How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

[Venturica]

This is my first time posting here and I'm really just looking for some advice.

My only brother gets married next year to his fiance who has been part of our family for the last decade she's Aunt to my only daughter and we see each other every other weekend for a family dinner.

Neither she nor my brother have communicated with me around details of the wedding I found out I wasn't going to be invited to be part of the wedding party when she mentioned that my daughter was to be a junior bridesmaid and she would have only two others (both of whom are her friends whom she has known about half the time she's known me.) She is estranged from her own sister so I understand why she is not part of the wedding party.

But I don't understand why when our cousin has been asked to be best man, my daughter is a junior bridesmaid and everyone else in our immediate close family has a role in their wedding I am a guest. Just a guest.

They have literally asked me to do nothing for their wedding. We get on really well, we are a family that spends time together Christmases, birthdays, weekends holidays.

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Literally cousins who the bride is never met and my brother hasn't seen in decades are guests at their wedding just like me.

It's probably silly to be so upset about this but I honestly don't know how to talk to them about it and tell them how upsetting this is.

I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had! Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures! Or if this is a sign of things to come, will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢

No wonder couples elope. Jeez, what a fucking non issue. 🙄

@donquixotedelamancha

If you knew me you would see that I am THE least self important person out there.

I'm always really impressed when someone is the winner at being humble.

[quote Venturica]@Doghead do you generally find people receive insults as helpful criticism??

What possibly "roles" or "tasks" could I have helped with.

Wedding flowers (am trained florist)
Favours
Wedding invites
Table settings

I've offered (not too much, as I didn't want to seem pushy) but nothing has been accepted.

[/quote]
You're very overly dramatic and needy aren't you. It's not your wedding. They can plan it however they want. You are not automatically given a role at any wedding. They don't need this pressure from you.....especially after this last year with covid, lockdown etc. Its not about you. You don't have to be centre of their world. You need to absorb what people are telling you on here.

If you don't like harsh truths and people not agreeing with your wierd ideas then don't post on forums like this.

Oh and yes MN is brutal. Just as well you didn't post on AIBU

I came from active and thought it was AIBU from the responses. In fairness I think scotsnet is sometimes even more aggressive does anyone have an opinion on independence?

@donquixotedelamancha 😂 I love your sense of humour. But obviously not a chance in hell would I ever consider that!

@Cushionsnotpillows what is AIBU? 🤣

@Doghead aye, ye already done said that hon. Hakuna yer tatas

Too brutal for you.

Op, this is very intense and concerning. You’re in genuine pain?

Do you have friends of your own? I mean that gently, but it reads like you wanted to be bridesmaid.the tasks you mention would be sorted by either thr bride and groom or the bridesmaids. But generally the bride ans groom, I don’t know anyone who has handed off flowers or table plans for example.

Are you upset becayse you felt you were her friend so felt you should be included?

Is this indicative of the whole MUMSNET community? Or is it just my initial message that has invited that vibe?

This is about average. If you were her MiL it would have been a lot worse. Think of it as getting to hear people's unfiltered inner thoughts.

You now know that you've been a bit precious and that not everyone makes the same assumptions about weddings. You'll avoid overreacting or reading too much into it. Once the sting fades it's not all bad.

Try asking whether you should take up Veganism for your next thread.

Having "roles" is a load of hassle. When dh was best man for his best mate (who was marrying my best friend) I had no role apart from to collect the bride and grooms change of clothes from their home and deliver them to the reception venue.

The rest of my day was spent chatting with existing friends and making new ones while my dh was stuck on the top table and had to make speeches.

@Justmuddlingalong

Nope. Just already been said. Cheers for your valuable input though, I'll take it under advisement 😉

@Venturica

Wedding party usually includes mothers and fathers of the bride and groom, best man/maid of honour, ushers, bridesmaids. Ringbarer/pageboys and flowers girls.

But non of those are roles for a single adult woman (not making a dig at you being single- just a fact)

I had no bridesmaids. And i love all of my friends and family dearly and they know that.

My best friend only wanted children bridesmaids. It ended up her taking ages to get married and so her niece was in the end on the cusp of adulthood but it had always been their thing. So she had her as bridesmaid and asked me if i wanted to be one-and i said that i didn't need to wear a particular colour dress to be an important part of her day. She was relieved as she didn't really want adult bridemaids.

Ive never given it another thought. Just shows the wide range of views. I guess some will have seen it as strange.

I think you have to accept that the 'role' aspect means more to you then it does to her. That does not mean she doesn't care about you or want you on her photos. Its just she doesn't think about it the same way. Nobody is right or wrong. If you genuinely believe the insta comments then shes not a nice person so emotionally distance yourself.

@Bluntness100 I meant I could literally make whatever she specifically told me she wanted.

It’s just that whenever anyone posts on her as an adult woman, saying ‘but I want to be a bridesmaid or flower girl’ (which is basically what you said as the are the only roles in the wedding party list you posted that you could possibly have been offered) they will invariably be told to grow up. Especially when they have a young daughter who has been asked to be a bridesmaid.
This is not generally viewed as a genuine issue or problem so the responses reflect that.

@donquixotedelamancha 🤣 think I'll share my thought in the indyref first 😜

@anxietyanonymous perhaps you are right. Distance might be key.

@CorvusPurpureus

I would guess the conversation went like:

SIL: definitely not having my sister as a bridesmaid as we don't get on
DB: okay, but how about my sister? You two are mates.
SIL: yes but that would be a really pointed snub to my sister & upset DPs...I can't face the drama of that!
DB: okay, so let's have Dniece as a flower girl & no adult family bridesmaids. Problem solved.

This sums it up!!

@Lovesacake I had no idea, perhaps it was my being naive.

Weddings are always messy and so much potential to hurt people inadvertently - I can see it's upsetting when you see it as a signal that you're not perhaps as close as you thought, but try not to take it to heart.

You never know why she's doing what she's doing, try and forget about it, one day isn't the important thing really.

Fwiw I can't think of a family wedding where one or several people haven't had ruffled feathers.

I would assume it’s because your daughter is a bridesmaid; so in this sense you are already ‘involved’.

If my children were part of a wedding party, I wouldn’t expect a separate role.

IMO I don’t think you have anything to be concerned about.

Yes I can see that it's probably about the lack of symmetry with her family and her relationship with her sister than about you.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk love the dedication to the bit. It was more likely to have gone like this.

Bro: so your obviously not having your sister as a bridesmaid as you guys haven't spoken since a week after her daughter was born and she's almost 2.
SIL: yep, I'm gonna have my pals and your sisters daughter instead
BRO: cool. Not sis though?
SIL: nope
BRO:....

Just a guess, honestly not sure they even had a conversation about it at all 🤣

Perhaps she's closer to the friends she's asked, it's not typical to have the grooms family as bridesmaids except perhaps kids in my experience. I host weddings, many a year and normally the bridesmaids are sisters or friends of the bride. You get along with her but she sees you as family, the sister of her fiancé rather than a friend I'm guessing, it's certainly how I saw my sil