How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

[Venturica]

This is my first time posting here and I'm really just looking for some advice.

My only brother gets married next year to his fiance who has been part of our family for the last decade she's Aunt to my only daughter and we see each other every other weekend for a family dinner.

Neither she nor my brother have communicated with me around details of the wedding I found out I wasn't going to be invited to be part of the wedding party when she mentioned that my daughter was to be a junior bridesmaid and she would have only two others (both of whom are her friends whom she has known about half the time she's known me.) She is estranged from her own sister so I understand why she is not part of the wedding party.

But I don't understand why when our cousin has been asked to be best man, my daughter is a junior bridesmaid and everyone else in our immediate close family has a role in their wedding I am a guest. Just a guest.

They have literally asked me to do nothing for their wedding. We get on really well, we are a family that spends time together Christmases, birthdays, weekends holidays.

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Literally cousins who the bride is never met and my brother hasn't seen in decades are guests at their wedding just like me.

It's probably silly to be so upset about this but I honestly don't know how to talk to them about it and tell them how upsetting this is.

I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had! Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures! Or if this is a sign of things to come, will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢

@Doghead do you generally find people receive insults as helpful criticism??

What possibly "roles" or "tasks" could I have helped with.

Wedding flowers (am trained florist)
Favours
Wedding invites
Table settings

I've offered (not too much, as I didn't want to seem pushy) but nothing has been accepted.

@Venturica I had no idea that parents were supposed to be part of the wedding party 😬

Me and DH got married last year... We figured their “role” was to be mother/father of the groom. We didn’t offer them other things. My bridesmaids were my close friends. I don’t have parents, but they wouldn’t have been given a role either, other than “mother/father of the bride”.

I think we talked about if DHs dad wanted to make a speech, but he didn’t, and I decided to walk down the aisle by myself...

They really might not mean any offence. I had all the wedding apps and read loads of the magazines and it was never mentioned that the parents should have more roles. I hope we haven’t offended DHs parents!

I wasn't given a role in my brothers wedding. My husband was best man. Our daughter was the young bridesmaid - SIL had 5/older ones iirc.
I was thrilled my daughter got to be a bridesmaid, it didn't cross my mind that I should have been one in a more traditional setting.
I would enjoy your daughter being the cutest in the party!

It’s family members like you that make planning a wedding so friggin’ hard. You are not just guaranteed a role in their wedding because you think you should have one! Go and enjoy the day instead of feeling sorry for yourself for absolutely no reason.

[quote Venturica]@Doghead do you generally find people receive insults as helpful criticism??

What possibly "roles" or "tasks" could I have helped with.

Wedding flowers (am trained florist)
Favours
Wedding invites
Table settings

I've offered (not too much, as I didn't want to seem pushy) but nothing has been accepted.

[/quote]
Ah so you have offered to help?
I'd offer again and make it explicit you are keen and can do whatever they want and then leave it.
It's possible there may be more going on behind the scenes and there's no snub intended.
At least you won't have any bridezillla memories of doing the flowers "wrong" to taint your relationship with future sil.

[quote Venturica]@Doghead do you generally find people receive insults as helpful criticism??

What possibly "roles" or "tasks" could I have helped with.

Wedding flowers (am trained florist)
Favours
Wedding invites
Table settings

I've offered (not too much, as I didn't want to seem pushy) but nothing has been accepted.

[/quote]
But these are things the couple like to do themselves? Apart from flowers. Why would they want help? I can't wait to do all this stuff for my own wedding!

Wedding invites? What do you expect to do - design them, print them, collect the replies?
Can't you just enjoy being a guest with your daughter as bridesmaid? What a fuss over nothing.

I genuinely wish your future SIL all the luck in the world. She'll need it.

Our daughter is getting married next year. My husband will be walking her down the aisle, my daughter is her matron of honour and my granddaughter is the flower girl. I have no specific role to play on the day and do you know what I cannot wait

You'll be a guest at the wedding and be able to enjoy yourself without any responsibility so I wouldn't feel too out out.

@KarensChoppyBob

I genuinely wish your future SIL all the luck in the world. She'll need it.

I think by inviting your daughter to be bridesmaid she's including you as well.

If you knew me you would see that I am THE least self important person out there.

I'm always really impressed when someone is the winner at being humble.

Everyone seems to think I'm over here meddling in their wedding, hinting I want a "role" and generally being a narcissistic Bitch 24/7 they've been engaged 18 months and I haven't said a damn word to anyone except my own mother except you all in that time.

I would never treat anyone the way some keyboard warriors on this site treat people!

Someone in genuine pain has reached out for advice.

I may not have articulated myself very well to begin with because as previously mentioned this is an intense and evocative subject for me.

There are some genuinely lovely ladies on here though, who have tried to share their thoughts with compassion and I thank them.

