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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

193 replies

SilverDoublet · 21/07/2025 19:01

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 21/07/2025 19:43

Husband sounds a dick and I’d stick with the job as you’ll need it when you’re divorced. Kids get used to the status quo but they’re also adaptable. They’re probably picking up on your own mixed feelings about it.

I got divorced a couple of years ago (not my choice - I was left for someone else) and after years of putting my career on the back burner to support my wife’s big career, I’ve got a new job and it’s going great. I can see my own potential finally and it’s been a revelation. Don’t sell yourself short in service to your family - they won’t thank you or respect you for it.

OneBrightMorning · 21/07/2025 19:46

Don't give up your job, whatever you do! In all likelihood your children will adjust to your working. And they may actually be reacting to the tension in the house more than to your job.

Your husband sounds terrible. I'm not usually one to leap immediately to LTB. But in this case, that may be the best option by far.

HuskyNew · 21/07/2025 19:52

Your husband sounds terrible. Abusive.

As everyone else says, keep the job and ditch him. An 8 year old will see most of their friends parents working. I suspect being left with their Dad and his overall nice comments is more driving their anxiety.

I would seriously NOT leave them all with him while he WFH over the summer. That’s going to be a shit holiday for them and he will be there blaming you at every stage. Not good to him him that much influence and time with them.
Get fun childcare and annual leave sorted instead.

Ponderingwindow · 21/07/2025 19:56

Any man who utters the words “his money” or “‘my money” while his wife is enabling his work by managing the children should not be trusted as the partner of a SAHM.

Don’t give up you job. Don’t let him force you to put your career second. He should never be trusted to take care of you financially.

LittlleMy · 21/07/2025 20:01

What an ungrateful petty husband you have OP. Your post made me so angry. Congrats on getting your job especially given how increasingly competitive it is out there. Have you seen how many threads frequently come up here where mums are struggling to find suitable work and hours? And you’ve done it! You obviously are not slow or ineffective then and as everyone said, you’ll keep improving until who knows a promotion?!

Children are very resilient and will adapt. Thing is your DH sounds exactly the type of man why you need to get your financial independence. You need to start building a pension pot and putting away savings for your own ‘personal rainy day’ as it were and start becoming a whole person again - yes you’re a mum and always will be but unless you want to be, don’t allow anyone - least of all your unsupportive DH to force you to be forever defined by it.

Cherrytree86 · 21/07/2025 20:15

@SilverDoublet

your husband is a prick.

your kids will adapt.

dont give up your job whatever you do.

bellocchild · 21/07/2025 20:16

The children will adjust - providing no-one encourages them to blame mummy for Not Being There any more. Be kind and positive, and don't feel guilty.

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/07/2025 20:32

So you feel guilty your kids are missing out because your DH is not actually covering everything you used to do? Why does he work, is it because he hates his children? Keep calm, the job will get easier, your DC will get older and used to you working.

Andtheworldwentwhite · 21/07/2025 20:37

Don’t u dare give up ur job. They will all cope. They are just used to be waited on.

Original poster
SilverDoublet · 21/07/2025 20:46

OneBrightMorning · 21/07/2025 19:46

Don't give up your job, whatever you do! In all likelihood your children will adjust to your working. And they may actually be reacting to the tension in the house more than to your job.

Your husband sounds terrible. I'm not usually one to leap immediately to LTB. But in this case, that may be the best option by far.

Well he is having to do a lot more since I got the job. He's making all the lunches and dinners now 4 days a week. He's actually not terrible. But it seems like I have it easy in comparison to him now, as he won't take time off to mind the kids...
My job is fast paced with a culture of long hours and overtime, which I havn't been able to do, as I have to get back to the children. So I can't even see that I can progress when everyone is putting in overtime except me...

OP posts:
tostaky · 21/07/2025 20:58

Keep your job! And look for a new one if you are unhappy in 6 months time!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2025 20:59

"... while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. "

So basically you were not treated as wife and mother, but as servant and housekeeper? Dear God! Do NOT give up the job - your family need it almost as much as you do. They need the reminder that you are a person too.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 21/07/2025 21:07

Keep this job, go for a promotion, max your pension.

Worth thinking ahead to start of Sept term what will work, not work, for support. eg a cleaner, online food shopping, kids picking up tasks etc.

MotherOfRatios · 21/07/2025 21:12

Keep the job especially if you have children who are boys it shows them that women can work and are more than a housewife it can really help shape their narratives.

