Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

[SilverDoublet]

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

Huge congratulations. Well done you. Don't you dare give up the job either.

Don't give up the job.
Your nasty husband and ungrateful children have sadly been spoiled by you being their unpaid servant for years. Getting a job and insisting on your right to not have to be their servant is the best decision you ever made. Your children will learn to pull their weight soon. Your husband may take a little longer but he definitely doesn't deserve a live-in servant and his nasty comments about you 'spending his money' mean you cannot rely on him and may need financial independence sooner or later so your job is an absolute necessity.

Definitely keep the job, you might need the independence.

The kids will adjust, it's a big change but they are fine with the childminder.

Keep the job, see how it goes. If it doesn’t work it might be a springboard to a better job.

Also, the kids will get used to it. They are just adapting which is fair enough. Maybe explain to then that you needed to make your own money so that they know you aren’t avoiding them. Also explain that it’s normal and acceptable for mothers to work. They might need to actually have this stuff talked through with them for them to be supportive as it’s not “their normal” just yet.

@catbathat

did you not read the bit about OP really not being happy as a SAHP?

I'm not sure if this is the result of "gentle parenting" or not but to quit your job because your kids are unhappy you're not always there is ridiculous. Will these kids stay with you when they are older and starts having their own lives or will they go on their own ways and you will be left with what?

I'm not sure what's going on with them but they need to build more resilience, their reactions are not normal at all.

And your husband is an unsupportive idiot who is grinding you down to destroy whatever self confidence you have left. Being a woman doesn't mean your sole purpose in life is to be a mother and husband, you also have the right to your own dreams and goals. If you want to be a SAHM that's separate but to be stuck being a SAHM because your husband is an ass and your kids "can't cope" is ridiculous.

I went back to work after 8 years, previously I'd been the higher earner. I didn't realise just how much DH & DC took for granted that I did everything & did not like having to pull their weight.

There'll be an adjustment period, but keep at it. Do not quit! do not give in to the bullying. They'll either adjust, or you can ditch the husband!

Gosh yes unhappy mums are just the best thing for kids.

It’s brilliant that you’ve been able to get back into your field after that gap. Well done.

It sounds like it would be worth considering some other options, so maybe start having a look around at other positions and possibilities. The good news is that it’s far easier to sell your skills when you’re gainfully employed, than not. So whatever you do, don’t quit!

Things change with kids for all kinds of reasons. Around 9 one of mine went through a sudden fear and anxiety stage, worrying about burglars and house fires. They become more aware of the world around that age, and it sounds like your 8 year old might be going through a similar developmental phase. My sociable dd became much more conscious as a teen, happier to meet up and socialise but not inclined to bring friends home. These sort of things might happen even if you were a sahm.

Regardless of what you do, your dh doesn’t sound like he’ll be your cheerleader, so I think you need to prioritise yourself. Your MH was suffering at home. If you quit this job you may find it much, much harder to get back into your field again. Treat it as an investment in your future.

Transition periods are always tough, but you’ve done brilliantly so far. In a perfect world they’d all be cheering you on. And one day your dc will be looking back and describing this as their inspiration. But for now try and find a way to tune out the grumbling.

This. I retrained when my older DC was 7. Neither child was very pleased with the idea that I wouldn't be at their beck and call any more, but I explained the choice was bored Mum at home or interested and excited Mum who might not always be there to collect them from school. They understood.

I think if you both insist on working, you need to organise proper childcare for the children. It isn't fair onyoung children especially the 5 year old to be cared for by someone who is simultaneously doing a full time job. I mean, what are they actually doing all day? Your 8 year old is having nightmares e efy night. Your problem was your dh not appreciating your contribution and that's what you need to sort out. At the moment your dc are the ones sacrificing their happiness for yours.

You’ve already done the hard part in getting back into the workforce! Well done you!
The kids will get used to it in time and may actually appreciate you more when you are around.
Your husband doesn’t like it because you have some freedom at last, and choices.

