How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

[Venturica]

This is my first time posting here and I'm really just looking for some advice.

My only brother gets married next year to his fiance who has been part of our family for the last decade she's Aunt to my only daughter and we see each other every other weekend for a family dinner.

Neither she nor my brother have communicated with me around details of the wedding I found out I wasn't going to be invited to be part of the wedding party when she mentioned that my daughter was to be a junior bridesmaid and she would have only two others (both of whom are her friends whom she has known about half the time she's known me.) She is estranged from her own sister so I understand why she is not part of the wedding party.

But I don't understand why when our cousin has been asked to be best man, my daughter is a junior bridesmaid and everyone else in our immediate close family has a role in their wedding I am a guest. Just a guest.

They have literally asked me to do nothing for their wedding. We get on really well, we are a family that spends time together Christmases, birthdays, weekends holidays.

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Literally cousins who the bride is never met and my brother hasn't seen in decades are guests at their wedding just like me.

It's probably silly to be so upset about this but I honestly don't know how to talk to them about it and tell them how upsetting this is.

I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had! Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures! Or if this is a sign of things to come, will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢

@ literally everyone on this thread. I have no wish to foist my opinion on the Bride or my Brother whom I love dearly and am very close to.

I have to say I am saddened by the reaction of some to a genuine dilemma. As my first post on MUMSNET it may also be my last as the negativity received from some has been so caustic.

Thank you all for your replies. The overwhelming support for the idea that I am overreacting has genuinely helped me to see I need accept that it's not worth discussing, no matter how hurt I feel. Because as many have said, it is their day and it doesn't really matter how anyone else feels about it.

@Donitta

What role do you think you should have had? There isn’t a “sister of the groom” role. Your brother couldn’t really ask you to be best man. I presume you wanted to be a bridesmaid, but they’re friends of the bride and you aren’t her friend.

A male friend of mine had a Best Woman as his closest friend was a woman. It's unusual but it does happen.

You are overthinking this. Wedding planning is hard and even more so since Covid and the push to keep numbers/costs low. 2 Bridesmaids dresses and a flower girl dress for your daughter seems adequate. You don't know the arrangement between the 3 friends, they might have 1 of those pacts where they are bridesmaids for each other. Don't let your lack of 'role' ruin your day or hers. Go and enjoy yourself.

For what it is worth, I have 2 brothers, we are a close family and all 3 of us had fairly traditional weddings, one brother has been married twice.

I read a poem at one, did nothing at another, and was incharge of looking after their 10 month old at the third.

So no real role in any. It was fine. As the family of the groom we were closely involved in the day, and a good time was had by all.

I think that the bride's family traditionally has far more involvement in a wedding anyway than the grooms.

I'm confused as to what 'part' you expected to play.

Is an honour to be a guest. I think you need to get over your sense of your own importance. It's not a nice look at someone else's wedding.

There is no dilemma.

They’ve not discussed anything with you

You have not asked? You haven’t wondered why?

You’re being very unreasonable. You are involved. Your daughter is a bridesmaid. Are you miffed because she’s not asked you too. If so I would be relieved. You’ll be able to enjoy the day without being the focus of anyone’s attention. There’s nothing more ridiculous than a grown woman In a bridesmaid dress.

It sounds like you get on well so there’s unlikely to be any bad feeling going on. Enjoy the day.

What would you have liked to have done? I find having a ‘job’ is far less fun that being ‘just’ a guest.

You are allowed to feel hurt! But don’t let it get to you.

Oops. Posted too soon. Seriously though, what were you expecting? My only sister was a guest at mine. I had one bridesmaid (my best friend since I was 4). Nobody in the family had 'roles'. I'm genuinely perplexed at what you were expecting.

Are you usually this narcissistic?

I wasn't a bridesmaid to my SIL and I didn't have my SIL as one of my bridesmaids. Though DH family did try to stir trouble with my SIL by telling her I was snubbing her by not asking. It just never occurred to me. I wanted my 2 friends and my niece. I didn't want to go to extra trouble and expense for something I wasn't bothered about (and neither was she). I really think you're over thinking it.

"I just want to be part of their day as I'm part of their life."

You will continue to be part of their life - a wedding is a day in the life, it doesn't dictate the future (otherwise nobody would get divorced). However repeatedly hinting at a role would cast a bit of an awkward shadow over things - let them plan away and focus on your own plans/ambitions.

