Lie-ins for SAHMs?

[LouisaJF]

I was curious of your opinions on this.

I am a SAHM to two boys aged 1 and 3 and DH runs his own business. Seven days a week I get up with DS2 at 6-6.30 and DH gets up at 8-8.30, has a hath, gets ready for work and spends 5-10 minutes with us before heading out. In the evening he is usually home with less than an hour before bedtime.

Obviously I do all the housework and all meals for all 4 of us, including DH'a packed lunch. I'm also the one who gets up to the kids in the night.

At the weekend I still get up with the boys and he has a lie-in till 10ish and a bath. I get a lie-in once a month but have to wake DH as he never hears the children, which means I'm awake and can't always get back to sleep. I can't remember the last time I had a bath.

I know DH has a lot of stress on his shoulders with the business, but am I unreasonable in thinking I could have a lie-in a bit more frequently than this as my job isn't easy either. I think it stems from the fact that I rarely have any time to myself as I don't get to see friends much or have any time out from being mum eg a soak in the bath.

Do I just need to get a grip?

Not equality as in equal division of every task. Equality as in mutual respect and balance coffee

The unspoken caveat when people say ' My husband does X because he is not a twat' is 'this is a response to the scenario you have outlined and assuming no extenuating circumstances '. No one would say a DH was being a twat if he slept until 8.30 after working a shift until 2am or if he had a crippling health condition necessitating 15 hours of sleep. They are not saying all men who get up later are twats.

Exactly Penguins.

I'm a sahm and I get a lie in most weekends at least once sometimes both days if dh is feeling generous! He deals better with early starts!

coffee I'm saddened that you don't see your role as a sahm as challenging and exhausting too.

I have five children and they can be really hard work particularly as they get older.
I only work 3 days a week compared to Dh 6 on four off but my "days off" are often running them around, keeping a big house, cooking and washing for the five thousand, providing help with homework and emotional support.
I am as exhausted if not more than on my 10 hr days with an hour commute and huge stressful deadlines.

I believe that therefore, I am as entitled to some down time as is he.

Yours are still fairly little, I wonder if you will feel the same when they are bigger and more demanding.

The other thing that nobody has mentioned is that the relationship between parent and child.
My dh said himself today that although it's tough, he wouldn't have missed some of the early mornings with the kids.

This morning I got up at 8 and he had been down with dd since 6.
They were sat under a throw watching a movie with toast and warm drinks in their dressing gowns. He was telling me how funny her description of why she woke early was.

He also does the majority of bedtimes.

I have a genetic defect and I know that if anything happened to me or I became too ill, dh could care for them totally and without having to learn new skills or coping strategies.

The ops husband was not working long hours as illustrated by the op herself.

He appeared to have afforded himself a disproportionate amount of sleep and relaxation/ self care time.

I felt that he was not giving any consideration to his wife's needs well being.

Don't be sad for me ledkr.

Two young children. One in school. The other in nursery 2x a week. Both sleep very well and very chilled. I have a cleaner. I gym, see friends, catch up on TV during lunch time nap. I left a good professional job to become a SAHM. My current life is not nearly as stressful as it was. No commute. No deadlines. No nervousness before presentation. No anxiety. I'm happiest I have ever been. To be honest I feel a bit guilty my dh has such a stressful full time role. My life is not perfect but it feels like it's close. So I guess I try to make up for it by doing little things like letting dh sleep in (I'm talking to 8ish though as he wants to spend a time with us at the weekend and much later starts to eat in to the day). In terms of housework and childcare, it is not equal in this house. But seriously, I would be on weak ground if that was what I was expecting. Given my dh doesn't have time to go the gym or meet friends for lunch etc during the week, and yet I do it every week, often a few times.

Ledkr. You have five children. More than twice what I have.

You work.

You commute.

You lead a very stressful life it seems. In your scenario I would absolutely be expecting equality. Can you see that in my scenario, equality in terms of childcare and housework would be bloody unfair!

Does he get opportunities to do routine care of the kids to build their relationship? It's not all about who has the nicest adult me time, imo. We have three and dh does bedtimes and weekend stuff and night waking with the toddler because he wants to be actively involved in caring for them for the sake of their relationship.. he wants them to feel that attachment to him and not for me to be the default parent, just because he values that. I don't really see until 8 as a lie in though.

He does. Not Monday to Thursday, he doesn't see them. But Friday bathtime to Sunday bath time, he is very hands on

Yes I can coffee can you se the difference between yours and the ops scenario because her life sounds nothing like yours and she asked for opinions which I guess to be fair you haven't.

Dh works away 2/3 months at a time I am a full time sahm. As I'm a full time parent non stop for sometimes almost 3-4 months when Dh comes home I get lie ins and he does laundry, housework, outdoor work and cooking.