Of course he is terrible. Only a horrible man would tell his wife that she only got the job because she hates her kids. Ask him whether that means that he hates his kids too as he has a job too.

He complained about you spending 'his' money and told you to get a job and now you have, he is telling you that it is the worst thing you have ever done.

Why aren't you absolutely furious? Your kids will get used to you working. Most families need both parents to work to pay the mortage and bills. If you give up your job, he will go back to complaining about you spending his money because he is objectively a horrible person.

I'd also be re-considering my marriage and making plans to leave him. You seem quite resigned and accepting of his awful behaviour towards you.

If you give up the job now, you'll be signing up as his domestic skivvy and living on his begrudging handouts for the rest of your life. Plus you'll produce four bone-idle teenagers who expect to be waited on hand and foot, who at 18 don't know how to use a washing machine or cook themselves a frozen pizza.

Absolutely do not stop work. Tell him briskly that you aren't giving up work, that he's had a house keeper and nanny for long enough and you are entitled to a life outside the home too.

He'll soon get used to it. And if he doesn't, dump him. The comments about 'his money' and suggesting you hate the dcs would put him on very thin ice with me anyway. He clearly doesn't regard you both as a team, or care a jot about your feelings.

Do the children now go to ASC? That is essentially a glorified play date. They race around in a little tribe letting off steam, doing activities and socialising. My ds used to love it. Your dcs will settle, honestly. Give them time.

Saving your sanity and boosting your financial independence is a priority.

So she should give up her job and her husband can go back to accuse her of 'spending his money'? She's just going back to work part-time, she hasn't abandoned her children. Most children live in families with two working parents.

No comment to make about her husband's horrible behaviour?

No they don't go anywhere now during school term. They walk home with a childminder. She is with them for 4 hours til I get home. They don't like it, but it's 3 days a week, my husband works from home with them 1 day a week and I have Fridays off.

im going to go against the grain. I think if it’s FT your kids will start resenting you for not being around, your 5 year old especially is gonna grow up with a basically absent mother

I would only do PT right now- especially if your H is already doing FT. Your 5 year old will remember more about the childminder than his own mum

Totally agree.

Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did.

Well that's quite contradictory, so you know he's being ridiculous. Since he's excelling at something you were terrible at, however, let him continue to shine.

I'm sorry the children are struggling with the changes, but allow some time for them to adjust. Please also allow yourself some grace at work. It's a job your employer thinks you're capable of, so you'll pick up speed. For now it may be worth focusing on quality.
You don't need the money so progression can come once you and the children are more settled.

I could have written your post.

if you don’t need the money, reduce the number of rid hours you work so you get the best of both worlds. That’s what I did

Your husband sounds horrible, unfortunately it sounds like you are stuck with him, what a life.

Fuck no… don’t give it up. Tell him you didn’t take the job because you hate the kids, but because you’re beginning to hate him as much as he obviously hates you. Exit stage left.

Keep the job, build your confidence and your savings. Think about whether you want to keep this marriage.

My mum was SAHM after having my sister for about 5yrs. So I was 6-11. I remember when she got her first job after that and I remember hating it. I encouraged her but I remember thinking I hated the disruption to our routine. Then, mum was able to surprise us with a family holiday abroad. One of 2 we had as a family of 4, and she made it clear that’s what going to work had enabled my parents to do. We understood it more then.
I’m not sure your children understand any of the upside of your job, and your DH isn’t doing anything to help with that.
Does his employer know he’s working from home & full time child minding? I always say it’s not possible to do both of those effectively, one gets neglected… let’s see how he feels at the end of the holidays.

He's going to work from home 3 days a week while caring for 4 children?

My prediction here will they will be extremely irate when you get home, the house will be a mess and your husband will blame it all on you. He will drip poison in them about how its all your fault (likes he already doing).

SAHPs are good for children if there is a supportive partner. You haven't got that.