Be a wonderful supportive genuinely happy to be there guest. It's the best gift you can give them.

I wasn't bridesmaid for my SIL and she wasn't for me - we are close, she will take care of my children if we die and vice versa. I rely on them and I hope they know that they can rely upon me. You don't need your relationship displayed in a wedding for it to count.

The only other sensible roles available would be as usher or reader.
What did you hope they would ask you to do?
Given the family politics then you as bridesmaid would just draw attention to the missing sister.
Also mother and daughter bridesmaids is a bit odd.
I very much doubt she means to leave you out and it’s a shame you’ve taken this so badly.

It really doesn't matter how anyone else feels about their day as you said. I've known my sil 15 years, one of my best friends 4 years. I'd have her over my sil in a heartbeat. Longevity of friendships isn't a measure of how close you become. Unfortunately you don't have any right to be in the wedding as such, and I get you're disappointed but to be honest, you don't really get to be as it's about them, and them only.
Please don't ask why you aren't involved - it will make her feel guilty and add negativity around their special day. I'm sure you will still have a lovely time on the day, celebrating with your family.

I can understand why you feel a bit put out but I do think your daughter being involved is your contribution. There's so much pressure involved in weddings and people make assumptions that as a bride you have to carefully manage.

My SIL assumed she would be my bridesmaid (we do NOT get on) and slagged me off to anyone that would listen at the wedding reception when she wasn't. Our already crap relationship is beyond repair and as far as I'm concerned she doesn't exist anymore. I'm polite to her when we visit my in laws but when she inflicts herself on us at our house I go out. Try to manage your disappointment and don't let it ruin your lovely bond. You might find that organising your daughter on the day is a job in itself!

OP, honestly, please try to see that there is no reason for the hurt you are feeling. You haven't been snubbed. They haven't over-ridden tradition to exclude you.

The bride has asked her beloved niece to play a special part in her day. By extension, you will be special too.

You may be asked to do a reading. Or to sign the wedding register. Or to do a speech. To take charge of the photographer or a frail auntie or a troublesome guest.

Or simply to enjoy the day along with other guests who are celebrating the marriage.

Honestly, while I respect that you feel hurt, I can see no reason for you doing so. I'm sure that the bride and groom would be mortified if they knew how you are feeling, and it would probably confuse them because they thought you knew how loved you are and that you don't need a special title to feel included.

Because as many have said, it is their day and it doesn't really matter how anyone else feels about it.

I’d bet any money that they’d be upset if they know how you felt, though - as I said upthread, in the bride’s position, I would have assumed that you’d feel included because your daughter was a bridesmaid. (Possibly a poor example given the subsequent fallout, but think of the Duchess of Cambridge at the Meghan/Harry wedding. William was the best man; Charlotte was a bridesmaid (and I think George was a page or something). There was no suggestion at the time that she was out of favour; lots of photos of her sorting Charlotte out.

@Moondust001 thank you for your swift assessment of my character based on a few statements.

If you knew me you would see that I am THE least self important person out there.

I don't know you, but from your response I could certainly make assumptions about your character. However, I believe generally in the good in people.

@Justmuddlingalong

There is no dilemma.

This.

Thank you @SleepingStandingUp
No idea there was now a name for this bunch.

@katy1213

What a ridiculous, self-important post.

This 100%.

Agree with others - adult bridesmaids are normally the bride's closest family and friends, some brides include future sisters-in-law out of duty but it is by no means required especially if there are several sisters. I did have my sister-in-law but if there had been more than one I wouldn't have as we don't particularly get on, never communicate 1-to-1 etc. If I'd chosen not to include her and she asked why not I would be pretty offended to be honest, especially if I'd included her daughter already. Unless you think you're close friends as well as relatives you shouldn't have any expectation of being a bridesmaid. My father in law could have said he was the same and had no role in the wedding as my dad walked me down the aisle, my mother and MIL signed the register, my sister and SIL were bridesmaids and my brother sang in the church. But he's sensible and didn't take it personally, you don't have to make up roles for everyone. He wasn't 'just' a guest, he was my future FIL whether he had an 'official' role or not.

@Eggbread that is exactly where am at. Wondering.

I think you're overreacting, and worrying about nothing. She isn't having a large wedding party, so obviously she'd want the people closest to her to be the bridesmaids. Adding your daughter is lovely, as that's her niece but she doesn't need to add her sister in law.