Recently got a job after SAHM - backlash from kids and husband

[SilverDoublet]

I've been a stay at home parent for the last 7 and half years, since my 3rd child was born. After having a 4th child, covid, and general crazy life with 4 kids I didn't get back to work as soon as I intended. I was getting more and more down about it as I just seemed to end up doing everything for everyone and spending all my time constantly cleaning and tidying the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, driving kids around everywhere for extra curricular activities while the kids refused to help me and husband would watch tv. I felt I couldn't ask for help as I was at home anyway. If I ever said anything about how I felt my husband would say, just get a job. He would make remarks about spending 'his' money. I'm actually extremely frugal. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy family holidays at all as it just seemed like more of the same and I never got a break from my kids.
So I applied for a job in my former field, and got it (don't know how).
Now I'm working 32 hours a week. I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer).
He recently said me getting the job was the worst thing I ever did. He hates me talking about any of it, or my issues settling in. My kids also hate me not being around, especially when the childminder picks them up from school.
Should I just give up the job? We don't particularly need the money, it's less than half what my husband makes. I feel very conflicted about it all. I also feel pretty slow and useless in the job as I was out for so long.

Don’t give up your hard earned job and don’t pander to either your husband or the kids….. they will all have to get used to the new set up…xx

I would say you do need the money if your husband was making comments about you spending 'his' money. He should be supporting of you working. A working life gives us more than money. If it's important to you, it should be important to him. Sometimes I feel we're living in the 1970s when I read MN relationship posts. Who are these awful men? Why are women having children them?!

Why did you have four?

Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Once you are a working mum on an 80% contract you have to be strict about containing your work. Work efficiently when there and leave on time and focus on the kids.

Congratulations on your job, it’s very hard going back to work after a long time away. Everyone is adjusting - especially you. Your husband sounds like an arse, and will manipulate things to sabotage your new found independence including riling up the kids. I’d think long and hard about whether this job might give you the headspace and finances to leave the marriage. He’s controlling and abusive,

It will get better once you all adjust to the new routine. You could make Friday after school and the weekends extra special for your DC.

Ignore your DH’s comments.

Your H and kids sound ungrateful. Especially your husband sounds super pathetic. You should stay in the job and give it some time to settle
It would be difficult to begin with but you will get in a routine soon. Good luck OP

Your husband is the problem, he sounds awful. Adjusting to changes is always hard on the children, but I believe he is making it worse. You are not a team, selflessly building eachother up. Your children must sense this, hence why the adaptation to you working outside of the home is even harder for them. I'm sorry for them, but it's your unhealthy marriage what let you to dread being with your children. Your husband is painting you as the bad guy: do not fall into this trap of believing it yourself. You focus on being there for your children while the adjustment period lasts. Keep being there for them, even when they seem to hate you (they most definitely don't) and don't let your husband come between you.
I wouldn't leave the job, as you may want to gain some financial independence in case you decide to leave the bas*d.

@simsbustinoutmimi

OP really wasn’t happy as a Stay at home parent though!

she needs to keep her job. Happy mum = happy kids!

@Spindrifts

she is part time. It’s three days a week! So they all need to just suck it up!

keep them entertained and get them out of the house every day while he went off to the office for 10 hours a day
It's your turn to put in 10 hour days. Just don't get back for the children. Let him crack on... Congratulations on getting the job! Whatever your do, please do not give up your job. You need it for your own sanity and time away from your home.

Any big change of routine is unsettling for everyone you all need time to find your new normal
Keep going

Don’t give up the job OP, you will regret plus your ‘DH’ will just bang on about how you couldn’t cope with working. He sounds right catch, NOT.

Anyway for me this thread shows how it is very difficult for many women. It still seems to be that it’s women who end up doing the family planning and ensuring their DCs go to clubs, have paydays. Too many dads doing the minimum and acting as if they are doing everyone a favour.

dont you dare give up that job!

you have your life and freedom back of course he’s moaning he can’t be billy big bollocks beating mean with his money and hasn’t got his skivvy.

keep working, your confidence will soon return and you’ll start demanding more respect from your family.

As a fellow sahm but one who never returned to work, this statement in particular stuck with me "I feel like my husband is out to prove I never did anything at home by trying to outdo me (he's 'working from home' while minding the kids over the summer)."

It is a novelty for him, let him crack on. He hasn't experienced the relentless grind that sahming is day in, day out. Summer has only just begun. You know the truth of what you did so stop letting that bother you.

Weirdly no one is questioning the Father working 5 days a week and how he must hate his children to be away from them.

