really understand why you're so upset. Most weddings I've been to siblings have been guests rather than in the wedding, unless they were exceptionally close.

Wedding party usually includes mothers and fathers of the bride and groom, best man/maid of honour, ushers, bridesmaids. Ringbarer/pageboys and flowers girls.

I think @Jubilate has it, she would feel awkward about having you, the grooms sister, as a bridesmaid, because that would highlight the fact that she hasn't asked her own sister. It is simpler for her to ask friends instead, plus your daughter who is a child as a 'flower girl'.

The wedding party usually includes whomever the couple getting married ask. There are no set rules.

For an external point of view it would look that choosing you as a bridesmaid would only underline how distant she is from her own sister - perhaps that isn't something she wants to dwell on or flag up to others.

You do seem to be interrupting their wedding choices with the most negative thoughts regarding yourself/your future place in the family (why would you imagine not seeing your nephews and nieces?!) Might be worth having a think about why that is.

Not anymore there isn't no. The "rules" seem to be whomever will look good in your Instagram pics 🤣🤣