How do I ask why I'm not in the wedding party??

[Venturica]

This is my first time posting here and I'm really just looking for some advice.

My only brother gets married next year to his fiance who has been part of our family for the last decade she's Aunt to my only daughter and we see each other every other weekend for a family dinner.

Neither she nor my brother have communicated with me around details of the wedding I found out I wasn't going to be invited to be part of the wedding party when she mentioned that my daughter was to be a junior bridesmaid and she would have only two others (both of whom are her friends whom she has known about half the time she's known me.) She is estranged from her own sister so I understand why she is not part of the wedding party.

But I don't understand why when our cousin has been asked to be best man, my daughter is a junior bridesmaid and everyone else in our immediate close family has a role in their wedding I am a guest. Just a guest.

They have literally asked me to do nothing for their wedding. We get on really well, we are a family that spends time together Christmases, birthdays, weekends holidays.

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Literally cousins who the bride is never met and my brother hasn't seen in decades are guests at their wedding just like me.

It's probably silly to be so upset about this but I honestly don't know how to talk to them about it and tell them how upsetting this is.

I'm questioning every interaction she and I have ever had! Wondering if it's cause I'll ruin the Instagrammability of their wedding pictures! Or if this is a sign of things to come, will I not be allowed to see any future nieces of nephews? 😢😢

Were you expecting to be matron of honour? Do you think your brother is surprised that you are not?

I don't think it is reasonable for you to expect to be a bridesmaid. Especially if your 9yr old daughter is one too.

Like others have said, enjoy the day, enjoy being in your real life role as proud mum and happy sister and sister in law. Welcome your new SIL into your family,

Truthfully it didn’t even occur to me to ask my SIL to be bridesmaid. She’s a family member who I see mostly at MIL’s house, we get along but we aren’t best buddies, I wouldn’t confide in her about private things. Now wondering if she was offended not to be asked. I didn’t like to ask her to do other jobs because it seemed rude to say “you’re not a bridesmaid but please could you do all these jobs for me”. Perhaps that’s why they haven’t asked you to help with other stuff OP? Usually the matron of honour is the one who would help to organise stuff, that’s her role.

The positives are not having to arrange a hen night, choosing your own outfit and supporting your DD to have a special experience.

Even if they’d asked you to make some invitations, you still wouldn’t be in the wedding party?!

I’ve been to quite a few weddings where the daughter has been given a role in the wedding rather than the mum. If you had done something to offend them I don’t think they would have asked your dd.

How much help are other people doing? Your mum/dad/aunties etc? If they have been given loads to do and have turned down help from you there might be an underlying problem. But if no one else is doing much it might just be that your sil prefers to organise everything herself.

Your hypothetical conversation between SIL and your brother probably never happened. I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother hasn’t thought about it, let alone questioned it. I didn’t include my SILs in the wedding party (we are friendly but not close) and to be honest it didn’t occur to me that they might feel put out by it. My DH never mentioned it once!

I can understand why it feels like a snub, but based on your posts I don’t think it actually is.

It's not about you op. In the nicest possible way. Get over it. Just enjoy the wedding & be pleased your daughter is a bridesmaid. No drama.

As a bride, It is tradition to chose your own friends and family to be bridesmaids - not the grooms side.

I think it’s lovely she had asked your daughter to be a bridesmaid.

It’s better to be a guest anyway.

My only brother didn't have us either, just the youngest sister as that's what the bride wanted.
I was only 13/14 at the time and it did sting a little bit.

Ahh OP I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I think I'd be a little hurt too, and if that makes me ridiculous or full of my own self importance too, so be it!
I genuinely do think that it's all to do with the situation with her sister though, and that they probably would be mortified if they thought they'd genuinely upset you.
Hope you can manage to put the hurt behind you and enjoy what I'm sure will be lovely day 😊 xx

[quote Venturica]@Doghead aye, ye already done said that hon. Hakuna yer tatas[/quote]
😂😂 You really do have issues don't you. No wonder SIL doesn't want you involved....you sound like the family loony 😂

@Allwokedup 😘 thank you for the positive vibes.

