Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

[SilverDoublet]

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

I'd give up the ungrateful turd of a husband to be honest.

Give up the job? Absolutely not. It’s easy to work and look after kids if it’s for a few weeks or a month. Years on end? Not so much. Let us know how he is going a tear from now.

Your H sounds sexist and to consider your wishes and needs unimportant: that means it’s important that you continue to do paid work to reduce dependency on him. The DC will adapt.

DO NOT GIVE UP this job.
You will get quicker in time; don’t pressure yourself. I’m a big believer in needing something outside the house that’s just yours.
Plus your husband sounds like an arse so it’s useful to have your own income.
It’s good for everyone to not be able to rely on mum coming to the rescue all the time, teaches them to become a bit more independent and think for themselves a bit.

God he's a knob isn't he?

Keep the job! You need your own money.

First poster nailed it.

He told you to get a job and he’s now saying it’s the worst thing you ever did? I bet he’ll also have something negative to say if you give it up and you’ll be back to square one.

Seriously it is an investment in yourself. You will have your own money for things. It will give you independence and choices in future.

With a husband like that, you need financial independence. Don't give up your job and try to start squirrelling money away so you have options.

Play him at his own game... he's trying to prove he can do it all... Excellent!! Let him carry on and enjoy taking a break from it!! As he's coping so well it might be the perfect opportunity for you to tell him that you're taking up a hobby thanks to his superior coping skills

Is it good for the kids though? My youngest is 5, I feel like I've just abandoned him. My 8 year old has woken up every single night since I got the job, either having nightmares or being scared of the dark. She never used to do that, and my eldest never wants his friends to come over anymore when I'm not there. Only one of my kids seems to be ok with it.
I used to arrange playdates for them but now no one does. Just feel guilt all the time now.

Keep the job. Leave the husband.

Agree ( as often happens) with the first post !

No no no
Stay in the job
He is upset because he never expected you to go for it.

Let him be SuperDad for the next 7 years.
Make sure he ia doing an equal share of housework washing and cleaning and food shops etc all split
And paying 50/50 for any childcare.

If he is still SuperDad in 7 years you dont need to reorganise.

And push as much money as possible into your pension.

The children will adapt they have school and homework.

You have done your bit with no respect so stay in the job where other adults will recognise your contribution and pay you for it.

God, what an arse he is. He enjoyed feeling like the big man earning the money and belittling you by saying you were spending 'his' money. But it turns out he doesn't like it when you earn money. So now he can't accuse you of being a sponger, he has to find other ways of belittling you (by trying to make it look like you were shit at the other stuff).

This is not how someone who loves you (or even likes you) would treat you. Ypur kids will be fine (although watch out for him making sly remarks to them about mummy wanting to work instead of being with them - he sounds like just the kind of twat who wouldn't be above manipulating his dc to make you look bad).

Do not give up the job.

Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐 🥳 🎊
Go you getting a job in your field after all those years, you should be proud 👏 so should your kids and husband - they will be im sure they jist need to adjust!

My story SAHM for 15 years, I did do some cleaning (school hours) for family and 3 shifts a month in my local.
3 years ago I applied for an apprenticeship! I got it, I now have a qualification and a full time job 🤑
The adjustment was hell - DP still has to be reminded now at times to pull his weight, with childcare and housework. Kids need to be reminded to help out - charts and rewards have worked with my younger 2, eldest is 19 and working, so not so much motivated, he does pay his sisters to do his chores (he says he doesn't mind as it will help him budget for a cleaner when he moves out 🤐🤔)
They moaned, they kick off, they got over it.
They got used to you doing everything they can get unused to it, mine have with time.
I would never give it up now I have it, even with the tears and guilt trips they tried! We have the capacity to do so much more now, 3 years on like me you will know it was all worth it 👌

Keep the job, you may need it depending on your DHs works WFH policy regarding children!

Stay in the job. You'll need your financial independence when you leave your fuckwit husband.

And ditch the guilt. Your kids will adapt to the change and they will be fine.

I had a similar situation. Went from very part time to full time. It nearly destroyed my relationship and we’re only just balancing out nearly 3 years later. My partner took what I did for granted and didn’t realise the extent. We are still trying to find some balance and a lot still falls to me however I’m more confident in reflecting back now and ensuring I don’t carry the majority.

My DD struggled but we seem to have found a balance now

No way should you give up the job. Your husband and kids have had years of you spoiling and skivvying round them. Now time to is time to focus on you and use your skills, get your career back on track. He should have encouraged you back to work years ago! He sounds like right misogynist and your kids sounds spoilt!
And sorry, your 8 year old acting like a baby just because you have gone back to work is manipulative. Most 8 year olds have their mothers working!

Congratulations @SilverDoublet on your new job. You’ve done a wonderful thing giving all that time to your family and now it’s time for you 🩷

Your husband sounds horrible. If he continues to disrespect you I seriously think you should consider kicking him out. I suspect after the holidays he will be grateful for you tbh! What a shit.

best of luck to you. They should all learn some respect!!!
xxxx

He has made some remarks to me about how I 'got the job cos I hate the kids'. Which is absolute bs. I was completely drained being with them all the time. I was dreading another summer of having to be at home with them and trying to keep them entertained and get them out of the house every day while he went off to the office for 10 hours a day. He would never take time off to be with them, he was constantly saving his holidays for something else.

Children are a bit selfish by nature, they are also very adaptable, they will get used to the new routine and you can adjust things if you wish too once you're established in your role.
Your husband is... not a good husband at all. He has only his own interests at heart and probably wants the house slave (previous you) back but fuck that noise, he didn't appreciate it at all and still hasn't been humbled enough to grovel at your feet for your sacrifice.

Next time he complains remind him of how he treated you before, ask him why you would be stupid enough to go back to that and be treated like a skivvy with no pay, pension, time off.

He's a selfish cunt, stop putting him before yourself, get selfish back and make sure you start putting more of your wage in a pension or savings to make up for the time lost you devoted to your ungrateful family.

You’re not drained being with them all the time, you’re drained from having ZERO support from your husband!! You have a husband problem. Time to confront him about how he’s treating you and the family as optional and something he can dip in and out of when he wants.

Get through the summer - everyone is adapting to the change in family life.
But you need a family powwow towards the end of the holidays ready for the new school year. Basically you are staying in your job but everyone has to step up and help run the house, with you overseeing things. Make a rota for every day for everyone including your DH - it's a really valuable life lesson and helps them understand that there isn't a magic fairy to sort the house out.
Stick to your guns, because you have to win this fight......