How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

[Venturica]

This is my first time posting here and I'm really just looking for some advice.

My only brother gets married next year to his fiance who has been part of our family for the last decade she's Aunt to my only daughter and we see each other every other weekend for a family dinner.

Neither she nor my brother have communicated with me around details of the wedding I found out I wasn't going to be invited to be part of the wedding party when she mentioned that my daughter was to be a junior bridesmaid and she would have only two others (both of whom are her friends whom she has known about half the time she's known me.) She is estranged from her own sister so I understand why she is not part of the wedding party.

But I don't understand why when our cousin has been asked to be best man, my daughter is a junior bridesmaid and everyone else in our immediate close family has a role in their wedding I am a guest. Just a guest.

They have literally asked me to do nothing for their wedding. We get on really well, we are a family that spends time together Christmases, birthdays, weekends holidays.

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Literally cousins who the bride is never met and my brother hasn't seen in decades are guests at their wedding just like me.

It's probably silly to be so upset about this but I honestly don't know how to talk to them about it and tell them how upsetting this is.

I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had! Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures! Or if this is a sign of things to come, will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢

Interpreting not interrupting

What role do you think you should have had? There isn’t a “sister of the groom” role. Your brother couldn’t really ask you to be best man. I presume you wanted to be a bridesmaid, but they’re friends of the bride and you aren’t her friend.

What's the Instagram thing OP? Are you feeling negative about your looks?

Do you suffer from self esteem issues?

Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures!
From this I assume the bride and bridesmaids are “pretty” and you feel that you don’t have the same look or style?

Agree with others - she’s asked your DD to be a bridesmaid and that’s “your” role. @SleepingStandingUp is right; ask her if you can help her to do anything?

Just be grateful you're not the best man's other half

Your last reply makes you sound bitter. I'll have anyone I want as my bridesmaids regardless if they're family or not.

Honestly, @Notonthestairs the brides family is a mess to be honest.

Her parent are getting divorced, shortly after it was announced her father attempted to take his own life. This was just before Christmas. They were understandably nervous about leaving him alone in such a fragile state, so I pressed hard for our parents to include him in our Christmas Day festivities.

I keep trying to talk to her about what the plans would be, but honestly it feels chilly every time I do. I just want to be part of their day as I'm part of their life.

I get that my being hairdresser and chauffeur to my daughter is perhaps supposed to be a backhanded way of including me. But honestly, I really thought we were closer than that.

I now question literally every interaction she and I have ever had in the decade we have known each other. 😢

Well in a wedding there are those with jobs to do and those you rock up and have a good time.

I know which side I’d pick.

What a ridiculous, self-important post.

@katy1213 thank you soon much for your empathy

@Venturica

Wedding party usually includes mothers and fathers of the bride and groom, best man/maid of honour, ushers, bridesmaids. Ringbarer/pageboys and flowers girls.

I agree - that’s traditional. But unless you were a bridesmaid, “sister of the groom” isn’t a “thing” as such. You wouldn’t expect to see the groom’s sister on the top table, for example, if a couple was having a very traditional reception. And it certainly wouldn’t be considered traditional for you to be a bridesmaid if your daughter was. So I wouldn’t think that there’s any snub intended at all.

@Donitta

What role do you think you should have had? There isn’t a “sister of the groom” role. Your brother couldn’t really ask you to be best man. I presume you wanted to be a bridesmaid, but they’re friends of the bride and you aren’t her friend.

This. I wouldn’t ask my DP’s sister nor his brothers wife to be bridesmaid. My bridesmaids would be my sister, close friends and nieces.

Thank you @Crosstrainer. For your well thought out and warm reply. I really appreciate you taking time to help.

I don't see why you need to ask. The bride chooses the bridesmaids and the groom chooses the ushers. The fact that a cousin is involved on the grooms side is irrelevant. I see my sister in law a lot and although we eloped, if we'd had a wedding, she wouldn't have been a bridesmaid and I can't imagine she'd have been bothered. Don't turn it into an awkward situation. Weddings are expensive and stressful enough without having family members foist their own opinions on how it should be done.

Sorry OP but she clearly sees you as a very nice sister-in-law to be - but not as her closest friend.

I assume you are 30-something if you have a 9yo (I do realise you could be younger). At that age tbh there is no way I would have wanted to dress up in a satin frock and smile nicely at the camera for hours.

Brides choose their best friends as bridesmaids - or maybe younger girls from their family or friendship circle. I would much rather be a guest anyway.

You are not "the only one" not to have a role in their wedding. You are a guest. Please go and wish them well and have a lovely time. And please don't ask them why you are not a bridesmaid, that would be an embarrassing conversation.

You don't need empathy for making mountains out of a molehill!

I now question literally every interaction she and I have ever had in the decade we have known each other. 😢

But she’s asked to have your daughter as bridesmaid? I really can’t understand why you feel like that. It’d be very odd to have a mother and daughter both as bridesmaids - and she probably thought it would be lovely for you to see your daughter in that role. Presumably she’s expecting you to be there in the morning to help your daughter get ready and get her hair done etc. Please don’t let this upset you.

You don’t ask as it’s their decision. I suppose you could but l wouldn’t have those discussions with my fiancé’s sister. Their day = their way.

What role would you have liked? Have they allocated readings / prayers?

I agree with another posters comments about Insta are you worried about how you'll look on the day?

The "rules" seem to be whomever will look good in your Instagram pics
There are no rules whether you put them in quotations or not, she’s picked friends because presumably she is closer to them, it doesn’t matter if she’s known them less time. Maybe bitchy comments like this is why you’ve not been chosen? Alongside calling her family a mess for her fathers suicide attempt.

You haven't answered (I don't think) what role you thought you should be having?

You sound very over invested. Perhaps your behaviour and opinions are an issue and they are trying to keep you at arm's length. Either continue as you are and accept the consequences, or back off a bit.

You sound way over-invested. Questioning every transaction you've had with them? Accusing them of favouring Instagram? Honestly, you need to get a grip! You've been invited, your daughter is in the wedding party, why is this not enough? It's not about you, it's about them.