How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

Just guessing but is your brother passionate about good punctuation and grammar.

@donquixotedelamancha

Solid diss

@Venturica

Everyone seems to think I'm over here meddling in their wedding, hinting I want a "role" and generally being a narcissistic Bitch 24/7 they've been engaged 18 months and I haven't said a damn word to anyone except my own mother except you all in that time.

I would never treat anyone the way some keyboard warriors on this site treat people!

Someone in genuine pain has reached out for advice.

I may not have articulated myself very well to begin with because as previously mentioned this is an intense and evocative subject for me.

There are some genuinely lovely ladies on here though, who have tried to share their thoughts with compassion and I thank them.

Genuine pain? Can you not see, objectively, how dramatic that is?

@Venturica

Honestly, *@Notonthestairs* the brides family is a mess to be honest.

Her parent are getting divorced, shortly after it was announced her father attempted to take his own life. This was just before Christmas. They were understandably nervous about leaving him alone in such a fragile state, so I pressed hard for our parents to include him in our Christmas Day festivities.

I keep trying to talk to her about what the plans would be, but honestly it feels chilly every time I do. I just want to be part of their day as I'm part of their life.

I get that my being hairdresser and chauffeur to my daughter is perhaps supposed to be a backhanded way of including me. But honestly, I really thought we were closer than that.

I now question literally every interaction she and I have ever had in the decade we have known each other. 😢

I'm not surprised they're chilly when you repeatedly keep asking about the plans. They probably feel awkward with your expectations. You seem to slightly misunderstand the level of 'involvement' a sister of the groom usually has. IE: none, other than saying 'that sounds nice' if they offer details about their plans.

Also the incident at Christmas where you 'pressed hard' for your parents to invite her Dad for Christmas, that sounds a bit excessive. I get the impression you try to be over involved in your brother and sister in laws life and they probably feel uncomfortable about it.

The line about 'a backhanded way of including me' sounds so sulky, bitter and ungrateful.

You're family not a friend, it's different.

@Venturica

Honestly, *@Notonthestairs* the brides family is a mess to be honest.

Her parent are getting divorced, shortly after it was announced her father attempted to take his own life. This was just before Christmas. They were understandably nervous about leaving him alone in such a fragile state, so I pressed hard for our parents to include him in our Christmas Day festivities.

I keep trying to talk to her about what the plans would be, but honestly it feels chilly every time I do. I just want to be part of their day as I'm part of their life.

I get that my being hairdresser and chauffeur to my daughter is perhaps supposed to be a backhanded way of including me. But honestly, I really thought we were closer than that.

I now question literally every interaction she and I have ever had in the decade we have known each other. 😢

You’re too invested here. You are the sister of her fiancé, and as such she is polite and friendly with you. That doesn’t mean you’re her best friend, or even that she’d choose you as a friend if it were not for the relationship. Leave her to it and enjoy the day.

I would guess the conversation went like:

SIL: definitely not having my sister as a bridesmaid as we don't get on
DB: okay, but how about my sister? You two are mates.
SIL: yes but that would be a really pointed snub to my sister & upset DPs...I can't face the drama of that!
DB: okay, so let's have Dniece as a flower girl & no adult family bridesmaids. Problem solved.

@Venturica see it as a chance to really chill and enjoy the wedding.
And don't do what sil did when her dd was a bridesmaid. She was ever present in the bridal party and we referred to her as mother of the bridesmaid throughout the day.

Solid diss

Thanks, which was your favourite :-) You really do need to take AIBU with a huge pinch of salt. Not every poster gives wise and construtuve advice like me.

Have you considered buying your own bridesmaid's dress and just following them down the isle?

When my brother got married to his long term partner, who I’d spent lots of time with, asked me to be a bridesmaid at their wedding, I was actually quite surprised as I’d assumed it’s the brides choice to choose her close friends and family, not the grooms.
The grooms side is not a given. And your daughter would be a representation of your brothers side of the family. And as her mother, you’ll be involved just without any expectation on you.
Enjoy being a guest!

Genuine pain?
Really?

Maybe your intensity scares the shit out of her. Or maybe there just is no such thing as "sister of the groom does this for weddings".

Either way, your daughter is included so i would go back to your first post of shut up and show up, that's the ticket.

Oh and yes MN is brutal. Just as well you didn't post on AIBU, you'd have been torn to shreds.

I'd be secretly breathing a sigh of relief. Grown adult women as bridesmaids make me cringe.

This is hopeless.

The original message was posted with the intent to really find out if I was overreacting or if I should feel upset.

So many of you feel so strongly that I should accept that it is what it is, their day.

And I will. No more shall be said about it. To anyone.

However they attacks that have been aimed my way. Are completely unnecessary. Is this indicative of the whole MUMSNET community? Or is it just my initial message that has invited that vibe?