How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

[Venturica]

This is my first time posting here and I'm really just looking for some advice.

My only brother gets married next year to his fiance who has been part of our family for the last decade she's Aunt to my only daughter and we see each other every other weekend for a family dinner.

Neither she nor my brother have communicated with me around details of the wedding I found out I wasn't going to be invited to be part of the wedding party when she mentioned that my daughter was to be a junior bridesmaid and she would have only two others (both of whom are her friends whom she has known about half the time she's known me.) She is estranged from her own sister so I understand why she is not part of the wedding party.

But I don't understand why when our cousin has been asked to be best man, my daughter is a junior bridesmaid and everyone else in our immediate close family has a role in their wedding I am a guest. Just a guest.

They have literally asked me to do nothing for their wedding. We get on really well, we are a family that spends time together Christmases, birthdays, weekends holidays.

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Literally cousins who the bride is never met and my brother hasn't seen in decades are guests at their wedding just like me.

It's probably silly to be so upset about this but I honestly don't know how to talk to them about it and tell them how upsetting this is.

I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had! Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures! Or if this is a sign of things to come, will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢

Op I'm sorry you are feeling sad about it. But what I think most people are saying is that in most circles (in the UK) a sister of the groom wouldn't usually have a traditional assigned role in a wedding. In fact neither would nieces on the groom side. So actually it is a real honour that your dd has been asked to be a bridesmaid or flower girl. So I think people are confused as to what you are unhappy with.

Would you have preferred for you to have been a maid of honour and your daughter just be a guest?

I think you are overthinking this. I wouldn't expect to be a bridesmaid to my brother once I have children. I'd like my children (his nieces and nephews) to be involved though, although I wouldn't 'expect' it.

Hope this helps. I would try to enjoy your brother's special day. At end of the day you should be happy he is happy!

Thank you @RisingSunn your post is a refreshing change of pace 😘

Thanks @vickylou78 your response is kind

[quote Venturica]@Bluntness100 I meant I could literally make whatever she specifically told me she wanted. [/quote]
I’m sure you could. But you must understand why she wants to organise her own wedding?

@Bluntness100 I have no need to organise anything for them. Being able to contribute my skills to make their day beautiful would be nice though.

I've come to accept that there is no need though as my "role" is to present my daughter.

But why would they ask you to do things they want to do? Unless you run a company that makes place settings and invites, why ask you? Tbh even if you did, and even though you're a florist - maybe they want something specific and are worried they'll not like what you do, which will make things very awkward. They've probably looked at hundreds of florists and picked the best one to their taste. You can't expect to do the flowers just because you can.
Again - it's not about you. Saying you're In genuine pain over it is beyond dramatic, and honestly it's a real shame that their day will revolve back to your feelings at some point.

And your "role" is to show up, the same as any other guest. You don't need a role just because you're family.

You're calling a lot of posters mean, but your own posts are really aggressive (both outwardly and passively) too!

Seriously, the groom's sister doesn't normally get either a role or to be a bridesmaid. It's actually pretty nice of her to ask your DD to be a bridesmaid. And all those things you suggested you could help with, are generally things that the bride wants control of herself. My daughter certainly did those things for herself.

You seem determined to take both your SIL's decision personally. For your sake and your daughter's just enjoy the day itself, and stop thinking that somehow you've been slighted. I imagine that the bride has friends beyond the two that she's asked, that have more 'right' (in that they're closer to her) than you to be BM. Yet hopefully they're not making nasty comments about not being Instagram-worthy.

[quote Venturica]@Doghead do you generally find people receive insults as helpful criticism??

What possibly "roles" or "tasks" could I have helped with.

Wedding flowers (am trained florist)
Favours
Wedding invites
Table settings

I've offered (not too much, as I didn't want to seem pushy) but nothing has been accepted.

[/quote]
You’re now coming across as pushy, even though you can’t see it. I think you need to let them get on with it and take a step back. If they wanted you as a florist they would have asked you, same for the other jobs. Maybe the bride doesn’t want to delegate.

If I were you I would rewind my level of emotional investment in the wedding and just go and enjoy the day.

My younger sister had a friend and my DD as bridesmaids. I felt a bit odd as I had her as my adult bridesmaid and I had been a bridesmaid along with my DD for a close friend.
I could see the reason for her choice, but wish she had been a bit more open about it. She also didn't invite my DS to be a pageboy, but he was only 2.
I didn't talk to her about it as respected her decision.

@wildeverose you have miss construed. Cheers for your judgement though.

