Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

[SilverDoublet]

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

Keep the job, ditch the husband.

Keep the job op, it’s early days. Say to your dh you should have done this ages ago. when he says stuff about you don’t like the kids say I firmly and coldly I have NEVER badmouthed you to our children and I hope you’re very careful that they never ever hear you say anything like that, or we will have to talk about a lot more than my job. I adore the kids but it’s true I was unhappy as the household slave. You could have fixed that by doing more, many husbands do, but you couldn’t be arsed. You’re stepping up now and it’s great.

Say firmly to the kids lots of families have two working parents and you’ll appreciate it one day, I love you very much.

dh and I are full time. We flex as much as we can but it’s hard to flex at the start. Reassure the kids, remember lots and lots of people do this, and repeat as often as needed to your dh if only you’d been there for me while I was so unhappy, but here we are.

How nasty is your husband?
You must keep the job as other posters have said.
Is it good for the kids though? My youngest is 5, I feel like I've just abandoned him. My 8 year old has woken up every single night since I got the job, either having nightmares or being scared of the dark. She never used to do that, and my eldest never wants his friends to come over anymore when I'm not there. Only one of my kids seems to be ok with it
They are just transitioning and processing the change.
Anyway its good for your dd to see you have your own money and be something other than 'mum' who does everything for everyone. It'll settle down
I bet nearly all their friends mums work anyway.

Someone used the word adapting and that’s what this is. My kids hated me working until they saw me buying extra bits and pieces with me saying how great it was we could treat ourselves, and also I told them I loved work because you train after school for something and it’s good to feel you’re earning and paying taxes etc.

I would say don’t leave your job- which is worse, your dh talking about his money and so IiI having none, or now? Option two is safer. I’ll be honest, I was a sahm but after being in nearly a mirror image of your situation, jokes about my financial contributions etc, I’d never ever ever go back. Every human being should have the option of financial independence x It’s tough op, if you can talk to your dh without it being an argument I’d be telling him this isn’t meant to be a competition, and has he forgotten you’re meant to be a team?

The kids will adjust to their new normal.

And your husband will have to!

This is what jumped out at me too. Keep the job. Maybe someone there will treat you as an actual human being, with inherent dignity and worth.

There is no reason that all chores should have fallen on you, even when you were a SAHP. I think you being out a bit could be a healthy reset for the whole family. Your DH sounds maybe irredeemably disrespectful (he doesn’t even want to hear about how work is going?! That’s rude even for a casual acquaintance, let alone a life partner!) but there may still be hope for your children!

Your children are picking up clues from his shitty attitude and respond accordingly.

I realise you think “he is actually not that terrible”, but refusing to take time off to mind his own children is pretty terrible in my book.

If you leave him he will HAVE to mind them at least two days a week. Giving you time to put in the hours and progress in your job, and your children will benefit from more quality with their father.

Alternatively, he could just decide to pick up the rope and become a decent husband and father now…

As everyone else has said, Keep your job, they will adjust. So everyone wants to go about living their lives and not be inconvenience d??!!. Nah don't think so. You don't know what can happen in the future you may depend on your job.

Get rid of husband

Your problem is your husband. This is what needs dealing with.

He was not satisfied when you were at home and he is now not satisfied when you are working.

He is not a team player. I am so sorry that you are with such a weak and selfish man.

Your H is a complete cunt, keep the job, it will be good for him ,to realise how much you did do, let him do it himself, instead of continuously putting you down.
You will be criticised by him, no matter what you do, he likes the power of putting you down. He’s saying, you hate the kids, deliberately in order to shame you into giving up work. If you did give it up, he will shame you and say you couldn’t hack it, then expect you to be on your hand and knees in gratitude, if he gives you an extra fiver!

Keep the job and your dcs will get used to it.

perhaps suggest to your dh that him trying to do it all and work isn’t great, does he want to look at booking the kids in with the childminder some days? Or summer camps? Can you afford a cleaner once a week to help out?

give it 6 months at least.