I wouldn't have a sister in law as my bridesmaid who I saw every other weekend. I'd said bridesmaids are best friends. If you and sis in law became very close, ie best friends fair enough, but doesn't sound like you are. Family don't have to be included in wedding party. My mum was never included in her brothers wife's wedding party but when I was little I was flower girl. I think it's nice she's given your daughter a role.

@ChrissyPlummer fair play to you for stepping up and saving the day! I hope they appreciated your efforts 😘

All my siblings have married and I’ve never been part of the wedding party as detailed on this thread, but I have always felt involved as I am close to them. My DD have been bridesmaids each time too and I guess my role was to keep an eye on them, sit almost at the front of the church and to know the plan for the day and most the guests so I could chat to people and get groups mixing.
I have never been a bridesmaid as an adult and I’m happy with that as it means I get to choose my own outfit and don’t have to stand on display!

@Splann thank you for reviewing all the info, your response was really thorough and genuinely helpful. 😊

@Doghead there really is no winning with you is there. 🙄 you're a total charmer.

I can see why you're sad to be missed out, OP but would guess that it might be due to her estranged sister that she's having friends as bridesmaids rather than family. Depending on how they became estranged she might really feel her sister's absence on the day.

[quote Venturica]@Doghead do you generally find people receive insults as helpful criticism??

What possibly "roles" or "tasks" could I have helped with.

Wedding flowers (am trained florist)
Favours
Wedding invites
Table settings

I've offered (not too much, as I didn't want to seem pushy) but nothing has been accepted.

[/quote]
These aren't 'roles' of members of the wedding party, though. They're just jobs to be done.

There's a risk involved in giving jobs like this to friends/family. Maybe she didn't want to impose. Maybe she wanted to keep the floristry conversation totally professional and not risk your friendship. Maybe she isn't having favours or table settings.

Maybe your over-investment has been coming across and she wants to keep you at arm's length because she's finding it too much.

There is no genuine dilemma here. You feel what you feel, but you can take the opportunity to reframe how you've interpreted this. It doesn't have to be a snub. It doesn't have to be anything.

@KezzabellaB it's nice to know at least one person out there can see why it's upsetting.

taking the advice of this group I accept that I need to be happy for my DD and keep everything else in.

@Palavah thank you,

I kept a respectful distance from their plans and only offered help when the topic of the wedding came up naturally in conversation. The offers were never rejected, but also never taken up.

Honestly, most of the hurt feelings probably stem from not really knowing where I stand with them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

So I don't understand why I'm the only one who has no role in their wedding.

Ignore the nasty comments. This is nothing personal. You have a cute daughter. End of. Of course they will choose the little one instead of you - to maximise the ahhhhh moments at the wedding for one thing. Once you have a cute little daughter you NEVER get to be a bridesmaid again! Just one of life's rules.

Honestly, most of the hurt feelings probably stem from not really knowing where I stand with them.

At the risk of sounding like a crap cod psychologist, I think this is at the heart of the matter: do you think the whole wedding issue is symptomatic of this rather than the cause? I think most people on here can’t see anything objectively wrong in what has gone on with the wedding plans - what else is making you feel this way?

When I married first time my sister was one of my bridesmaid.
When I remarried. I had 2 bridesmaids - my 7 seven year old daughter and my sisters 7 year old daughter. Mind you I did have sister abs sil as witnesses.
Yiur dd being bridesmaid is fantastic. I'm sure they're not trying to push you out in anyway. Try not read into a snub that really isn't there. Enjoy the day.

I mean this kindly @Venturica - perhaps you shouldn't have asked the question if you didn't want to hear people's opinions. You do come across as a bit overinvested and with a clearly huffy attitude -perhaps that comes across more than you think in real life? I also fear if you've shared your feelings with your parents it might have been played back to your brother and his girlfriend. If you isolate your posts and read them back you seem unreasonable.

Your daughter is bridesmaid so you are involved. I'd just be happy I could turn up as a guest and relax. Is being a part of the wedding party a big thing in your family??