@saraclara despite the fact they are only getting married now and have only been living together a couple of years, my daughter is 9 she has been her Aunt that entire time. So don't think it was a curtesy to me for her to ask her only niece she has contact with to be a flower girl.

But thank you for your input.

@Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel when I say I've offered I mean 3 times in 18 months... still pushy? Genuinely asking.

What have I misconstrued?
What else does "it would be nice to use my skills to make their day beautiful"
And listing things you want to help with, mean?
Other than that you want to be Involved in those things? How can I possibly have misconstrued that? 😂

@Venturica sorry you’re getting a hard time mumsnet HATES weddings and anyone having any feelings around weddings. You were doomed from the start! Just go and enjoy the day responsibility free, not having to hold the brides dress while she wees or pose for endless pictures.

Ahhh...OP it sucks a bit. One of my friends is getting married next year and although she talked about it in an abstract way for a few years, she has asked other people to be BM. I probably wouldn’t fit with my shaved crop and piercings 😂.

When my DB got married; his DD was BM. My ‘role’ was to rush into a large city centre department store (2 hours before wedding) to buy her some silver shoes as they had forgotten to pack hers! And pick up the cake and not drop it. Your DD will have a lovely time, smile and enjoy yourself.

Now sitting wondering if I've offended my SIL by not asking her to be a bridesmaid

I agree it's probably due to her lack of relationship with her own sister that she just wants her friends.

[quote Venturica]@Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel when I say I've offered I mean 3 times in 18 months... still pushy? Genuinely asking. [/quote]
Yes, still pushy. I think in the cold light of day you would benefit from reading your responses again along with all the good advice. You are refusing to see how you are coming across. You’ve offered three times to help and i presume, been turned down. You need to take the hint. All you’re doing is upsetting yourself. You’ll have a lovely day seeing your daughter be a bridesmaid, just be happy with that, go and enjoy a stress free wedding, some lovely food etc.

I don't hate weddings! I bloody love them and looked in to training as a registrar!

But the Op is straining to be create a catastrophe ("will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢", "I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had") rather than valuing being a guest.
It's quite out of proportion and she risks alienating her brother and SIL by pushing any further.

A kindly "do give me a shout if you need any help" never goes amiss is fine. Intense discussion about her hurt feelings less so (especially given the awful start to the tear her poor SIL has already had to weather).

I'm a bit confused as to what role you think you would have played or that you ever thought you would be in the bridal party. Im getting married next year and we're really close to my brother and his wife but I would never have considered asking his wife to be in the wedding party. Same with my fiancé's sister, she's lovely and we see a lot her but her son is page boy. Would have been weird to ask her to be my bridesmaid surely

I agree with consensus. I don't see why you think this affects how she feels about you. She clearly loves you and your daughter and that is why she asked her to be a bridesmaid. You would have to have been a matron of honour and that is usually only a sister or very best friend. Otherwise it's be weird to have you and your daughter as bridesmaids. I also agree that it would draw attention to her own sister not being a bridesmaid if she had you, so better to stick to just friends.

As to why she didn't ask you to do any jobs? Perhaps she just wants you to relax and have a nice day and support your daughter rather than running around fixing flowers etc getting stressed. Perhaps she'd rather keep a professional relationship with her wedding suppliers. Getting friends and relatives to do things can lead to arguments.

You have been included as your daughter is a bridesmaid. I wouldn't question your relationship with her at all.

I'm sure that are not snubbing you, they are just following tradition. You'll be there supporting your daughter to support the bride in exactly the same way Katherine did for her sister Pippa at her wedding! Just enjoy the day, you'll be able to choose your own dress!

Personally I would just feel over the moon they are happy and that my child was asked to be a bridesmaid, I guess I don't expect too much from people I love though.

It would be a bit weird to have you AND your daughter if she’s only having 3 bridesmaids. Traditionally the bride chooses her bridesmaids from her family and close friends. Maybe the choice was your or your daughter and they assumed you’d rather your daughter had the treat and fun of dressing up? Let’s face it, it’ll mean more to her! And if you were a bridesmaid and she wasn’t, who’d look after her, since the rest of your family has a role and you’ve said you’re not in a couple?

Maybe if your SIL's friends had kids they'd be the bridesmaids? My prior would've been that you'd have little ones as bridesmaids if available as they usually get so much out of it.

My niece was my bridesmaid (I didn't want one really but mum insisted) and she loved it and was so special to her she kept the dress until my own dds were old enough to play in it, 15 years!