I loved having a mum who had a job. I was so proud of her. One of my most exciting days ever was visiting her at the office aged 11. It’s an underrated good thing you can do for your kids, for them to see you get up and go to work every day. Your kids will adapt; talk to them about your work, getting used to it again, doing something that isn’t easy. Put your best foot forward.

His attitude is all the more reason to stay in that job. It might come in very handy in the future.

your 8 year old waking up with nightmares so much is a bit worrying - are you able to talk to them and find the route of the issue? i dont want to jump to the worst conclusions, but maybe with you at home less, and your husband at home more, they might be being abused :/

Keep the job, leave the husband.
Honestly he sounds like an absolute twat.
Bet the kids are unsettled because of the obvious tension. Not by you going back to work.
I was a SAHM for 10 years and have recently returned to work. I have 3 kids aged 10, 7 and 1. None of them have been effected by my return to work as I have a loving genuinely supportive and respectful husband who never in a million years would accuse me of 'abandoning my kids' And when he's caring for them he actually cares for them.. arranges playdates, goes to their school stuff, takes them to the park.

Please don't leave your job because you don't want to be reliant on someone you can't actually rely on.
I know you have 4 young children so may not be able to leave him right now but personally I'd be setting up a savings account and saving some money each month so that you can build up enough to eventually leave him when the kids are a couple of years older.
You must not feel guilty, it's not you whose acting like an utter dick here.
You do best to protect your children by actually having self esteem and strength and not just taking this kind of crap forever.

Ignoring everything else, can you afford not to work?

Consider just your personal pension for example. How much is in it? How much have you put into it since being a SAHM? I’m assuming after 4 kids, you’re probably in the 35-50 range, so your pension should be a solid 6 figure sum by now if you want to retire in your 60s. Is that the case?

If not, then you need to work. Don’t make the mistake of being the unappreciated house skivvy, whose toilet has never been cleaned by anyone but you and whose kids grow up, leave, and THEN you have to find work, because your DH has a pension, but you don’t and he doesn’t plan to share.

With the cost of living as it is, I’m surprised a family with four kids can support itself and save effectively for financial security in the future (four lots of uni fees, help with weddings, first homes and emergencies) without both parents working.

I'm going against the grain here and I think having a mum there with the time and energy for them, will provide your children with a sense of stability and other benefits that will set them up for life. Especially as your kids seem to be very unsettled with you working.

"Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes."

Don't be an idiot. He could divorce you tomorrow.

Women always earn less than men --unless you're in the top echelon, none of us are.

Yep.

Seriously tell him to get a grip it's good for your mental health.

Many children have parents who work it's how the world turns these days.

Honestly, he just sounds worse and worse !! Saying you got a job because you hate your own kids, when you clearly love them to bits. That’s just horrible of him.

please don’t listen to him! Listen to us.

well done on getting the job. Keep the job!! Your children will adapt. They are not too young .

Your husband is a selfish arsehole. If he was supporting you and backing you, you wouldn’t be feeling this level of guilt.

Your husband is a narcissist who is emotionally and financially abusing you.
do not under any circumstances give up your job. ESPECIALLY for the kids sake. You will need it down the line when you see him for what he is. Start savings. Private savings with YOUR money. Hide some away for a rainy day either in an account, or with friends or under a floorboard, doesn’t matter, just make sure you start to have your own independent cash for emergencies down the line.

I think you need to bed down the job over the summer months and be super organised for when school resumes. One thing you don’t mention is money. If you are creating the ability to save for the family’s future and plan holidays, pay down the mortgage a bit, etc, that’s a huge contribution to the household security. I suspect his negativity is causing contagious reaction, and you have to find a way to shut that down. I wouldn’t LTB but I would plan a sit down to talk about joint planning for when you’re both going to take holidays, share the housework, budget in a takeaway or Sunday lunch out once a fortnight, and make it clear this is a longterm thing.

Wow huge congratulations first for getting the job after a big gap! That’s really impressive and brilliant. Please don’t give it up. I think you need it and it shifts the power balance so you have options. He sounds sadly like a lot of entitled, selfish, centre of the universe men. But when you have a job, you know you can leave if you need to. That is priceless .