Your husband does sound sexist tbh

Hsmith11 · 21/07/2025 21:16

Listen to @JudgeBread- perfect advice.

MimiSunshine · 21/07/2025 21:16

I’ve always worked. My children would still happily have me not work and spend all of my time with them even though they’re at school,

they just like the idea that I’d be at home. Your children will get used to it.

the one who’s walking up and having nightmares, isn’t because you’re working. It’s because her dad isn’t being nice to her mum and making the atmosphere unpleasant. She’s picking up on it.

Decinodo not give in to a man who moaned at you for spending ‘his’ money. Let him crack on, drop the rope and see how he enjoys his summer.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/07/2025 21:20

Keep the job. It will get better.

The DC are struggling to adjust because your H is being an arse. He needs to stop.

Think about getting a cleaner and also introducing some fun new traditions. We do family chocolate night on Fridays where each week we all take turns in choosing a block of chocolate to share. Continue to be positive about it. The kids will get on board

Wreckedtired · 21/07/2025 21:21

Stay with the job. The children will adjust, he may not but at least you will have your job and options. I stayed home for 7 years with my children and went back to work 8 years ago. They hated Creche, hated me working, I hated being on a constant hamster wheel. My husband was supportive but didn’t really get the pressure, stress and guilt. I still think I did the heavy lifting with regard to the house/children. 8 years on, I out earn my husband and can still go further if I wish. He is not a low earner. My point being you will get back in the swing of it, the kids will get older and used to it, you will have your job that will give you freedom.

autienotnaughty · 21/07/2025 21:28

If he makes a comment about you hating the kids say “why is that why you work?” If he comments about you working say “ahh are you realising it’s not totally easy doing the home stuff. “
callhim out everytime.

he doesn’t sound very nice, if he loves you why would he want you to feel guilty , ? Guilty for not earning, guilty for working, you can’t win.
stay working the kids will adjust and it’s important to keep your independence, you are role modelling to your kids to work hard and not be dependent on a partner.

HiRen · 21/07/2025 21:40

I will preface by saying that I'm financially secure independently of my DH, and always will be, and I only have 2 DC.

Unless you love your job or aren't financially secure, honestly I wouldn't bother working. You don't sound like you have the sort of DH who would do what needs to be done to keep family life ticking over smoothly and happily with two working parents of 4 kids. Maybe he will adjust, but if he doesn't I reckon you'll just end up doing it all rather than having it all. It'll be shitty and home, shitty and work and you will just vanish between the two.

That said, the best course, and one that needs to be taken whatever you do, is for your four children and your husband to stop taking you for a house maid, PA, chauffeur, dogsbody etc there to facilitate their lives without regard for you. You don't need to go out to work to prove your worth. You had worth before you got this job. You should have been valued and respected for everything you did for everyone to her own detriment.

If you can get that into their heads, you'll be able to make a better decision about whether or not to continue working. Honestly, I'd stay in the job for a whole year anyway, as that may be the only way all 5 of them understand exactly what they had in you being at home for them 24/7. They need to feel the pain, just like you did.

Sally2791 · 21/07/2025 21:46

Definitely keep the job! Be strong. Your H is an arse.

orangewasp · 21/07/2025 21:54

I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer)

Ha ha - come back in Sept and let us know how cocky he is then.

Don't give up your job to be an unpaid and unappreciated slave in your own home. Your kids will adapt and be fine.

Luckyingame · 21/07/2025 22:09

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 21/07/2025 19:11

Keep the job. Leave the husband.

Yes.
The kids will be alright.
Good example to them, as well.

OnceIn · 21/07/2025 22:14

No! DO NOT give up your job. Your dh sounds like a twat and was used to you being the family skivvy and he’s pissed he’s having to pull his weight. Re the dc, they will be fine.

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 22:15

JudgeBread · 21/07/2025 19:02

I'd give up the ungrateful turd of a husband to be honest.

This.

My dh is my biggest supporter.
I'd double down on the job just as a fuck you

Also Your kids are 💯 picking up on your husbands shithouse attitude.

The other day I watched my 3 yr old feed her doll doll then plop her in the pram and stroll her over to daddy. she gave the doll a kiss and told her she was "going to go to work in the big city but would be home for dinner" she then told my husband to have cheese and ma-to pizza ready for her later 😅