Look, you can't win, don't work, unhappy, work full time, someone is unhappy, work part time I guarantee you someone will be unhappy. Do what works for you and your family. Everyone is adjusting right now, this is normal. Only myself and one other sahm are still not working, pretty much everyone who was a sahm went back to work when the children started primary so I have heard it so many times because it means the Dad now has to take on more housework and responsibility when they have usually delegated that to their wife/partner. That is why he is being pissy.

Keep the job, OP. It is time your husband and children appreciated you. You can understand children being selfish, but your prick of a husband belittling you whatever you do - well, your financial independence will give you choices in the future. (And I bet he realises that too, and doesn’t like it.)

OP your problem is that you married a shit bag. All your other problems stem from that. What did you say to him when he said that thing about you hating the kids? I would have read him the fucking riot act if he'd said that to me - I mean what does he call being out of the house 10 hours a day and using his A/L to not be with his family?? What does he use the A/L for anyway if not family holiday time?

Keep the job. Overtime culture is bullshit anyway, kids or no, so don't buy into that - be effective and efficient in the hours you are paid for and no more. Value your time. You did incredibly well to get back into employment after a 7 year gap, you are obviously an impressive person, so don't sell yourself short - it is more than likely imposter syndrome due to lack of self confidence (not surprising after years with said shitbag and being out of the workplace so long). Use annual reviews and 121s with your line mgr to your advantage - really pinpoint your specific objectives, ask for feedback on your performance - you will find you're doing much better than you think.

Do you have sons or daughters? Or a mix? It's worth having age appropriate discussions with them about the importance of financial independence, especially your daughters. And emphasise to them that despite what dickhead husband says, you love them very much and that the years you spent at home with them were enormously valuable to you and to them. It is absolutely ok to frame that as a sacrifice YOU made and that husband benefitted from - for the older ones, maybe do a rough calculation of how much money you saved the household in nursery fees and how much money you cost yourself personally by being out of paid employment for seven years. Emphasise that for you this was time well spent. But that you were a person before they existed, and you will be a person after they have all left home and started lives and families of their own, and that it is important you invest in that for your sake and for theirs - that it is important for you to have options, choice and independence, as you would hope for them to have one day as well. Tell them how proud you are of how capable they are and how ready for new independence. Praise where they have adapted well. Give them room to talk about their issues and worries and look for solutions together that do NOT include you leaving your job.

Whatever you do, don't let your dickhead husband drive a wedge between you and your children. Those relationships are where you have invested the last 7 years of your life - don't let him take that away from you because he is a petulant controlling spiteful dickhead.

Oh yes and speak to a lawyer just to find out how you would stand if you split. You don't have to do it now, but men like this don't change. He will be undermining you for the rest of your life. You may have your reasons for sticking with it for now, but build up your think skin and have an escape plan.

Your husband doesn't sound very nice. I'd keep plugging away at the job tbh. You're still a wonderful mum, by the way, even if the kids are giving you attitude right now.

Keep the job!
You’re doing 4 days a week which is great. You’ve got one day in the week to catch up with things and spend some time having a break by yourself. Make sure you do. Even if it’s watching Netflix with a nice lunch.
During the summer holidays, you’ll be able to treat your dc to some nice days out and spend time with just you and them on a Friday.
Explain to them that dad is a bit stressed because of the changes so he may say things in anger but he’s wrong.
Keep your physical and emotional connection with them strong and do some fun playful things with them.
They’ll be fine. They’ll actually benefit from it. They’ll learn to help out more at home as they grow older which is a good thing all around.

It’s really good for kids long term to see their mum - a female - as a person with a life apart from them, making a living and financially independent.

Best for them to understand that you have value other than just as pants washer, cook and general skivvy. Best if they’re taught that all members of the household must contribute to its running by doing some chores - even the five year old ( sort washing, tidy up etc).

I’m not decrying SAHMs - they can do this too by having outside interests - but that only works IMO where the working partner is openly and demonstrably respectful of the stay at home spouse’s contribution ie where it’s clear to the kids that it’s a real partnership- not where SAHM is treated like a household appliance with no agency or rights of their own

One day they’ll be grown up and away. You’ll have a job and then a pension, regardless of what happens with the husband.

Your DD is excellent

Try after school club they might enjoy if it’s an option and it might be worth putting them in some summer camps if affordable.

kids don’t like any change they will
adapt

It’s mind boggling that you kept on having more and more children. Surely you knew how useless/selfish he was after number 2, 3 and yet you went on to have number 4!

How long have you been in the job? It's pretty normal for kids to get a bit upset with a big change. This doesn't mean that it's bad for them.