Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

[SilverDoublet]

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

I went back to work ten days after my first DC and three years after the second.

I don't have a manual job so it was OK.
My DH does the bulk of the household chores.His mother trained him well! I cook. I am usually the higher earner because I commute into London.
We had a Manny, you have a child minder. It's fine. Are you working four days or key hours? I didn't work Fridays and that was fun day when my DC were small. Pick up and drop off plus pizza.
Neither has suffered trauma. They are both money making machines as adults. My earning capacity went down with a life limiting illness and they stepped up.
You say you have a 19 year old son? He can help a bit. It's an equal world.
My mother got the biggest job of her career when I was 7, my brother 4. We were so proud of her. There were four of us. We loved her new car and her glamour. Don't underestimate good role models for your daughter.
I work in Paris and it is quite unheard of for professional women not to work. It's thought unsophisticated.
Your husband's an arse.

So you're at home with them all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. After work on the other days. Your husband is with them on one full day at home. So why on earth do you think you should give up your career, your pension to stay at home dependent on a man who does not respect you?

Whatever you do do not give up the job. Your kids are very well looked after. And don't need you there all the time.

Your kids will adjust to it. I wouldn’t give up the job - even if it’s taking a while to get used to and you can’t put in any overtime etc it will still put you in a much better position to continue your career once the kids are older. If you leave now it will be even harder to continue later. Plus if you have a husband that acts negatively about you not working and then acts negatively about you getting a job then it’s probably a good idea to have a career and your own money. If you were finding it overwhelming being the sole caregiver before then it might actually help you be a better parent if you are less stressed and have your own identity separate from your children/husband.

This is such terrible advice. I had a mum who sacrificed her own happiness to be a SAHP because she assumed that it was the best thing for us. It was damaging for all of us, and I sincerely wished that she had gone out to work instead.

Ridiculous post. Working mothers are not "absent mothers". It's sad that some women are still keen to peddle this kind of nonsense.

All the more reason to stick with it to be frank. At least for 12 months so you have a foothold into a different role that doesn't have the same long hours culture.

Everyone will get used to it. Book the kids into camps and activities so they are pleasantly tired by the time they get to a normal school day end. Most working parents duck off for 30 mins in the afternoon to bring kids home so your husband will be fine. They can watch a bit of tv and unwind before dinner.

You are doing a 4 day week and have Friday's off. That's a great opportunity to do playdates and activities even with 4. Meet ups at trampoline venues, country walks with geo caching etc etc. With a network of other parents you can presumably divide and conquer a bit.

But you do need to get to Friday and make it a fun day otherwise what's the point of working. How much other crap can be done so that you are not spending Friday cleaning the house in the holidays at least? Can you make 8am to 10am a cleaning blitz with the kids so that you can all get out and go for a treat somewhere?

If your husband [who at best is sounding pretty whiny, at worst is being a passive aggressive dick who wants you under his thumb, only you will know] is doing substantially more at home and a 5 day week then how do you both carve out some personal time off, some time with the kids and the time to do the necessary sh*te that's needed at home. What can be outsourced if needs be? If you are both working things need to change more generally if funds allow.

I'm not clear if the childminder is at your house or they are at hers? but presumably the kids have done their homework and had a decent evening meal on those 3 days? Which frankly is a cracking outcome by 7pm if you only need to walk in the door and do bath and bedtime with the little ones. Is an au pair feasible/desirable ?

Let your husband do the martyr bit. It will wear off and he'll be more amenable to food boxes, a cleaner and whatever else will make life easier come the autumn. Give lots of praise in front of the kids. You do know it's hard work so acknowledge that.

Don't give up the job. You've done amazingly well to walk straight into one especially in the current economy. Leaving now will look terrible on your CV. It is hard and a juggle but you will also get used to it.

Wouldn't surprise me if he's still making sly comments to the kids about you. Have to say I'm surprised he has stepped up with making lunches. Usually the man is completely incompetent

OP’a job isn’t just about the money though. It’s about autonomy and respect. He has no intention of acknowledging any contribution she puts in.

That is even more incentive for him to go part-time. He's had his opportunity to progress his career and now's it's your opportunity. By the time your children grow up you could be on the same or hopefully more than him which would help with uni costs etc.

Agree with most PPs: your problem is your H who sounds toxic.

SAHMs and WOHMs bring different things to the table. Your DCs will get used to you working and the role-modelling of being a financially independent woman with interests outside the home is very positive for both female and male children.

Both DH and I had periods of working 4 days when DCs were very little and then both full-time once they were at school.

We had plenty of together time with evenings, weekends and holidays together. We arranged play-dates and attended school events and managed household needs and life admin while working. It’s perfectly doable.

You have had many comments about your DH being an arse, not valuing you and actively trying to belittle you but haven’t addressed this directly in your responses. What’s your take on this?

Yes you DO need the money. It's YOUR money, to use as you wish. Personally I'd be putting as much of it as possible into a good pension, (much more than the minimum, as you've missed so many years) or you're still going to be controlled all your life.

Well we had a big argument at the weekend, so considering my options at the moment. He's probably better than a lot of men, in that he does actually cook when left to it and he likes grocery shopping. But those are the only things he does really.

Many men like going to the market and indulging their inner Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen….. but how often does he clean the loo? Doing the shopping also gives him a level of control…

Honestly if cooking and occasionally doing groceries is how low your standards are, you’re better off being single and ordering Door Dash and Hello Fresh.

Op I agree with this^^

Your dh sounds so unsupportive and disrespectful, like the kids are just your project alone! And you deserve better op.

He basically had you where he wanted you, or got used to you being at home doing all of the domestic stuff, and this is your first strike back for independence and he is naturally kicking off. Please stay strong and don’t allow him to undermine you and keep insisting that he steps up.

Many congratulations on getting your new position btw! You should be so proud of yourself! Fwiw, I for one am cheering you on from afar. Please don’t give up this opportunity!

As you say, you and your dh both earned the same salary until you became parents. And he had more than a hand in creating four children too! Therefore, it shouldn’t just be you that takes the hit.

Do you have a joint house-keeping account?
The first thing you should do is hire a good cleaner. And maybe hire an active grandmother type very local to you to bridge some of the gaps or for emergencies.

You can do this op! Don’t let your dh grind you down!

You became a sahm by default, and it sounds as if you and he didn’t have a discussion about this as a family to discuss your joint strategy. Unless he is prepared to look at things this way, then you may have to rethink your relationship.

I meant to add to my post that one of the best things a mother can do for their dc is to make sure that they are fulfilled and happy themselves!

Being out of paid work for years has pros and cons, among the main cons being the SAHM’s personal earning ability, financial independence, pension etc.

An H who behaves and has attitudes like this isn’t a safe bet to rely on and to be fair about these things in the relationship and in the event of divorce.

Sadly that means SAH is an especially high risk option for you.