Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

[SilverDoublet]

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

That’s completely appalling, I just want to say I’ve been SAHM for over a decade and cannot get an interview never mind a job. I feel like such a skivvy. It’s bad for the ego - you’ve done amazingly well to get a job - hang onto it for dear life.

Don’t give up the job, especially since your DH throws the “his money” stuff in your face.

Kids will get used to it.

I’m SAHM, Dh still pitches in when he’s at home and there has never been an issue about money.

Please don't. Stop and think about this, think about what you'd say to a friend.

I had not dissimilar, though I always worked, but part time. But I worked school hours so always did it all. When I took a job 4 days, but was home later, there was a backlash from both Dh and the ds's. So I called them out on it. It's it strange I said how you never appreciated me when I ... but now I'm . They all insisted it wasn't true and that they had all appreciated it before.

You can prep dinners, then pull them out of the freezer the night before. Eg I have bags of chilli and chicken curry in freezer. And when I make a lasagne or shepherds pie I make 2, 1 to eat, 1 in freezer.

Appreciate it's summer holidays now, but In term time Dh can arrange a play date and have dc's friend back once a week. He's not incapable is he?

did you talk to the children before you took this job? Did you sit them down at the dining room table and say : It's going to be a change because Mum is gonna take a job and this may seem weird to start with but it's what I want and the benefits are going to be this and I expect your help and support ?

Don’t give up your job. Your dh is poisonous. Be very careful

in my experience as a mum of now adult children (and small ones) this is rubbish. They will literally not even remember it. At all. It’s utter emotional blackmail by society on mothers. This is obviously just my opinion, but it seems to me that some people use it as a stick to beat up women who make choices for themselves which make other women jealous. Honestly.
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR FINANCIAL FREEDOM! (Even if they don’t realise it or want to admit it). This is important. The kids will be much older very quickly. Your DH is being an arse saying the things he has said.

Don’t say you’re basically a single parent. You are not.

Yeh, no way.. and congratulations OP this will do the kids the world of good and bin off the husband, we marry partners to enhance our lives.. not drag us down.

Do not give up your job! They are only with a child minder 3 days a week.
Do not sacrifice your self worth because you are being belittled. Who gave your DH the right to decide that you should be the SAHM. Perhaps he should go part time and pick up the slack so that you can work more.
This is supposed to be a partnership!

This has made me so angry for you! There's a phrase for men like your hudband: selfish cunt. He's quite happy for you to trudge through life feeling unfulfilled and like everyone's personal slave because that's convenient for him! Now, more than ever, is the time for you to claw back some independence.

It has just occured to me, is dh dripping comments into the dc ears? His life would be easier if you went back to being the housekeeper cook and maid. For all his bravado at how great he is and how easy it is.
A few, mummy is not here to cook you a nice dinner or a, I don't know where your pe kit is, mummy is at work, or even a, mummy doesn't love you enough she would rather go and work with strangers.
He doesn't sound like a team player to me @SilverDoublet and I wonder if it is not just you he is getting sly digs in to.

You need to think what you want and stop listening to him. I would want to be financially independent. He has had a shock and now he wants to be acknowledged for how much he is doing. Why are the kids stressed being with him. Or is it the change. The way he speaks to you is not ok op. Maybe less hours for you would be a compromise or maybe dh needs to reduce his. But it’s early days.

I wish I could have been a stay at home mum to four with my husband earning well. I had to go back to work a month post partum to keep a roof over our heads and pay for food on the table. Consider yourself lucky. Can't you go part time?

OP, I think your DP’s attitude is appalling but is there something a bit deeper here? Reading between the lines you don’t seem to be having a great time at work as you mention issues with settling in and some insecurities about career progression. Which are all perfectly natural things to feel in any new role but will ease as your confidence builds. Give the role time but don’t look for ‘issues’ at home as a reason to bin it off. It will get better and always remember the reasons why you took the job in the first place.

Keep the job and leave him.

Please do not give up your job or minimise it. He has been used to being the big man. The kids are in an adjustment phase. Please 1) keep the job for you. 2) how much gratitude was there for youbstaying home? Zero that's how much zero and that's what you would be going back to. Zero. If he says something horrible like you are only trying to get away from the kids , call him out on it and say "What a nasty mean spirited thing to say" and remind him of what he used to say about "His money not family money his money" Bravo for getting your job. Stick with it and it will get easier.

Both me and my husband work FT, but I wouldn't describe either of us as absent parents 😂 That's madness.

Ah, the old happy mother, happy baby myth!
Well neither the op, her husband or the children sound very happy now.
In termtime the children walk home with the childminder and are there for 4 hours before being picked up which must be well after 7

In the school holidays it appears no one is looking after them if your dh is working full time. Where are the trips out? Where is the opportunity to okay with other kids? It sounds as though they are being left to entertain themselves with no proper supervision. How Safe is the 5 year old?This is an accident waiting to happen at worst, neglect at best.

I’d bet exactly this. He wasn’t nice to you when you were SAHP you’ve basically detailed financial abuse. Now you’re getting your own money he’s using different tactics to abuse you.

OP says she is part time, 4 days a week, so no need to attempt a guilt trip.

Your DH is the problem. If I started working we would divorce so I don't. The children are happy so I'm happy. My DH is not patient as I am.
Why did you have 4 children @SilverDoublet when you were already tired of it? I've got two so when they are independant and don't need me anymore I will start thinking about myself.

Many people can't afford childcare for multiple children so become a SAHP to keep a roof over their heads.

You’re entitled to a life outside of being a mum and wife. You aren’t here to simply serve the needs of your ungrateful husband and your children.
Keep the job and gain financial independence and then get shut of your vile husband.
He should be pleased for you, not berating you. It strikes me that he doesn’t like not having ‘control’ over you.

It sounds to me as if your marriage is rocky, totally aside from the work situation.

You need to protect yourself since it looks as if you won't be able to depend on the financial security of marriage. Because if he's mean now, he will be even meaner after you separate.

Well done on getting that job OP. Please don’t give it up. Your husband sounds horrible in what he’s saying to you.

You haven’t abandoned your kids, you are modelling what good looks like, your husband on the other hand…

It will take a period of re-adjusting for everyone as your family are so used to you doing everything for them. Things will settle down.

Have you spoken to him about his stinking attitude to you working? Partners are supposed to be support each other not belittle them or make them feel shit.