Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

[SilverDoublet]

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

Stick at it. Never ever give up your financial independence….

DO NOT give up the job.

Does your husband have any redeeming features?
Does he respect you at all?

Fuck me women just can’t win can they?

I was a selfish child too but now I really wish my mum had looked after herself career-wise better. Because my dad is a tosser and she is so dependent on him even now we are all grown.

health and financial independence are crucial. Husbands aren’t.

Like hell would I give up the job. Your husband sounds like a dick . I’d want to be financially independent so I could walk away from him in the future.

Your kids are adjusting- they will all be fine. Plenty of children are in nursery much younger. Yes it’s going to be hard and I’m guessing the older ones are much more vocal about it as they no longer have their personal driver to run them to this activity and that activity.

you are setting a good example that mums can go back
to work and financial independence- which it sounds like you need. When your not so DH complains I would point out “it was always the plan for me to return to work” or “I want to contribute financially so it doesn’t all fall to you”.

He's not going to be happy whatever you choose because he's abusive - so just choose whatever makes you most happy & ignore his shit comments.

No, you did not abandon your children. The youngest is 5. School will start again and things will be different.

But if your DH is currently the one "working from home while minding the kids over the summer" I would be wondering whether he was providing adequate care...

I used to arrange playdates for them but now no one does. Sounds like your DH needs to step up. He's the one failing you and your DC if he isn't!

Massive congratulations on getting the job! You must keep it. You DH's behaviour has highlighted exactly what he thinks of you.

Off the point, but did I read correctly that your DH is minding the kids all summer whilst working? How will that work?

If your children are showing signs that the change has disturbed them it is not about you going back to work. It is probably because their dad is not the pushover that you were and they can’t refuse to help him as they did with you. Their life of leisure has come to an end. They will all get used to it. You would be mad to give up this job. Once you get back into your stride you are going to be sooo happy and find a renewed self respect. Make sure you save as much as you can. Good luck!

He is now being paid almost double what I'm on, so financially it doesn't make sense for him to cut back his hours. We were on the same salary when I first became a SAHM.

Would it help if you or your DH sort better summer childcare, at least for the little ones than being ignored by their dad while he works from home?

But mostly I agree with others, the problem is that your husband doesn’t value you and actively tries to make you feel bad about yourself whatever you do. The solution to that problem is not to go back to being everyone’s doormat with no income of your own.

I would be tempted to tell it to him straight and give him a chance to redeem himself, as it’s possible he’s just lazy and thoughtless rather than actively abusive. If he doubles down and won’t accept that he’s got to stop talking to you like crap, I would start making plans to leave him, because life with him will always feel miserable and you don’t deserve that.

You say the money isn’t that important, but the rest of it is. You need to maintain your sanity and self respect.

I’m having similar issues at the moment. I’m working 31 hours in 2 jobs and doing all the house and kids as DH works long hours and travels. I’m in the process of asking for a flexible working arrangement with one job.

You need to ask your employer to reduce your hours a bit so you can work p/t and then no one can justifiably moan.

I think the happiest mums are those who work p/t, know they can up it if needed, firmly keep their hand in work, still do stuff at home/ kids and have a bit of time for hobbies.

Oh ffs do not give up your job. Change isn’t necessarily bad, it is just change and it takes time to get used to it. I would personally put the dc in holiday club even if it took up all of my new wage for the summer to give you all a break.

Unless you have independent wealth you are making yourself extremely vulnerable as a sahm to the whims of your husband and he doesn’t sound like the kind of person who should have that level of power over you.

Definitely don’t give up your job! The children will adjust and your husband will just have to get over it. If working improves your life and you enjoy it, keep it!

Never give up your financial independence. My gran told me that when I was 15.
My cousin was also told by her shit husband that she didn´t need to work as he was earning SO much money. Then the abuse started, not physical, it was psychological. She had a lot of trouble because she was not financially independent and had 3 kids. She finally got a job as a trainer in the sport she had been a champion in and didn´t look back. Her advice to her two daughters? The same my gran gave me. Keep at it, I think you may need it in the future.

That’s a horrible thing to say. I would have a very serious conversation with him about this kind of language.

To be honest you need to hang on the job as if this is how your husband speaks to and about you, you may end up needing the income

Keep the job. Get rid of the controlling, abusive husband. Really.

As much as I would say you need to ensure he starts getting involved in the life admin so it all doesn’t fall on you, you also need to find some balance this summer for the kids benefit.

In our house post me going back FT, we divide the holidays. Dad is responsible for Mon/Tue and Mum is responsible for Thur/Fri with Wednesdays at grandparents or split. Sometimes we split full weeks. Either way we draw a calendar up and stick it to the wall. Everyone, especially DD, knows what’s happening. My DD knows we do field trip Friday and Thursday has another theme but calmer. She knows when I’ve booked holiday clubs - there’s some really awesome experiences nowadays so don’t feel bad about utilising them! Show the kids that mums extra money can give great experiences, even in the shape of holiday clubs. List some fun ideas for you all to tick off this summer, doesn’t need to be complex, could be just as easy as fruit picking or finding a new play park.

Then leave Dad to sort his days. The kids know that even though you’re working, you’re still giving them amazing times and experiences either with you or at club. They will also indirectly realise that Dad may not be and it should hopefully lead to Dad sorting it out for the next holidays. Not just that, but you are teaching them whether they are boys or girls, that both parents are equally responsible

@SilverDoublet if you had come on and asked about giving up your role on the basis that you didn’t need to work financially, had a supportive and loving husband I might have said give it up and enjoy another couple of years at home. Or go very part time in a job that fits around school.

However, I think it’s a blessing you’ve secured this job - can’t you see that the job isn’t the issue here? It’s your husband. He wasn’t happy when you were at home, he’s not happy when you are working. Surely you can see that it is him that is the issue and not you?

My views -

Your husband doesn’t make your children feel safe. Why would two children find it so difficult to adapt to being cared for by their dad?!

The play dates - organise them on your day off.

Speak to your kids about how positive it is you’ve got a job. Keep this narrative up.

And, honestly, find a way to leave your husband - this is no way to live.

OP - I suspected before you mentioned it that he has made unsupportive remarks to the children. You may want to talk one to one with each child and explain to them that you love them and that dad is just expressing his frustration at change rather than the truth. And that it is normal to work. They must have lots of classmates or friends in similar circumstances.

Work: It is more than take home pay. It is also retirement contributions (had your husband been putting money aside for each of your year as a SAHM?), security and career progression (and sanity).

I'm concerned that you seem to have normalised how he speaks to you. The lack of respect for you contributing either as a SAHM or working to bring in a financial contribution just smacks of controlling behaviour. I would keep the job because anything that gives you that bit of independance seems like a very sensible decision.

First post nailed it!

You sound amazing.

He sounds so much like my ex. Do not give up this job. It’s

She’s only working 32 hours a week, not working away on an oil rig. How is that “basically absent”?