Dh thinks this is fair as I'm on my own with 4 dc, 2 with asd and I'm pretty much worn down when he gets home. I really love Dh for this it's amazing that I can get this rest. When he's away working he may do some 16+hr days but some days are work free and he can get down time. He knows I get little to no down time when he's away.

I think I'm very lucky to have Dh as he works hard but cares greatly for me and knows I need rest too. It's good for the dc too as they get good quality time with Dh and when Dh leaves they get a rested more capable dm, this works well for our family.

My point though about my working day, is that I do not find it any harder than a day with the children, particularly if I'm up,early and have been up in the night too.

You seem to have lots of help but for most parents the day is as long and taxing as the partner who works.

Ledkr your last post I find unclear. I have given my opinion, very clearly on the op's situation. Up thread. Your last post gave us a very detailed insight into your life, which has bugger all to do with the OP. But gives an interesting insight into your view on the issue. Similar I included information on my life as it drives my view on the issue.

Sorry.
Just to be clear. My point is that the majority of sahp do not have the easy enjoyable day which you describe.

I feel that my non work days are more typical as in hard work and exhausting.

I felt that as a part time worker I may have insight into both the ops day and that of her husband and neither trumps the other in the need for some rest and a catch up on sleep.
I guess my observation is that going out to work is necessarily the harder option therefore earning extra entitlement to lie ins and no household.

I make no apology for expecting equality when it comes to caring for the children what ever that equality means to different people.

The op appears to not be experiencing a balanced amount of child free hours or in fact sleep, which unless I'm wrong you have already agreed with.

I'm off to sleep now because dh has an early shift so I will be up with the larks (or the toddler)

Goodnight

Ledkr, I completely agree that I have a fairly easy time compared with most others. That Is why I take on more at home. At times when my life becomes less "easy" i.e. i am ill, smone of the children ill, we aree moving house etc, then the situation would change. It would be me sleeping in and my dh up.

My point is simply that the division of labour at home should be fair rather than absolutely equal. That could mean a working parent with a light workload during the week takes on more to allow the sahp to get some rest at the weekend. Or could mean an equal workload if both feels that is fair. Or could mean the sahp takes on more because the working parent is having a very rough time at work.

I don't see absolute equality being the right thing in every scenario.

The Op is not happy. Something needs to change. Her dh's behaviour! She .makes it very clear in her second post that she loves this man and he is a good man. So my advise is to talk to him. Very Little Else Can Be Advised.

My DH works in what would typically be described as a high pressure environment. I've done his job (we met at work!) and I know it's still easier than being 34 weeks pregnant and running around after an 18 month old! Due to this, he got up in the night with DD last night despite having to be up at 5.30am for a train to London. He won't be back until 8pm tomorrow night and know that in that time he'll get a lunch break, dinner out tonight (albeit with business associates) and an uninterrupted night in a hotel, whereas I will be 'on duty' the entire time.

In order to have a meaningful discussion with a man who has shown zero inclination to try to assist his wife in the mornings, who seems oblivious to the idea that lounging en bed every weekend is unkind and selfish, she needs to see that the situation is unequal and unfair.

Wrapping his being idle every single morning as some kind of totem for a happy marriage doesn't really help her hand in the discussion.

He could be an absolute joy in every single way except this. That doesn't make it ok.
(Although honestly, the fact that he can lie there with a happy sigh while his wife drags herself up to sort the children out makes me a bit suspicious of his apparent 'dad of the year' credentials)

I think most parents are barely in an hour before bedtime, if they work? Normal to get home between 5.30-6 ish, and bedtime is between 6.30 and 7 ish?

Pagwatch... you speak with such authority about the OP's personal situation I'll leave you to it. On the basis of the OP's last post, I think she has too.

Regardless of the division of labour/work time/childcare etc. Id like to think a decent partner would want their partner to enjoy a lie in.
It's not always about sleep, often it's about a cup of tea in bed and a break from the daily morning grind.
When the working partner is working the sahp is caring for the kids in order for the partner to work, therefore when both parents are at home the load should be shared!

at 'speaking with such authority about the op life's'

Well at least I focussed on the op rather than your sweeping critique of the thread, MN, what constitutes a happy marriage and how DHs just have such a hard time.

Perhaps the bag of axes you have to grind is getting heavy. Maybe put it down a while.

Sure thing pagwatch

I was a SAHM until about 8 months ago, DP has worked long hours in a senior role until 8 months ago when he went part time and I went back to work. In every configuration we have alternate every morning so we both get some sleep. When I was up all night breastfeeding newborn DP got up with toddler every morning.

I thought you were leaving me to it?